Dear DA,
Generic blondes? You’d kill 100 people to get any one of our “generic” blonde asses.
Jesus, I know people in your time were filthy and short, so I’m probably way too tall for you. And clean. And luscious.
Unlike most people, I don’t have a soul, so you have no leverage over me, and I will be president in 2024. Think about the average American, then think about me and Kamala Harris, and do the math.
I’m Hitler’s wet dream. A proud, beautiful Aryan woman. And as great as my dad was, I’m smarter than him, and he’s a premature ejaculator.
Even me vs AOC. She’s got a great rack, and I would do her, but me vs her? America likes “generic” blondes.
For a couple of single guys, you are incredibly arrogant. So you wouldn’t want to fuck Blake Lively? Or Amber Heard? They could commit genocide, and I’d still want to fuck them, and I’m straight.
You’re hypocrites and liars, and I ultimately blame everyone but myself, but especially you. Your moralizing might carry a little bit more weight if you took your damn bible belt off. Even for me, those people are fucking nuts.
Look me in the face, or I guess in Jesus’s case, the boobs, and tell me you don’t want to bust a nut on me. And I’ll tell you I’m not running for president.
Sincerely,
The hottest craziest bitch you’ll never get to fuck.
Ivanka Trump
Dear Ivanka,
What’s it like to sit on your father’s lap at the ripe old age of 39 and feel his little ChapStick-sized erection pressed against your ass? “Is that ChapStick in your pocket?” you ask, but he shakes his head “no.” And yet you stay right there on his lap and tell him everything you want for Christmas as though he’s Santa with a blond toupee. Meanwhile, your little pussy of a husband is standing right next to you trying not to think about how you never look at him like that.
Speaking of Jared, you forgot one major thing when you bragged about being Hitler’s wet dream. I don’t think I need to spell it out for you.
If AOC fell into a vat of acid and lost her amazing rack along with all of her skin, I’d still rather be with her than you or Blake Lively or Amber Heard. But you don’t just fuck a fine woman like AOC, you make love to her. A two-bit hussy like you who lost your virginity to a prized thoroughbred wouldn’t understand. Yeah, I saw you in the stable that day. I see everything, remember? Do you know who else saw it? Your dad. He was peaking through the boards and jerking off. It’s not as bad as what your brothers did. Don and Eric lost their virginities to each other. They traded jizz back and forth as though their loads of cum were Pokémon cards.
As for you becoming president in 2024, I wouldn’t hold your breath. The only way that’s going to happen is if your father dies of a heart attack or something. His blood is 85% bacon grease, but he has as much use for a circulatory system as a vampire does. Up here in Heaven we’ve got money on when he’s going to keel over, and the smart bet is never.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Ivanka,
Without a soul, you’re no more attractive to me than a cardboard cutout. By the way, I have a cardboard cutout of you, and I bust a nut on it all the time. And I’ve busted a nut on the real Amber Heard, and she’s way hotter than you. You’re just hot for a politician’s daughter, and if you want a reminder of how low the bar is, just take a look at Chelsea Clinton. I’ve busted a nut on Chelsea, as a matter of fact. She may be ugly, but she is a demon between the sheets. Her soul tasted kind of like a piece of week-old fried chicken that’s been fished out of a dumpster by a homeless man and traded to another homeless man for half a bottle of Listerine. Still, a soul is a soul.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
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