H. Seitz
February 12, 2018
Divine Advice
Dear DA, I guess you’ve heard that I’m in hot water again for saying there’s a difference between groping and rape. If I’m wrong about this one, I wasted over 25 years of my life trying to educate Ben Affleck. Just look at that guy. He’s a big, rapey looking mutherfucker. Ever since Good Will Hunting, I always told him “lookey lookey okay, but sometimes creepy, gropey gropey bad, and rapey rapey very bad, bad Ben Affleck! Bad boy!” Then I’d smack him with a rolled up newspaper. We were basically teen idols after Good Will Hunting, but he was already 25, so I even taught him the difference between regular rape and statutory rape. You should have seen the look of horror on his face, but it isn’t his fault he’s functionally retarded. Am I allowed to use the word “retarded’? It means less advanced than a person should…
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H. Seitz
February 8, 2018
Fiction
We met online. I had never met anyone online before, but it seemed like we were compatible. Our mutual love of animals sealed the deal. Or at least the date. Once she found about Mr. Snuggles, my emotional support/service animal, she wanted to meet me (and him) asap. She asked what I needed him for (depression and color blindness), how long we had been together (almost a year now), if I had any other pets (not anymore). By the end of our chat, she was practically begging me to tell her if Mr. Snuggles was a cat, a dog, a monkey, what? Living in NYC, you see a lot of people with unusual animals, or animals where you wouldn’t expect them. There’s an old lady who’s been wandering around the lower east side with a cat on her head for the last two decades. No leash. The cat never fusses…
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H. Seitz
February 5, 2018
Divine Advice
Baron Trump, Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jesus, Melania Trump, Michelle Obama, President Trump, Satan, The Devil, The Donald
Dear DA, I’m considering leaving my husband. It isn’t just the cheating or the humiliation or him lusting after his own goddamn daughter, it’s everything. He wears trusses whenever he goes out in public. Multiple trusses. And even with the trusses, he looks like a slob. And his odor. He smells like old ketchup and Play-Doh. When I feed him his bedtime cheeseburgers, I have to mash them up in a blender first and put a bib on him. A fucking bib. And when he wakes up in the morning, I have to bathe and dress him. He’s always obstinate about taking his bath. Then there’s the baby powder and the diaper and the trusses. His suits look funny because they’re all onesies. He can’t even tie his own fucking shoes. When I was pregnant with Baron and stopped having my period, he was afraid that Baron might be a…
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H. Seitz
January 31, 2018
Editorial
Dating hard for Hulk. No time. Too busy with Hulk business. But lonely time at night, Hulk know Hulk need love. Need devote more time to find mate. At first embarrassed to online date. Hulk no weirdo. But Hulk realize no other option. Online dating numbers game. When Hulk first try, only message or like woman Hulk really think compatible. Now, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right. Any free moment, swipe right. Barely bother look at picture. Same with other site. Like message, like message, like message, like message. Giant fingers make process slow, child mind make message gibberish, but new approach already better. Just last week, Nigeria lady try scam Hulk. Pretend to be doctor from NY on vacation. Ask money for ticket home. Maybe not true love, but at least get message. For all flaw of online dating, still better than real life interaction.
