Dear Divine Advice,
Marrying into British royalty boosted my fame, but it hasn’t paid off like I had hoped when it comes to my movie career. I even had Harry corner Bob Iger at a party and “suggest” he cast me in the next Disney movie, but instead of caving to my husband’s threats, Iger stepped down as CEO. And then Disney went and cast some other woman of color as the live-action Little Mermaid just to spite me.
I laid all my cards on the table in my Oprah interview when I accused the royal family of racism, but my phone still isn’t ringing. If identity politics doesn’t get me work, I don’t know what will. I turn 40 in August, and I’m only half black, so my skin won’t stay this nice forever. Please help!
Meghan, Duchess of Sussex
I’m not going to lie to you; the race card would have worked for someone more talented, and you’re simply not pretty enough to make it on looks alone. The way I see it, you’ve got two choices: Claim you have some sort of fashionable disability, or gain 300 pounds and claim you’re being body-shamed. When it comes to the former, I have a hard time believing you aren’t at least dyslexic, so I’m pretty sure the public would buy something like that. The question is would that be enough? I say gaining weight is the safer bet, as body image is more of a hot-button issue for actors. Plus, the extra rolls might smooth out some of your wrinkles.
—Jesus Christ of Nazareth
There was one other identity option Jesus forgot to mention: you could get a sex change. Gender reassignment is all the rage these days, but the problem is the public seems to prefer transitions in the other direction. Apparently, going from female to male isn’t sexy enough. Sure, as a man, you wouldn’t have to worry about aging, but the risks outweigh the potential benefits.
Honestly, I don’t understand why you even care about being a movie star when you could easily just coast on your ties to the royal family for the rest of your life. The fact that you’re ostracized is actually a plus because it garners sympathy and makes you everyone’s favorite character. Nobody is surprised that the royals are racist (they practically invented the African slave trade), and the more racist they are, the more popular you’ll be. Play your cards right, and you’ll get to play yourself in the film adaptation of the Meghan and Harry story. Have your husband start making calls, though, because time is of the essence. If you don’t do the movie within the next five months, you’ll be too old for the part and they’ll have to cast Halle Bailey.
—Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness
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