Tag Archive: AOC

Divine Advice For Kyle Rittenhouse

Dear Divine Advice, I thought helping the brave police in Kenosha battle the violent, anti-American Black Lives Matter and Antifa anarcho-communists would finally get me laid, but it hasn’t. Sure, being a national hero is great and all, but I’m 17 years old. I need to get my dick wet. The good news is Trump says I can be his Secretary of State when he gets re-elected, and one of the fringe benefits of this position is an Epstein-certified brothel. That will be sweet, but I don’t think I can wait until January. My cellmates keep teasing me about still being a virgin, and even though I won’t ever see any of these jerks again once my Nazi lawyer gets me out of jail, I still need their approval. Do you guys have any advice on how to better leverage my fame in order to win over the ladies? I’ve…
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Divine Advice For Steve King

Dear DA, Well it’s official: we are on the brink of the Apocalypse. AOC, or as I like to call her, Glasses Girl, just won her primary, and I just lost mine, and she had to go rub my nose in it by calling me out on Twitter. To be fair, I kind of accused her of being a shifty Mexican liar, but the only reason I even mentioned her name was to see if she’d pay attention to me. I know I’m supposed to hate her, but it’s like one of those teen movies where I’m the Superstud Jock and she’s the nerdy Glasses Girl. My plan was to win a bet with Mitch McConnell that I could take her to prom and dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her when we went up onstage to get our crowns, but somewhere along the way, I fell for her…
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Divine Advice For Mike Pence 2

Dear DA, If Phil Donahue and Charlie Brown had a Benjamin Button style old-man baby, that would be me, so I have to do whatever I can to look tough, no matter who I might put in danger. You ever have a cat that was afraid to go outside? So whenever he did, he would puff out his fur to make himself look big and tough, but really he just looked ridiculous? I was talking to mommy (that’s my pet name for my wife) and she told me that no matter how silly or sick I might feel, there’s no turning back now. I have to keep getting up and putting on my hair and face just like mommy, and if mommy can do it, so can I, because I’m her special little old-man baby. I try to be brave, but I’m still afraid. There are just so many mysteries,…
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Divine Advice For Bernie Sanders 2

Dear Characters from Christian Mythology, As you know, I suspended my presidential bid this week, and my supporters are none too happy about it. They blame the Democratic establishment for marginalizing our progressive values, undermining our revolution, and conspiring against my campaign. Obviously, they’re right. The problem is Donald Trump is still our president and he’s making things worse every second of every day. How can I convince my tribe of Bernie Bros that Joe Biden may be a creepy hair-sniffing fossil with dementia, but we still need him to win in November? It might take another four years for the country to get it’s head out of it’s ass, but we don’t have that kind of time. Sincerely, Bernie Sanders Dear Bernie, It’s adorable that you still think there’s going to be an election in November. Anyway, there’s only one way to keep your disciples from losing hope—you have…
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Divine Advice For Tulsi Gabbard

Today is International Women’s Day (in the middle of Women’s History month), and I’m wondering why the hell the whole country keeps saying that there are no women left in the 2020 presidential race. Sure, I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m still here, dammit. At least for now. I made a lot of enemies when I kicked Kamala Harris’s ass on the debate stage over her social justice failures, and then I further enraged the party when I dared to fight Hillary Clinton after she called me a Russian asset. The Democratic establishment doesn’t like it when people call them out on their bullshit, and the lamestream media is more than willing to go along with whatever narrative the elites put forward. Maybe I should have played nice in the beginning. Maybe I should have waited until I had more support before taking the gloves off, but that’s…
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Divine Advice For Mitt Romney

Dear DA, Maybe you pulled some kind of double-reverse Pinnochio on me, but for the last week or so, I’ve been compelled to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and voting to impeach that knock-kneed babushka was just the beginning. Some people are suddenly under the impression that I’m a “good person,” and that’s just not true. This is hardly surprising to my “friends” and “family,” they’ve known for decades that I’m as rapacious and bloodthirsty as the terrifying bird who symbolizes this once great country. What disappoints them is that I’m just as wooden and dull as I’ve always appeared to be. There is no great intellect or perversion lurking within unless you count my sexual incontinence. I must be the only person in America who isn’t a pervert. I was about to write “man,” but my newfound honesty compels me to acknowledge that…
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Divine Advice For Donald Trump

Dear DA, Man. The most dangerous animal. The most dangerous animal of all is a man with nothing to lose. And this is how I’m Making America Great Again. We will be a dangerous nation of men with nothing left to lose. Like Rambo, except robots. I can’t stress this enough: all of the actual fighting will be done by robots. I call them Rambots. They’re good people, these Rambots. Some of them are rapists and murderers, but most of them, I assume, are fine people. Or Rambots. I’ve hunted men before. Or more accurately, the female version of men. I believe the scientific term for them is “bimbos.” And if that’s not politically correct, you can blame it on those creepy egghead scientists. Half of them have never gotten laid in their lives. Probably all of them. They’re too busy looking up at the climate. They wouldn’t know a…
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Divine Advice For AOC

Dear DA, Once I again, I’m the victim of the patriarchy. It’s ageism, pure and simple. They say I’m too young and I don’t know anything, but I’ve learned a few tricks from them. You may have noticed my new “glasses girl” look. Men are all perverts. If you’re a cute girl, anything you do is a fetish. If I ate a banana, I’d be “banana girl.” As “glasses girl”, I’m a double-whammy. I look smarter, and I’m also a fetish. People are pretty stupid to begin with, but if you sexually distract them, they become dumber than marionettes. As myself, I’m already a force to be reckoned with, but as “glasses girl”, I just might be unstoppable. Also, can you believe the nerve of that bitch Laura Ingraham trying to tell me how to pronounce my own fucking name? I’m not some pretentious hipster saying “Barthelona” instead of “Barcelona”,…
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Divine Advice For Democrats Running For President

Dear DA, It took us 7 hours to decide how or who to address this letter to, which is actually kind of a record for us as far as quickness and decisiveness. We wanted to be inclusive, so some of us wanted to list all the religions or deities still presiding over America, but we didn’t want to leave out the atheists or agnostics or offend anyone with the order, especially the Muslims. There’s no way to do this ecumenically and inclusively without sounding like nationalist extraterrestrials (Dear People of America), so we just copied Taylor Swift and went with Dear DA. It seems like it should be unthinkable, but the one thing we all agree on is that Trump is going to be re-elected and we’re all going to lose. Just look at us. Trump is a lousy president and an even worse human being, but he’s good at…
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Divine Advice For Jimmy Kimmel

Dear DA, Am I hosting the Oscars? I thought that little black guy was supposed to do it. Ah, some old homophobic tweets turned up, so he’s out and I’m in. Wait a second. I just called him a little black guy. Is that racist? Like bad enough to get me replaced? I’m really kind of unprepared. I wasn’t even sure if they still did the Oscars. It seems like calling whatshisface a little black guy is okay. Kevin Hart. I just looked it up. Like most people, I’m totally reliant on my phone. If my phone told me that Aliens and Predators had invaded and to hide in the forest, I would probably hide in the forest. You can’t get cell reception out there, so I’d never know when it was safe to come out. I really don’t want to do this Oscars thing. You can tell I’m not…
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