H. Seitz
April 15, 2019
Divine Advice
Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Chris Davis, Jesus, Major League Baseball, MLB, Satan
Dear DA, I play Major League Baseball for the Baltimore Orioles, so you’ve probably never heard of me, and if you have, well, it’s probably because I kind of stink lately. I’m in an 0 for 53 slump, which is historically bad. Like literally historically the worst ever except for pitchers, but pitchers aren’t really people. They’re actually more like fascists or monsters, unholy sub-human monsters who keep throwing baseballs at me really hard, and I can’t hit them. I’m powerless to hit them. They won’t bench me because they’re paying me too much. It’s great having all that money, but I really wish they’d just bench me. The best part of playing baseball is all the sitting involved. This is why I chose baseball over more demanding sports like ping pong or dominos. I really need some help, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. My soul, my…
Read more
H. Seitz
March 25, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Catholic, Creed, Cruise, Donald Trump, Evangelical, George W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Google, Jesus, Kevin Hart, Lady Galadriel, Mark Wahlberg, Mel Gibson, One Ring, Richard NIxon, Riley Roberts, Satan, Sylvester Stallone, The Expendables, Tom
Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,…
Read more
H. Seitz
February 18, 2019
Divine Advice
Academy Awards, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Donald Trump, Jesus, Jimmy Kimmel, Kevin Hart, Robert De Niro, Satan, social justice warriors, The Oscars, Wanda Sykes
Dear DA, Am I hosting the Oscars? I thought that little black guy was supposed to do it. Ah, some old homophobic tweets turned up, so he’s out and I’m in. Wait a second. I just called him a little black guy. Is that racist? Like bad enough to get me replaced? I’m really kind of unprepared. I wasn’t even sure if they still did the Oscars. It seems like calling whatshisface a little black guy is okay. Kevin Hart. I just looked it up. Like most people, I’m totally reliant on my phone. If my phone told me that Aliens and Predators had invaded and to hide in the forest, I would probably hide in the forest. You can’t get cell reception out there, so I’d never know when it was safe to come out. I really don’t want to do this Oscars thing. You can tell I’m not…
Read more
H. Seitz
February 1, 2019
Divine Advice
Gisele Bündchen, Jesus, New England Patriots, NFL, Satan, Super Bowl, Tom Brady
Dear DA, Not many people know this about me, but I’ve got a specially-abled twin brother living in my basement. Usually, he’s okay, but sometimes I have to chain him up. He goes really crazy over my wife and gets jealous about other things, too, like the Super Bowl. Honestly, I’m not too bright myself either after all those blows to the head. You ever have one of those days when you forget how to spell the word “cat”? Apparently neither do most people. After all these Super Bowls, my brother Dom Brady is going nuts. He’s demanding that this time, it’s his turn, and my wife actually agrees with him. I don’t think they understand how difficult my job is, and even though we’re identical twins, people are going to be able to tell the difference. Dom hasn’t been out of that basement in almost 20 years, and before…
Read more
H. Seitz
January 28, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Amazon, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warrem, Hillary Clinton, Jeff Besos, Jesus, Jill Stein, Koch Brothers, Satan, Viagra
Dear DA, I’m considering running for president, and this time, I think I can win. I may look like an old man on the outside, but I’m still as sharp as a tack. Lurking within my battered frame is the spunk of a hot latina lesbian woman who just found out her grandma’s homemade salsa is nothing but Old El Paso with a little bit of ketchup added in. I’ve been duped! We’ve all been duped! Can you believe this wall nonsense? I’ve always considered myself to be an honorable Jew, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Walls are bad news. Ask the East Germans, or the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. Is this really the look we’re going for? I’ve noticed that hot latina lesbians are trending lately. Yes, I know how to find out about what’s trending on the interweb. I keep up with the social media…
Read more
H. Seitz
January 7, 2019
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, anhedonia, Derek Jeter, Eve, Garden of Eden, Gwyneth Paltrow, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, kidney stones, Redd Foxx, Rick James, Satan, sepsis, The Jungle Book, vagina rocks
