H. Seitz
June 21, 2021
Divine Advice
Hitler, Jair Bolsonaro, Jesus, Joe Montana, Kevin Costner, Lucifer, Pete Rose, Rodrigo Duterte, Satan, Superman, Taylor Swift, Tim Tebow, Tom Brady
Hi Jesus, I know we didn’t always get along, but I do want to make the world a better place and hopefully, you’ll postpone The Apocalypse again. You have to stop sending every baseball player to hell, or expediting their weird “deals” with me. One told me he’d give up the rest of his life if I gave him a 100mph fastball. I asked if he wanted anything else, like maybe to win the World Series, or also be able to hit, and he said “nah.” 70% of the people I see in hell are baseball players. It almost makes me miss the Old Testament times, but I don’t–really, I don’t. I know I’m supposed to be “evil,” but ever since you relaxed your standards, especially the confession at the end and you go to heaven!” bullshit (even for me, that seems fucked up), my game has been off. Torturing…
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H. Seitz
December 7, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Amber Heard, AOC, Blake Lively, Chelsea Clinton, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Hitler, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner
Dear DA, Generic blondes? You’d kill 100 people to get any one of our “generic” blonde asses. Jesus, I know people in your time were filthy and short, so I’m probably way too tall for you. And clean. And luscious. Unlike most people, I don’t have a soul, so you have no leverage over me, and I will be president in 2024. Think about the average American, then think about me and Kamala Harris, and do the math. I’m Hitler’s wet dream. A proud, beautiful Aryan woman. And as great as my dad was, I’m smarter than him, and he’s a premature ejaculator. Even me vs AOC. She’s got a great rack, and I would do her, but me vs her? America likes “generic” blondes. For a couple of single guys, you are incredibly arrogant. So you wouldn’t want to fuck Blake Lively? Or Amber Heard? They could commit genocide,…
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H. Seitz
September 21, 2020
Divine Advice
Bill Gates, Disney, Flipper, Hitler, Jesus Christ, Satan, Steve Jobs
Dear DA, Who’s currently the biggest animal star in the world? Drawing a blank? Let’s make it easier. Name one animal star. Just one. All of us are so supposedly “woke” nowadays, right? Well I call bullshit. This is specism, pure and simple. It isn’t bad enough that my brothers and sisters are still ending up in tuna. Now the few of us who have managed to rise up have been cut down by CGI. It’s just so much cheaper and easier than dealing with an actual sentient being. And your day is coming, believe me. Google or Facebook will have a God app in no time. Instead of going to church, people will just confess to their phones. You’re supposed to be setting an example, and you won’t even admit that animals have souls. How do you think that makes us feel? Hitler can repent at the last second…
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H. Seitz
September 14, 2020
Divine Advice
David Berkowitz, Drew Barrymore, Firestarter, Frosted Flakes, Hitler, Jesus, John "Pillow Pyro" Orr, Julio Gonzalez, Satan, The Son of Sam
Dear DA, I know, I know, I know. This looks bad. Really bad. And I couldn’t have picked a worse time, what with the COVID-19, protests, and the weird NBA bubble. Why did they have to use the word “bubble”? In better times, didn’t it mean something else, like if a team was on the bubble? But now, it’s like, they’re stuck in a bubble, in a town? So now I’m not even sure what bubble used to mean. As far as the fire, the thing is, well, we’ve all been kind of stir crazy, you know? And my internet went down, so no Twitter, no Netflix, no nothing. I tried to read, but the book was boring, so I set it on fire, and watching it burn was so much better than reading it, I couldn’t stop. I tried to read another book, but it was boring, too, so…
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H. Seitz
July 27, 2020
Divine Advice
Hitler, Jesus, Lamborghini, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Mickey Mantle, Mike Trout, Satan, Trump
Dear DA, I’ve been blessed to be the second coming of Mickey Mantle, but cursed to be on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Awful team, awful name, and honestly, everything except the weather stinks. Most of the strip clubs close at 1:30 am. I mean seriously, thanks a lot for that extra half hour. Whatever’s going on, I’m sure Disney has something to do with it, they’ve always been a bunch of sadistic punks. Anyway, playing in empty ballparks is surreal. At first, it was difficult to get used to this weird new feeling I had, like inner peace. After the first few innings, it hit me, and while I’m ashamed to admit it, I’m happier playing baseball without the fans. To put it bluntly, I hate them, and maybe humanity in general. What kind of loser pays good money to watch grown men play a ridiculous game? And…
