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Divine Advice For Meghan Markle

March 15, 2021 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , ,

Original photo by Northern Ireland Office (cropped)

Dear Divine Advice, Marrying into British royalty boosted my fame, but it hasn’t paid off like I had hoped when it comes to my movie career. I even had Harry corner Bob Iger at a party and “suggest” he cast me in the next Disney movie, but instead of caving to my husband’s threats, Iger stepped down as CEO. And then Disney went and cast some other woman of color as the live-action Little Mermaid just to spite me. I laid all my cards on the table in my Oprah interview when I accused the royal family of racism, but my phone still isn’t ringing. If identity politics doesn’t get me work, I don’t know what will. I turn 40 in August, and I’m only half black, so my skin won’t stay this nice forever. Please help! Sincerely, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex Dear Meghan, I’m not going to lie to…
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Divine Advice For Donald Trump

July 15, 2019 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear DA, Man. The most dangerous animal. The most dangerous animal of all is a man with nothing to lose. And this is how I’m Making America Great Again. We will be a dangerous nation of men with nothing left to lose. Like Rambo, except robots. I can’t stress this enough: all of the actual fighting will be done by robots. I call them Rambots. They’re good people, these Rambots. Some of them are rapists and murderers, but most of them, I assume, are fine people. Or Rambots. I’ve hunted men before. Or more accurately, the female version of men. I believe the scientific term for them is “bimbos.” And if that’s not politically correct, you can blame it on those creepy egghead scientists. Half of them have never gotten laid in their lives. Probably all of them. They’re too busy looking up at the climate. They wouldn’t know a…
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