H. Seitz
September 18, 2019
Fiction
I was coming out of the movies at Union Square and saw a mother dropping off her twin daughters, presumably to see a movie. The mom was youngish, or at least youngish looking, and her twin daughters were 14 or 15 and both undeniably sexy. The mom noticed me watching and was giving me the stink eye, but I hung around at the periphery anyway. There are a lot of people around Union Square but not as many creepy ones as there used to be, but I still didn’t really stand out. Once the twins were safely deposited in the theater I approached the mom. “Excuse me. MIss?” She was ignoring me, which is to be expected. All strangers do is ask, for change or cigarettes or time, and who really wants to talk with anyone after a certain point? Especially some strange middle-aged guy who was just checking out…
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H. Seitz
September 16, 2019
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Judas, Kevin Spacey, Kraken, Matt Damon, Poseidon, Satan, Wayne's World
Dear DA, I notice you chastising people for not asking questions, while at the same time you never bother to answer any of the questions anymore anyway. As a Catholic, I completely understand religion being full of hypocrisy and insane contradictions, but as me, Matt Damon, who isn’t really religious at all, I think it’s a crock, and that you guys are big jerks. You heard me—jerks. It took guts for me to open up and share all of my problems, and you never helped me at all. I still randomly scream “Monkeys!” by the way, thanks a lot for helping me out with that one, it’s only been two and a half years. My wife left me because of it, or at least that’s what she claims. It’s a pretty sweet deal for her. $100 million for writing and starring in that movie about janitors, the other one where…
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H. Seitz
September 9, 2019
Divine Advice
Chef Boyardee, Chris Farley, Emma Watson, Gary Oldman, Harry Potter, Jesus Christ, Satan, Ted Nugent
Dear DA, I’ve fallen in love with Ted Nugent. Aside from all of his core beliefs being absolutely despicable, he’s actually a really sweet guy. I feel torn about this because I’ve kind of been an SJW type, and I know that all of the little girls who look up to me are going to be disappointed. Judging by their past reactions, they’ll probably crucify me, but isn’t this what tolerance is all about? I really like being boned by Ted Nugent, so I tolerate the rest. As long as we don’t talk about women’s rights, the civil rights movement, racism, pay inequality, gun control, immigration, veganism, or anything else that’s important to me, we get along great. He really is totally fine as long as you don’t talk about politics or guns. If you do, he’s almost unbelievably awful, but aside from that, really, he’s great. It’s weird to…
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H. Seitz
September 2, 2019
Divine Advice
abortion, Anakin Skywalker, Ben Kenobi, Boba Fett, Darth Vader, Disney, Ewan McGregor, Ewoks, Force Ghost, Hayden Christensen, Jar Jar Binks, Jedi, Jesus, Kevin James, King of Queens, Leah Remini, Luke, Mickey Mouse, Natalie Portman, Obi Wan Kenobi, Padme, Satan, Sir Alec Guinness, Slave Leia, Star Wars, Tatooine
Dear DA, I’m writing in as Ben Kenobi because this question pertains to the time I spent as Ben Kenobi. You might have noticed that Tatooine doesn’t have much of a need for skilled laborers aside from mechanics or computer techs (damn droids/immigrants), and aside from sword fighting, which would be too suspicious, and being really bad at diplomacy, which actually helps you to be a successful diplomat (if you can never solve any problems, there’s your job security right there—unless of course, a war breaks out, which they inevitably do), I have no marketable skills. Or at least that’s what I thought. There are slaves on Tatooine and other problems, and like most places, you need someone to solve those problems, illegally or not. As I can feel the Force flowing through all living things, I made an incredibly good exterminator. There wasn’t much prestige in that, but I…
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H. Seitz
August 26, 2019
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Andrew Yang, Angelina Jolie, Face/Off, Ghost Rider, Gone in 60 Seconds, Hyundai Elantra, Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, Speed
Dear DA, I know I seem like a buffoon for spending all of my money on alpacas and Hyundai Elantras so the alpacas can have demolition derbys in the Elantras to entertain the many fine and strange prostitutes that inhabit each of my many mansions, but it’s like you said, it’s harder for a rich man to get into heaven than to dry hump a camel through the eye of the needle, dude. So I blow all my money and think of it as an investment in my angel’s wings. After all, you can’t take it with you (can you?) and I have my earthly needs. Ghost Rider should have been in that movie with Thanos. I was actually banking on it, as that would have been truer to the comics, but those Disney people screwed me. That mouse has got teeth. Everyone warned me, but I didn’t listen. So…
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H. Seitz
August 19, 2019
Divine Advice
Amanda Seyfried, Bones, Borg, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Chekov, Christoph Waltz, Death of a Salesman, Destiny Turns on the Radio, Ferengi, George Takei, Jackie Brown, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Jason, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Klingon, Leo, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mr. Sulu, Ohura, Pam Grier, Quentin Tarantino, Samuel L. Jackson, Simon Pegg, Spock, Star Trek, Untitled Star Trek Project, William Shatner