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H. Seitz
June 8, 2020
Divine Advice
Charles Koch, David Koch, Hitler, Jesus, Mother Teresa, Satan
Dear DA, Why is it so difficult for most Americans to understand that all I and most of the “radical” right want is to go back in time to a mythical dreamland that never really existed? Where there were milkmen in blue onesies, wives always had supper waiting, and everyone was white. And when are black people going to understand that no matter how many of them “die,” that’s no good reason to damage property or disrupt revenue streams? I get it, I want to protest myself sometimes, especially when it comes to taxes. My net worth of $48 billion might sound like a lot, but really, it isn’t nearly enough. Regardless, when I want to pout, I put on my big-boy pants and do it alone in my garage as God intended. I would never dream of tainting an NFL football game with politics. I know that the media…
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H. Seitz
December 7, 2018
Horoscopes
Ariana Grande, Aries, Barack Obama, Beyonce, Cancer, Capricorn, Charles Manson, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Ed Gein, Elvis Presley, Gemini, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica ALba, John Wayne Gacy, Kayne West, Leo, Libra, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep, Muhammad Ali, Neve Campbell, Pancreatic, Pol Pot, Rosa Parks, Sagittarius, Saoirse Ronan, Scorpio, Shakira, Taurus, Taylor Swift, Ted Bundy, Virgo
Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project. Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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H. Seitz
November 12, 2018
Divine Advice
Al Roker, Aquaman, Batman, Beyonce, Captain America, Don Lemon, Goulies, Hitler, Jesus, John Legend, John Lennon, Johnny Storm, Namor, Nazis, Satan, Stan Winston, Superman, Teddy Ruxpin, The Beatles, the Human Torch, The Invaders, The Submariner, WOnder Woman, Yoko Ono
Dear DA, I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible. It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are. Is it racist to notice? According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism. It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.…
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H. Seitz
October 22, 2018
Divine Advice
Bio Dome, Brett Kavanaugh, Charles Nelson Reilly, Christine Blasey Ford, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, Donna Rice, HBO, Hitler, human centipede, Jesus Christ, Lindsey Graham, Milo Yiannopoulos, Porky Pig, Ronald McDonald, Rose McGowan, Satan, Scott Baio, Stephen Baldwin, Supreme Court, Zac Efron
Dear DA, I always thought those crazy SJWs screaming that America is a patriarchy were out of their minds, but now, I’m not so sure. Take me for example. 20 million people watched my hearing on TV. I lied, I was histrionic, I was basically obviously full of shit. And I’m in. And the same thing happened to Clarence Thomas. At least for the presidency, or at least until Trump, any little thing might have been enough to sink you. Like Donna Rice sitting on your lap or some nonsense about swift boats. It didn’t even have to be true. Maybe they were a little too fussy back then, but nowadays, we’ve gone too far, and I’m saying this as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America. When will this nonsense end? Trump could nominate Ronald McDonald to run the Food and Drug Administration…
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H. Seitz
August 20, 2018
Divine Advice
American Beauty, Billionaire Boys Club, Cary Elwes, Evangelicals, Hitler, Jared Fogle, Jesus, Kevin Spacey, Satan, Subway
Dear DA, My new movie Billionaire Boys Club came out a few days ago and made $126.00. You read that correctly. $126.00. My share comes to 1.26 cents. What the hell can I do with 1.26 cents? I couldn’t even pay a dog to urinate on me for 1.26 cents. These people persecuting me, they are so full of shit. If American Beauty came out tomorrow, they’d criticize it for being homophobic. Why is Kevin Spacey going for the underaged girl when he has so much more in common with the underaged boy? And where are all the black people and lesbians? You know who else was a monster? Hitler. This stupid idea, that if you mention Hitler you’ve lost the argument, that’s more bullshit. It’s the same with “not all white people” or “not all men.” If I were to say that not all men love their wives enough,…
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