Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
August 20, 2017
Editorial
Bizarro, Donald Trump, Facebook, flat earther, Hulk, pro-Trump, social media, Solomon Grundy
When Hulk begin on Book of Faces, Hulk happy to reconnect with old monster friends, many not see since high school. But Hulk notice more time on Book of Faces, sadder Hulk get. Many old friends change bad. Solomon Grundy half monster before, but now complete zombie monster, speak worse than Hulk, can only scream “Grundy!”. He vote for Donald Trump, always post pro-Trump, make Hulk very sad. Bizarro same. Bizarro also vote Trump and now flat earther. Bizarro literally fly around earth, but insist earth flat. Hulk understand old friend still old friend even if crazy now, but Hulk realize Book of Faces no substitute real life connection. Monsters grow, change, keep old monster friends, but also need new. Sometimes, Hulk sit alone with voice in head. Voice tell Hulk okay to take walk, read book, spend Hulk time with Hulk. Hulk ramble, but message still clear. Social media…
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H. Seitz
August 17, 2017
Editorial
As person monster, Hulk find racism appalling. As monster of color, Hulk personally disgusted. Judge Hulk for Hulk, and judge self for self. Hulk heart full of regret. World cruel, life hard. But Hulk take responsibility for Hulk. Nazi Sympathizers lowest, most cowardly form of life. No personal responsibility. No honest with selves. Easier to blame most vulnerable, so do, and fix nothing. Superman once tell Hulk that even Hulk can be force for good. Hulk still believe individual choice to be good. To try be brave and honest with self. Hulk still believe in beauty of world. Hate not solution. Hulk quote favorite poet. Say better than Hulk. The trees bend down along the stream, Where anchored swings my tiny boat. The day is one to drowse and dream And list the thrush’s throttling note. When music from his bosom bleeds Among the river’s rustling reeds. No ripple stirs…
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H. Seitz
August 13, 2017
Editorial
climate change, Hulk
A Message to Climate Change Deniers from The Incredible Hulk Scientific evidence convince Hulk man made climate change real. Hulk no expert, but Hulk separate raging emotion from reason long enough to be objective. Consensus among scientists nearly unanimous. Researchers and methodology sound. Good track record of responsible scientific inquiry. And Hulk once ate scientist, can feel him inside now, helping Hulk think. Banner. Name Banner. Climate change issue too complex to change mind of denier. Even argument about pollution too complex. Denier will argue manufacturing solar panels, wind turbines, also pollutes, and this true, but mostly one time pollution, and in long run, much less than always fire of gasoline and coal. But too complex, so Hulk go to most simple reality. Gasoline running out. Soon all gasoline all consumed by fire. So alternative necessary if want to preserve semblance of modern life. Forgive awkward prose, mind of Hulk…
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H. Seitz
August 6, 2017
Editorial
Anti-vaxxer, Hulk
Hulk share story now. Listen to Hulk. Very sad story. Papa Hulk, he fight from wheelchair. Very awkward. No polio vaccine in days of Papa Hulk. He drown in swimming pool. Polio bad. But before die, Papa Hulk made sure Baby Hulk, me, get vaccine. Before, polio, diphtheria, measles, mumps, rubella, rampant. Now, no. Hulk apologize for typos and grammar. Hands too big for keyboard and mind consumed by rage. But message still clear. Disease bad, vaccine good.
