Tag Archive: Satan

Divine Advice For Lindsay Lohan Re: Harvey Weinstein

Dear Jesus and Satan, Something bad happened to my friend Harvey Weinstein and I’m looking for advice on how I can help him. Maybe you saw in the news, but some mean girls have been saying he sexually harassed them and that he groped them and raped them and whatnot. The thing is, he’s really a good guy once you get to know him. Sure sometimes he likes rubbing up against hot girls and maybe touching their boobs and stuff, and yeah, also he takes his dick out a lot, but that’s just Harvey being Harvey. If these ladies didn’t want a bloated Hollywood exec forcing himself on them, they shouldn’t have tried to be movie stars. Maybe they should be secretaries or seamstresses instead. Anyway, so now the media is being really mean to Harvey and he got fired from his company and he’s in all sorts of trouble.…
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Divine Advice For Gwyneth Paltrow

Dear Jesus Christ and Lucifer Satan, I fear that I’m losing touch with reality lately, both my reality and the everyone else reality of not being me and mostly not being in my reality at all. I have a lot of money. I always have, and I’m very beautiful. But lately, I feel compelled to produce and market these really shoddy self help products and give dangerous health advice to women. For example, I was selling these jade eggs for $66 each and telling women to put them in their vaginas. I told women that this was good for them. I sold a lot of these eggs. My new product is something I call Miracle Dust. I tell women that if they put it in their tea, it’ll help to balance their chakras. The jade eggs were actual jade eggs, but Miracle Dust is just cyanide. It says cyanide on…
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Divine Advice For Annoyed And Worried Witch

Today’s Divine Advice question was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine advice, I know we aren’t on good terms, I am a witch, and I learned that back when I uh developed a little more into womanhood so to speak. I am a water and earth witch, meaning I have a strong connection and bond to the Earth and Sea. I realize how awkward this must be, seeing as I acknowledge you, Jesus, as a human, and Satan as a fallen angel. I don’t really worship you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil and help one another. I digress, Today I had an encounter where some lady tried to tell me that me taking care of the earth and being a friend to the earth is a sin, and that I will burn in hell. I am a witch, so burning is a fate we must…
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Divine Advice For Jennifer Lawrence

Dear DA, My cat is slut-shaming me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m at my wit’s end. My cat’s name is Fluffy, she’s a good cat, she got pregnant once before I got her fixed so she should understand that these things happen, but she’s been such a bitch lately. I went out with Ron, who’s a pretty nice guy, it was our first date. Yes, I had sex with him, no big deal, it’s 2017, right? But when I got home, Fluffy kept judging me, she stared at me, like I was a whore. I told her it wasn’t polite to slut shame me like that and she just kept staring at me. I woke up the next morning and Fluffy was sitting my chest, staring at me. She opened her mouth and meowed at me, and I swear to God, the meow sounded like…
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Divine Advice For Oprah Winfrey

Dear DA, I’ve been struggling with my weight all my life. The best advice I ever got was to just do more of the things I already love doing. For example, if I love walking, I should walk more. So what I want to know is, how many calories do I burn masturbating? Smoking a cigarette? Drinking beer? Watching an hour of TV? Eating a donut? I know beer has a lot of calories, but doesn’t it take calories for your liver to burn away the alcohol? Also, how many carbs are in whiskey? Also, why don’t most sweatpants have pockets anymore, and why are the pockets so small? Where am I supposed to keep my keys and my donuts when I go out jogging? Thank you in advance for the calorie information, and let me know where I can buy a decent pair of sweats. Sincerely, Oprah Winfrey If you…
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Competitive (Ch)eating

Growing up, my father always wanted me to be an athlete. “Quit being a pussy musician and learn combat skills,” he used to say. The recorder was my instrument of choice, and if he caught me playing it, I got “the belt”. It’s not like I didn’t try to be good at sports. I was just a doughy kid who didn’t have the heart of a champion. That is, until the day I discovered the glorious, gluttonous spectacle they call competitive eating. Finally, a sport where fatties finish first! Well, that is what I assumed anyway. In small, local tournaments, I held my own. The sheer size of my stomach was enough to beat the lightweights in Latham, NY.   However, once I made it to the national level, I discovered that genetics of a different sort gave skinny kids the edge. The day I met Takeru Kobayashi was a humbling,…
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Divine Advice For Tom Cruise

Dear Divine Advice, Ever since I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, the world thinks I’m crazy. Outwardly, I’ve been able to project an image of myself as ultra confident, but the fact is, the things people are saying are really starting to hurt my feelings. I’ve prayed to Xenu many times, and, to be honest, he doesn’t really have anything helpful to say. He keeps telling me to be patient, and everyone will love me again once Top Gun II comes out. But I can’t wait that long. So guys, what can I do? How can I win back the love of the nation? Sincerely, Tom Cruise Really? We’re doing another one about Scientology? Shit. Well, I guess when Tom Cruise writes in, we can’t exactly ignore him. Ok, here goes… Dear Tom Cruise, You’ve come to the right place. Xenu’s not a bad guy, but let’s be…
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Divine Advice For Julia Roberts

Dear Divine Advice, Global Warming or Climate Change or whatever you want to call it (a turd by any other name is still a turd) is obviously a hoax perpetuated by greedy scientists and China to emasculate coal workers and slander oil companies, companies run and staffed by The Great Americans who make modern life possible. You can’t fertilize oats and barley without gasoline, and no oats and barley would mean no beer and no steak. What are you going to feed a cow, solar panels? And what am I supposed to drink, fucking soy milk? This is ridiculous, I shouldn’t even have to ask, but I need you guys to set the record straight for all those anti-American, anti-cow peaceniks out there. Sincerely, Julia Roberts PS: I also hate Mexicans. Dear Julia Roberts, It sounds to me like you’re still bitter about Kiefer Sutherland cheating on you with that…
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Divine Advice For Brad Pitt

Dear Jesus and Satan, A few years ago I made a deal with Satan. In exchange for my soul, he agreed to make a double of myself. The idea was that my double would go to work for me, clean my toilet, do my laundry, etc. But my double is maybe even worse than I am, he got fired from my job, he got us dumped by my girlfriend, all he does is drink and smoke, he’s sitting on my couch right now drinking beer, it’s 9 AM. I try to reason with him, but he knows exactly what I’m going to say, he knows all my darkest secrets, he’s basically me. It is unbearable, I already hated myself and now, constantly having to deal with myself, I completely get it, why everyone is so fed up with me, or us. We drink and smoke together, and fight constantly. He doesn’t…
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More Divine Advice For Matt Damon

Dear Divine Advice, I would like to end my life, but I still want to be allowed into heaven. What exactly constitutes suicide? Blowing my brains out would obviously be suicide, but what about jaywalking or buying a motorcycle and just waiting for the inevitable? If I got so used to jaywalking that I wasn’t even thinking about suicide when I finally got creamed, would that still be suicide? And if it’s all about intent, what about people who attempt suicide and fail? Do they go to hell if they forget to ask for forgiveness before they die naturally, assuming they’ve lived an otherwise decent life? Or what about a fat guy who’s doctor tells him he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop eating pork rinds, but he keeps eating them anyway even though he knows his doctor is probably right? What happens to him when he dies? Last…
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