Dear DA, You’re probably aware of the controversy surrounding my latest movie, you being the all-seeing, all-knowing bane of humanity (no offense). Basically, a short scene depicts Bruce Lee acting like an asshole and getting his ass kicked by a lowly stuntman. They’re just aching to call me a racist for it, but they can’t because of Jackie Brown. Some other people, or probably the same people, are complaining that the women don’t get enough lines. They want to call me a male chauvinist pig, but Jackie Brown comes through again. First of all, this is a fictional movie. Fiction. And it isn’t like I didn’t do my research. Bruce Lee said a lot of arrogant crap about beating up Cassius Clay, and he really did get an attitude adjustment from a stuntman skilled in the martial arts. It isn’t like I portrayed Bruce Lee getting his ass kicked by…
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H. Seitz
August 12, 2019
Divine Advice
Bill Clinton, Bones, Charmed, Harvey Weinstein, House of Cards, Jeffrey Epstein, Jesus Christ, Karl Marx, Kevin Spacey, Lenin, Nine Lives, Satan, Supernatural, The Devil
Dear DA, You’d think that being universally reviled would be liberating—once everybody hates you anyway, why not say and do whatever you want? But it’s actually the opposite. I’ll probably be on eggshells for the rest of my life. I wanted to wait until a better time to write in, as I don’t want to seem any more self-centered than I already do, but there will never be a better time, just like it’ll always be too early to politicize mass shootings because by the time it isn’t, there’s been another one. Or two. We all know how it goes at this point. Mass shooting, thoughts and prayers, gun sale the next business day, and we all shrug our shoulders and forget about it until the next one. Correct me if I’m wrong, but none of these guys has any girlfriends or wives. They’re like sexually frustrated junior high kids…
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H. Seitz
August 5, 2019
Divine Advice
Ally Sheedy, Anthony Michael Hall, Bill Murray, Breakfast Club, Carrot Top, Emilio Estevez, Fran Gargano, It Chapter Two, Jackie Burch, Jesus Christ, John Hughes, John Kapelos, Judd Nelson, Louie C. K., Louis C. K., Molly Ringwald, Paul Gleason, Quick Change, Ronald McDonald, Satan
Dear DA, Can you believe I’m 51? Doesn’t it just make you want to kill yourself? A lot of you remember jerking off to me as young children, or at least trying to, and since I haven’t been famous for a while, you probably still remember me as being in my early 20s. When you don’t see someone for 10 or 20 years, they don’t age in your mind. Then, when you suddenly see them again after all those years, it’s like yikes! Why do people’s heads keep on growing? It’s freaky. The rest of your body shrinks, but your head becomes enormous. Still, I can’t complain. There were a few years in my late 30s/early 40s when I was hotter than I’d ever been before. I actually had boobs and everything else was still high and tight. It was like my body’s last stand, a final oasis before the…
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H. Seitz
July 29, 2019
Divine Advice
Chris Hardwick, George H. W. Bush, Harvey Weinstein, Ian McKellen, Jean-Luc Picard, Jesus Christ, Kevin Spacey, Magneto, Patrick Stewart, Professor X, Satan, Star Trek the Next Generation, Superman, The Devil, Wil Wheaton
Dear DA, A lot of people might be wondering why I came back, aside from the money and the fame and the mild dementia. The truth is, I’m not quite sure myself. But what I missed most of all, aside from my many space adventures, was fucking with the crew. I loved calling them in, especially Worf, and letting him have it. I’d scream at him “That is the most reprehensible behavior I have ever seen, and it will not be tolerated onboard the Enterprise! Dismissed!” Then when he was halfway out the door, I’d say “Worf, you are without a doubt one of the finest officers I have ever served with. In your place, I would have done the same.” He would pause, confused, then leave. The crew was on eggshells during my entire command. They had no idea whether they were coming or going, or what I approved…
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H. Seitz
July 23, 2019
Movies and Television, Reviews
Captain Marvel, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Gang Bang, Hobbs and Shaw, Jason Statham, The Fast and the Furious, The Rodeo Clown, Titty
Hobbs and Shaw is the gay action-adventure rom-com the entire world has been waiting for, and it comes up big time (pun intended). For everyone wondering what went wrong with Captain Marvel and Titty Titty Gang Bang, pay attention. We’ve all been “woke” for at least five or six years now, and even most of the non-woke community (a minority we should be allies to, btw) couldn’t care less about who’s sleeping with who as long as all of the participants are consenting adults. We no longer need the communist ethnostate ideology rammed down our throats. What we do need rammed down our throats is a little physics-defying stunt the fringe gay community refers to as The Rodeo Clown, and not only do the leads pull it off like seasoned pornographers, it happens organically. It isn’t in your face until it is, and by then, you want it to be. …
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