Tag Archive: Barack Obama

Divine Advice For Joe Biden 2

Original photo by David Lienemann

Dear DA, When I was 14, I lost a game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a chicken, and as humiliating as it was, it was the reality check I needed. If only Trump had had a pet chicken during his formative years, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess, but I hear he’s terrified of birds. Hates them with a passion unless they’re in McNugget form. As dumb as I am, I just can’t deny reality. Reality, in my opinion, is more than hard enough, even if you’re trying to pay attention to it. But there are smart people out there. Did you know that if you concentrate hard enough, you can always force a tie at Tic-Tac-Toe? I can’t do it myself, but one of the generals told me, and then he showed me how! I forgot immediately, but I remember him doing it, and just because I can’t do it…
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Divine Advice For Mitch McConnell

Dear DA, Does eating Turkey Buzzards make me a cannibal? Hehehe. I’m just kidding to show y’all that I can be human and lifelike, too, just like a regular earth fellow. Anyway–my job used to be a lot more complicated until I discovered a little secret that more than quadrupled my efficiency, and I discovered it by accident! It all started when that Obama fella got elected and I announced that whatever he tried to do, we’d block it on principle. Basically, my entire philosophy, and that of the Republican party, boiled down to “Obama bad.” Or now that he’s no longer president, “Obama bad” or “Democrats bad” or “Hillary bad.” It’s amazing how well it works. But with this government shutdown and wall debacle, it’s time to put the old thinking cap back on, and I have to admit that I’ve gotten a little bit rusty. How do I…
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Horoscopes for 12.7.18

Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project.   Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic   Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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