H. Seitz
July 10, 2017
Divine Advice
climate change, CNN, Donald Trump, Erin Brockovich, global warming, Jesus, Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman, Richard Gere, Satan
Dear Divine Advice, Global Warming or Climate Change or whatever you want to call it (a turd by any other name is still a turd) is obviously a hoax perpetuated by greedy scientists and China to emasculate coal workers and slander oil companies, companies run and staffed by The Great Americans who make modern life possible. You can’t fertilize oats and barley without gasoline, and no oats and barley would mean no beer and no steak. What are you going to feed a cow, solar panels? And what am I supposed to drink, fucking soy milk? This is ridiculous, I shouldn’t even have to ask, but I need you guys to set the record straight for all those anti-American, anti-cow peaceniks out there. Sincerely, Julia Roberts PS: I also hate Mexicans. Dear Julia Roberts, It sounds to me like you’re still bitter about Kiefer Sutherland cheating on you with that…
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H. Seitz
July 3, 2017
Default
Brad Pitt, Ed Norton, Fight Club, Jennifer Aniston, Jesus, Satan
Dear Jesus and Satan, A few years ago I made a deal with Satan. In exchange for my soul, he agreed to make a double of myself. The idea was that my double would go to work for me, clean my toilet, do my laundry, etc. But my double is maybe even worse than I am, he got fired from my job, he got us dumped by my girlfriend, all he does is drink and smoke, he’s sitting on my couch right now drinking beer, it’s 9 AM. I try to reason with him, but he knows exactly what I’m going to say, he knows all my darkest secrets, he’s basically me. It is unbearable, I already hated myself and now, constantly having to deal with myself, I completely get it, why everyone is so fed up with me, or us. We drink and smoke together, and fight constantly. He doesn’t…
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H. Seitz
June 24, 2017
Fiction
Chonken 55, Kentucky Fried Chicken, KFC
Paul sat hunched over a microscope, he was examining a sampling of the ants that had recently invaded his apartment. He removed and replaced slide after slide, meticulously examined antennae, eye, segment. After half an hour he admitted he knew nothing about ants. He would be better off taking pictures and posting them online, but how to take a picture of an ant? Would you just zoom in, or would it be better to take a picture through a microscope? Paul realized he knew nothing about taking pictures, he was wasting his time, he always wasted his time like this, he cared enough to wonder and waste time, but not enough to learn. A tapping on his door disrupted his thoughts and the door popped open. “Paul!” Lenny was panting. “Why do you bother knocking if you’re just going to barge in anyway?” Paul tried to remember what he’d been…
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H. Seitz
June 19, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Dead Man on Campus, Jesus Christ, Lucifer, Mark Paul Gosselaar, Matt Damon, Roger Ailes, Satan, Saved By The Bell
Dear Divine Advice, I would like to end my life, but I still want to be allowed into heaven. What exactly constitutes suicide? Blowing my brains out would obviously be suicide, but what about jaywalking or buying a motorcycle and just waiting for the inevitable? If I got so used to jaywalking that I wasn’t even thinking about suicide when I finally got creamed, would that still be suicide? And if it’s all about intent, what about people who attempt suicide and fail? Do they go to hell if they forget to ask for forgiveness before they die naturally, assuming they’ve lived an otherwise decent life? Or what about a fat guy who’s doctor tells him he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop eating pork rinds, but he keeps eating them anyway even though he knows his doctor is probably right? What happens to him when he dies? Last…
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H. Seitz
April 21, 2017
Fiction
9/11 conspiracy, Alex Jones, infowars, truther
Melvin scrolled through his Facebook feed and shook his head. How could people be so blind? He wanted to scream it from the rooftops, but it was difficult to discuss these things person to person. Out in the real world who knows what might happen? And it just didn’t seem polite. He took a deep breath and started to type. He didn’t know it, but the feeling of being heard, of standing up for your beliefs, felt like getting high. The anticipation of attention made him high. He tingled as he typed. 9/11 was an inside job, the Twin Towers were brought down by controlled demolition, it’s obvious to anyone who sees the footage but none of you wants to see! The globalists have you all hypnotized, you believe whatever the mass media feeds you. Wake up! How could people not see the plain truth right in front of their…
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H. Seitz
April 17, 2017
Divine Advice
Environmental Protection Agency, EPA, Scott Pruitt
photo by Gage Skidmore
Dear DA, I have to confess that my faith has been shaken. I don’t trust scientists or the government, but lately I’ve been forced to deal with both. The government people got fed up with me and now I mainly talk with the scientists. It started with these memos and reports they gave me, the information couldn’t possibly be true! They gave me books to help me to understand, but those books might as well have been in Chinese. I ended up with this book titled My First Science Book, and that I could understand, but I still didn’t buy any of it. The book said, among other things, that fish are a kind of animal, and I’m pretty sure the bible says that they aren’t, but these scientists tricked me I think, they pretty much proved to me that fish are animals, I was convinced for a few hours…
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