Divine Advice For Matt Damon 4

Dear DA,

I guess you’ve heard that I’m in hot water again for saying there’s a difference between groping and rape. If I’m wrong about this one, I wasted over 25 years of my life trying to educate Ben Affleck. Just look at that guy. He’s a big, rapey looking mutherfucker. Ever since Good Will Hunting, I always told him “lookey lookey okay, but sometimes creepy, gropey gropey bad, and rapey rapey very bad, bad Ben Affleck! Bad boy!” Then I’d smack him with a rolled up newspaper.

We were basically teen idols after Good Will Hunting, but he was already 25, so I even taught him the difference between regular rape and statutory rape. You should have seen the look of horror on his face, but it isn’t his fault he’s functionally retarded.

Am I allowed to use the word “retarded’? It means less advanced than a person should be for their age. So Ben is mentally retarded, while midgets are physically retarded. At least heightwise.

That thing with whatsherface, Minnie Driver, about me breaking up with her via Oprah on national television. I know that was a crappy thing to do, but I was really afraid to break up with her in person. And just because I do crappy things and I’m a white and a male and a 100% heterosexual doesn’t mean what I say is automatically wrong.

Look at Robert Oppenheimer. He stabbed one of his tutors when he was a kid, but he still managed to give nuclear weapons to the world. Maybe that’s not the best example but you know what I mean.

I’m worried about Ben Affleck. If he finds out that there isn’t a difference between gawking, groping, and rape, the first person he’s going to come after is me. After that, it’s open season. You don’t understand how his mind works. First he’ll be really afraid because he’s always looking at people, then he’ll figure since he’s screwed anyway he might as well do whatever he wants. And what he wants is bad. Very bad. Bad Ben Affleck! Bad boy!

Your old pal Matt Damon

Dear Matt Damon,

As always, we’re here to help, but you haven’t asked a question. What is it you want us to do exactly? Castrate Ben Affleck so he no longer has the desire to gawk/grope/rape?

Now that you mention it, that’s not such a bad idea. Consider it done. But we’re doing it the Evangelical way, which means we remove the genitals completely. When he wakes up tomorrow morning, his nether regions will be as smooth as a Ken doll. The plus side is, he’ll no longer be able to take a piss either. Wait—I guess that means he’ll die. Oh, well. I wish there was some other way. In the old days, I’d confront him, give him a chance to confess his sins, then punish him in such a way as to scare him into never doing it again. But these gawk/grope/rape stories are breaking so fast, I don’t have time to give everyone the individualized attention they deserve. So yeah, for the time being, all the gawk/grope/rape cases will be handled the exact same way: genital disintegration. This just makes it easier. Anyway, you can tell Ben whatever you want regarding the different levels of sexual offense, but by tomorrow it won’t matter.

—Jesus the Busy

Dear Matt Damon,

Looks like you’ve gone and put your foot in your mouth, and the public hates you again. I’ll tell you why I hate, you though. It’s seeing you without eyebrows in that Downsizing movie. Whose idea was that? Anyway, I can make this whole thing go away and put you back in the public’s favor. All you have to do is give me your soul. I’m actually surprised I don’t have it already, given all of your undeserved fame and fortune. How the hell did you manage that on your own? I guess you’ve been coasting on Batfleck’s talent, which he bought with his soul. That makes you a soul mooch, you know that? They don’t take kindly to soul mooches up there in Heaven. Another thing to consider—when Batfleck finds out you’re to blame for his genital disintegration (it’s your letter to us that got The Lord’s attention and brought about the sweeping round of punishments, after all), your free ride will be pretty much over. And if you think you can get by on your looks and reputation, you’re as delusional as Kirk Cameron. So I say it’s time to make a deal with me and solidify your future. Since I’ve been fucking your wife for years, I’ll even throw in something extra. I’ll double your dick size, putting your erection at a whopping three inches. Then you won’t feel so ashamed when you have to do the full frontal nude scene in that indie “priest goes berserk” movie you just signed on to do.

—Lucifer Morning Wood

H. Seitz
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