H. Seitz
January 29, 2018
Divine Advice
Harvey Weinstein, Jesus, Kevin Spacey, Louie, Louis C. K., Pamela Adlon, Satan
Dear Jesus and Satan, What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? Let me try to wrap my head around this. I asked women if I could jerk off in front of them. If they said no, I didn’t. If they said yes, I did. So what the fuck did I do wrong? Sure, it’s a creepy question. I’m a creepy guy and I’m into creepy shit. So I ask people if they’re up to it. Does a woman’s word mean nothing? Seriously, do women have no agency or accountability? The argument is that I’m rich and privileged, so they felt forced. Would they have felt any better if I was a homeless guy? Seriously, what the fuck? I am not responsible for what other people feel. I don’t have a lot of control over that. What if I had asked her to watch my dog? That one woman says I…
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H. Seitz
January 24, 2018
Fiction
Mrs. Tabatsky was an elementary school substitute teacher. The first time I had her was in 2nd grade. She always talked about herself in the third person and had a nasally, monotone voice. “Mrs. Tabatsky says that you should read quietly so you don’t disturb the other students or Mrs. Tabatsky. You don’t want to make Mrs. Tabatsky upset.” Maybe she did this to emphasize the “Mrs.”, that yes, indeed, she was married. She was a short, fat, pear shaped woman with a doughy face and thick glasses. I didn’t even like girls yet, but I couldn’t imagine anyone living with her. So this is what adults do. They pair up. Even with people like Mrs. Tabatsky. I wondered what her husband was like. I felt sorry for him, but he was probably awful, too. Mrs. Tabatsky might have been tolerable if she wasn’t so whiny. She was…
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Ryan Klemek
January 22, 2018
Divine Advice
Cheers, Cliff Clavin, Danny DeVito, George Wendt, Jesus, John Ratzenberger, Judith Light, Kathrine Helmond, Kirstie Alley, Normie, R. Kelly, Rhea Perlman, Satan, Ted Danson, Tony Danza, Trapped in the Closet, Who's The Boss
Dear Divine Advice, I have been carrying a huge burden for many years, and it’s time to finally come clean. Once when I was working on “Who’s the Boss”, I smoked a marijuana cigarette. I know, I know….it’s awful, and I am so upset about it. It was right before one of my typical coke-filled orgies with Judith Light and Katherine Helmond, you know “Angela” and “Mona”. Man, I have so many wonderful memories of those gang-bang sessions. Since we were all married at the time, it was even more exciting, and I liked to force the camera folks to record our sessions, just to save the moment. For some reason, Mrs. Rossini…yes, I forget her real name, stumbled upon our session that day, and I believe it was Judith that suggested we chop her up and throw her into the ocean. I’m not sure if it was the cocaine…
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H. Seitz
January 17, 2018
Fiction
It was all so simple and obvious. Everything fell right into place if you just thought about it for a little while. It was a cliche, but all you had to do was wake up. He had to admit that it felt good. To be one of the few who knew the secret. Who saw the truth. But despite all of his research, there were still those who questioned him. Why couldn’t they just be grateful? Couldn’t they see how foolish they were being? Of course they couldn’t. They had been followers their entire lives. It wasn’t easy to break free. He had to be patient with them, but it was still frustrating. Talking to stupid people was impossible unless you were stupid too, and that wouldn’t help either. You’d be able to talk to them, but you’d be one of them. You’d have nothing to say. If…
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H. Seitz
January 15, 2018
Divine Advice
Dennis Rodman, Jesus, Jones, Judas Priest, Madonna, Satan
Dear DA, I fucked Madonna. No matter what you think of her, no matter how freaky and creepy she looks nowadays, she’s a crazy little five foot nothing white girl and I’m an enormous black guy. To me, that says something great. I’ve never been the most stable guy, and now I’m the only American ambassador to North Korea. It’s heavy, dude. Or dudes. I’ve been under pressure before. I played on championship teams for Detroit and Chicago, but I had people like Isiah Thomas and Jordan and Pippen helping my ass. I knew my role. What I’ve got now is D. Trump. Despite the drugs, alcohol, being black, cross dressing, whatever you want to judge me for, believe me when I tell you, I’d rather have any one of those other guys as president. I’d rather have John Starks. Maybe it sounds like treachery and shit, but my boy…
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H. Seitz
January 8, 2018
Divine Advice
Elon Musk, Jesus, Mars, Satan, The Devil
Ever since I was a small child growing up in South Africa I’ve always wanted to get off this planet. Nowadays, I want to leave even more. NASA frustrates me. The public and the government frustrate me. They have this ridiculous obsession with bringing everyone back alive that’s been holding us back for decades. Even now, with my own spaceships, I’m faced with the same obstacle. I’ve made my ships safer, but people are still afraid to go up. I’ve tried calling these people cowards and that didn’t work either. I even tried triple-dog-daring them to go to Mars, but the psychologists decided that anyone who took the dare is too crazy to make decisions for themselves. My cold robotic intellect tells me that if I can’t leave the earth, my only other option is to destroy it. You’d think it be easy to do. Humanity is basically doing it…
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