Author Archive: H. Seitz

H. Seitz is the author of the Sci-fi novella "Iron Manimal" and a contributing writer at The Skull Island Times.

Divine Advice For Porn Double

Dear DA, You live in a big city like NY, you eventually see dopplegangers of everyone. A guy who looks exactly like that idiot from high school, except hairier balls, or a woman who looks just like Scarlett Johansson, except 300 pounds. I watch a lot of porn. I’m the kind of guy, I watch porn while I’m eating breakfast. So I’m watching this video yesterday and I see a guy who looks just like me. He made noises like me, screamed like me, made the same little stupid grunts and whimpers. It’s like when you hear a recording of your voice for the first time. It doesn’t sound like you to you, but you get the creepy feeling in your brain that it is you. I got the same feeling watching this guy. I knew it was me, but how could it be? Making a porn video seems like…
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Divine Advice For Dustin Hoffman

Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
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Divine Advice For Kevin Spacey 2

Dear DA, My new movie Billionaire Boys Club came out a few days ago and made $126.00. You read that correctly. $126.00. My share comes to 1.26 cents. What the hell can I do with 1.26 cents? I couldn’t even pay a dog to urinate on me for 1.26 cents. These people persecuting me, they are so full of shit. If American Beauty came out tomorrow, they’d criticize it for being homophobic. Why is Kevin Spacey going for the underaged girl when he has so much more in common with the underaged boy? And where are all the black people and lesbians? You know who else was a monster? Hitler. This stupid idea, that if you mention Hitler you’ve lost the argument, that’s more bullshit. It’s the same with “not all white people” or “not all men.” If I were to say that not all men love their wives enough,…
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Divine Advice For Tom Cruise 2

Dear DA, I am the biggest moviestar on earth. Not literally. That honor would have to go to whatever lesbian plays Chewbacca. I’m not a large man, but I am a large star. The biggest and brightest. Some people pick on me for being short or a Scientologist or having funny looking uncentered horse teeth. Do you know what I say to those people? I have hundreds of millions of dollars. I have my own airplanes and petting zoos. So do you know how much I value your opinion? I value your opinion exactly as much as you’d expect Tom fucking Cruise to value your opinion. That’s how much. As far as the Scientology, is it really that much weirder than Christianity or any other religion? If anything, it’s more plausible. And for the regular guy, I get it. Scientology wouldn’t work for you. But if you’re Tom Cruise, you…
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The Paedophile

I was walking little Timmy out to the main entrance of Pine View Elementary. He was one of my second grade students and he was a bit weird and demented, or as they like to call it nowadays, “specially-abled.” He was missing teeth, his ears were too big, and he smelled like he lived in an old building where the people ate pop tarts for breakfast and you weren’t allowed to have a dog or a cat, but you were allowed to have hamsters. He was also kind of a sissy. Or defied gender stereotypes. Whatever he was, he was a mess, and the other kids weren’t having any of it. People forget this about young children, but they’re mean little pricks. They have no conscience and no filter. There are reasons they aren’t allowed to vote or drive or do anything of consequence. Timmy had to have his hand…
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Movie Review- Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Rated PG Return of the Jedi is a symbolic exploration of the difficulties involved in expediting the elusive female orgasm. This theme has been taken up by more recent films such as Man of Steel and Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and was touched upon by the original Star Wars film released in 1977, but nowhere is it as explicit as in Return of The Jedi. The Death Star, like the Empire, is barren and sterile. All is male, grey, and English. Cloaked within this cynicism is the somehow subtle manifestation of death as a feminine sphere, hinting that within death lays the potential for new life. This is most obviously, and prudishly, illustrated by The Force Awakens, in which the destruction of Starkiller Base (aka The Death Star 2.0) culminates with its rebirth as a star. Likewise in Man of Steel, when the…
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Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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Movie Review- Police Academy

Police Academy Rated R Police Academy is “problematic” because in the 80s, people weren’t as culturally woke as we are today. One almost gets the feeling that it was meant to be crude and offensive. We start with the destruction of a photomat. For you millennials who don’t know what a photomat is, it’s a place we used to have to go to pick up our selfies. In the 80s, cameras weren’t just an app, they were an actual device, and they used “film.” After exposing the “film” to light, it would capture images. We would take this “film” to the photomat, and they would turn it into selfies. In a way, this scene foreshadows the destruction of old institutions as society progresses. Like most of our detritus, the remains of the photomat are dumped into the ocean, signaling our continuing scorn for the environment. The archetypes are simplistic and…
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Divine Advice For Robert Mueller

Dear DA, I’m a private man, so it troubles me to ask this, but I really need some advice. As you’re probably aware, I’ve been investigating Donald Trump for a little over a year. I’ve already gotten plenty of dirt on him, and I keep finding more. So I can’t blame the guy for getting a little twitchy. Long story short: last night, the doorbell rings and Ivanka is standing there in nothing but a bathrobe and a red MAGA hat. The hat has one of those little cameras built into it, and she’s wearing an earpiece. I invite her in and I hear Trump’s voice coming from the earpiece, telling her to take it off, so she takes off the bathrobe. I tell her she might as well get dressed and take off the hat, as I know what she’s up to and my wife is in the next…
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Divine Advice For Vladimir Putin

Dear DA, In Soviet Union, official policy is we do not believe in the God and the Satan. And yes, is still Soviet Union. But I ask because I believe advice is good. Maybe I consider invading Ukraine and dog’s bark sounds like “Ukraine!”, so I attack. If advice good, is good, whether come from mouth of dog or chicken. My great joy in Soviet Union is breaking horse. The moment when horse finally breaks, it gives me, how you say? Multiple orgasm. Is like woman, yes? No means yes. I look forward to breaking Trump, I savor the anticipation of his limp body when he finally submits. But he cheats me. He breaks too easy. Now I need new horse to conquer. Perhaps Eastern Europe? Was next on list after Trump, but I did not expect to be horny again so soon. I Must Break You, Vladimir Putin President…
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