Original photo by DVSROSS
Dear DA, First of all, I have to thank Satan for giving me eternal hotness in return for my soul. I mean look at me. I’m 49 fucking years old. 49! If you want to use me in your ads or testimonials, count me in. Other people are just scammers, man. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina rocks did absolutely nothing for me, although I did manage to turn a profit selling my used ones on e-Bay. Apparently there’s a market for rocks covered in my vagina juice, and get this: it was mainly women buying them. What a strange fucking world. You can buy rocks for your vagina, but when they grow naturally in your kidneys, you have to pay people to take them out. I guess the grass is always greener. Anyway, I really need some advice. For the last few months, I’ve been experiencing anhedonia. I no longer take pleasure…
Read more
H. Seitz
December 17, 2018
Divine Advice
Amanda Heard, Amanda Peet, Amy Adams, Aquaman, Brie Larson, Captain Marvel, Disney, Get Out, Google, Hillary Clinton, Jenna Fisher, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Johnny Galecki, Justin Long, Margot Robbie, MCU, Pearl Jam, Satan, Sue Storm, The Invisible Girl, The Invisible Woman
Dear DA, No one seems to be able to decide whether I’m hot or not. I mean for a regular person, obviously I’m hot, but for a starlet, I’m kind of average and forgettable. I’m so replaceable I don’t even remind anyone of anyone, like some of the other clones do (like Amy Adams and the Australian version, or whatsherface in Get Out and Amanda Peet). Anyway, what I’m really worried about is Captain Marvel. I think Disney may have overestimated the strength and duration of the SJW trend. Some of them are running around in ski masks now terrorising people, and that kind of look and behavior is difficult to rationalize, even for people who are used to being hypocrites. Meanwhile, Aquaman is blowing up in China. And that girl, Amanda Heard? What the hell? That isn’t even fair, to have women who look like that running around. She’s…
Read more
H. Seitz
November 19, 2018
Divine Advice
Allison Williams, Amanda Peet, Amy Adams, Bugs Bunny, Clint Eastwood, Get Out, Isla Fisher, Jenna Fischer, Jesus, Jordan Peele, Kaley Cuoco, Kat Dennings, Lena Dunham, Satan
Dear DA, I’m one of those hot, relatively young, interchangeable actresses in the mold of Amy Adams, Jenna Fischer, and Isla Fisher, except I’m a slightly newer model in the Amanda Peet mold. You may have seen me in Get Out. I play the evil hot white girl. I also play an evil hot white girl in the show Girls, which co-stars Lena Dunham, another evil white girl. The truth about hot white girls, and even ones who are kind of ugly like Lena Dunham, is that we’re all kind of evil. All women are. Anyway, like Amanda Peet, I’m a lean, taut, blue-eyed brunette, and you can kind of tell that I’m evil just by looking at me, which is irresistible to most men. I was perfectly cast in Get Out. If you want to lure black men to their doom and Amanda Peet is out of town, you…
Read more
H. Seitz
November 12, 2018
Divine Advice
Al Roker, Aquaman, Batman, Beyonce, Captain America, Don Lemon, Goulies, Hitler, Jesus, John Legend, John Lennon, Johnny Storm, Namor, Nazis, Satan, Stan Winston, Superman, Teddy Ruxpin, The Beatles, the Human Torch, The Invaders, The Submariner, WOnder Woman, Yoko Ono
Dear DA, I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible. It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are. Is it racist to notice? According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism. It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.…
Read more
Bridget McCrea
November 5, 2018
Divine Advice
Bubbles, chimp, Jesus, Lilith, Michael Jackson, Satan
Dear DA, Why aren’t animals included in the LGBTQ community? Specism is real people. Do you know how difficult is to be a gay animal with no support network? For some of the “lesser” animals, I get it. Chickens and cows can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. The world is not a perfect place. Players gotta player and people gotta eat. But animals like dogs, cats, and especially primates, deserve agency and consideration. I was rich. I had it all. Roller coasters, fresh bananas, and a gold leaf tower to hurl my feces at. An indoor gold leaf tower, and it was self-cleaning because we hired Mexicans to clean it. Aside from being a chimp, I’m also a homosexual. When Michael Jackson dumped me, I lost everything. As a chimp, I had no legal standing, and as a homosexual, I had no community. There are still no…
Read more
