Tag Archive: Katy Perry

Divine Advice For Katy Perry

Dear DA, I started out as a blow-up sex doll my father bought from a little porn shop in Santa Barbara, but I prayed really hard and a magic fairy turned me into a real little girl. This made things really awkward for my family, especially my dad. They’re all like super religious, but like most religious people, they’re also enormous hypocrites, so everything worked out alright in the end. At least until now. No one cares about Katy Perry anymore. I was worried about those Japanese sex robots. You know how the Japanese love karaoke? It’s only a matter of time before they build a karaoke machine into a sex robot and BAM!–you basically have Katy Perry or Keisha or any of us really. But it turns out I’m already obsolete. I guess I should be grateful I made it as long as I did. I am 34, which…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 2

Dear DA, I’m incredibly hot for someone who looks inbred. Maybe that actually adds to my hotness, the whole cousin-marryin’, age-of-consent-ignorin’, wish-there-was-still-slavery charm of the south. I know slavery is wrong, but it’s kind of awesome to have slaves. Nowadays we call them personal assistants, but most of them are unpaid interns, so technically, they’re slaves. I whip mine when they move too slow and a few of them seem to get off on it. Have you seen my video for Delicate? I do a split on the hood of a car like Tawny Kitaen. It’s awesome! I also run around NYC barefoot, which in real life would be suicidal. Anyway, I’ve had a lot of petty feuds. A lot of them. And there’s a saying, that if you run into one asshole, they’re the asshole, but if everyone’s an asshole, you’re the asshole. But in my case, I think…
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