Tag Archive: Kevin Spacey

Divine Advice For Rob Lowe

Dear DA, As a highly woke individual who looks like he’s carved out of soap AND rich AND famous, I’m writing in to apologize on behalf of the Weinsteins, Spaceys, and Louis C.K.s of the world. I had a bit of a scandal in the 80s when I had sex with two underaged girls and videotaped it, but there’s a big difference between what I did and what the Weinstein types did. In my case, I’m handsome, so people have sex with me because they want to have sex with me, whereas with Harvey and the others, people have sex with them because they want to be in a movie or are accosted by a drunk or have a comedy dream or whatever. Obviously, I’m better than them, but I don’t think you should be too hard on them. When you’re fat, old, drunk, and ugly, it’s almost impossible to…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Louis C. K.

Dear Jesus and Satan, What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? Let me try to wrap my head around this. I asked women if I could jerk off in front of them. If they said no, I didn’t. If they said yes, I did. So what the fuck did I do wrong? Sure, it’s a creepy question. I’m a creepy guy and I’m into creepy shit. So I ask people if they’re up to it. Does a woman’s word mean nothing? Seriously, do women have no agency or accountability? The argument is that I’m rich and privileged, so they felt forced. Would they have felt any better if I was a homeless guy? Seriously, what the fuck? I am not responsible for what other people feel. I don’t have a lot of control over that. What if I had asked her to watch my dog? That one woman says I…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Matt Damon Part III

Dear DA, I read the letter from Tom Hanks last week and now I’m worried. If I had known then what I know now, I never would’ve played an Asian man. I would have insisted that a differently abled person got the role. The same with Good Will Hunting. Those guys are hard to find, especially one who’s an actor, but I would have insisted that Ben and I be replaced by real homosexuals. It was wrong for Ben Affleck and me, Matt Damon, who are both 100% heterosexual, to play gay people. And my lord and satan, what was I thinking doing Stuck on You? I should have insisted that real conjoined twins be attached to Greg Kinnear for six months. I might still insist on that now. Greg Kinnear is one of the most specially abled people I know. So of course I want you to help me…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Kevin Spacey

Dear DA, Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware of the dark and hypocritical forces against me. I find it extremely unfair that a guy (me) who plays the President on TV is held accountable for alleged sexual assault, while the actual President of the United States has basically been given a free pass just because he continues to do awful things now, while I only maybe did this one awful but understandable thing a long time ago. I was drunk, and I’ve been drunk a lot of days in between then and now. I’m drunk right now. And I’m gay. Some people would say that being drunk and gay isn’t an excuse, but I say that they are. When people are drunk, they do stupid things, like hit on 14 year old boys who look older than 14. Remember those girls in junior high school who looked like…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Gwyneth Paltrow

Dear Jesus Christ and Lucifer Satan, I fear that I’m losing touch with reality lately, both my reality and the everyone else reality of not being me and mostly not being in my reality at all. I have a lot of money. I always have, and I’m very beautiful. But lately, I feel compelled to produce and market these really shoddy self help products and give dangerous health advice to women. For example, I was selling these jade eggs for $66 each and telling women to put them in their vaginas. I told women that this was good for them. I sold a lot of these eggs. My new product is something I call Miracle Dust. I tell women that if they put it in their tea, it’ll help to balance their chakras. The jade eggs were actual jade eggs, but Miracle Dust is just cyanide. It says cyanide on…
Read more

Share this post: