Tag Archive: Thanos
The Skull Island Times > Thanos
H. Seitz
November 4, 2019
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dick Van Dyke, Eddie Furlong, James Cameron, Leslie Hamilton, Linda Hamilton, Mary Poppins, Star Wars, Thanos, The Lost City of Z, The Terminator, The Titanic, Trump
Dear DA, Does anyone actually give a shit about Terminator movies anymore? I get what they’re trying to do by hauling my withered old carcass front and center. I’m one of the OG “empowered” females. Nevermind that in Terminator 2 I was basically a demented gun nut with PTSD who had abandoned her child. I could have pretended to be sane and kept him, but my character was legitimately crazy by any metric. Even if there really were killer robots from the future, would you trust a woman like that to raise a child? Something about her screams “Trump supporter.” No one cares about the Star Wars movies either. I predict this Terminator movie, Star Wars 9 (9!), and the Avatar sequels are all going to suck. We’ve reached a point as a society where we have nothing new left to offer. We’re emotionally and culturally bankrupt. Movie plots are…
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H. Seitz
June 3, 2019
Divine Advice
Albert Einstein, Anton LaVey, Betty White, Bram Stoker, Cheerios, David Hasselhoff, J.K. Rowling, Jason Momoa, Jean Grey, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Jon Bon Jovi, Lady Gaga, Magneto, Micro Machines, Passion story, Plastic Man, Reader's Digest, Rocky, Satan, Shakespeare, Storm, Sylvester Stallone, Terry Bradshaw, Thanos, The Satanic Bible, Thor
Dear DA, Have you seen my new commercial ? It’s for a bathtub that has a door in the side like a submarine so you can waltz right in like a sea captain, and there’s a built in chair and a cup holder, too! The thing is amazing, and it isn’t just for old people. If you’re obese, paraplegic, or just good old-fashioned lazy, it’s the tub for you. I like to soak in there with the latest issue of the Reader’s Digest. The quotable quotes are my favorite. It’s like a paper version of a listicle. Here’s one from bestselling author J.K. Rowling. Anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve. Well I’ll be a mutherfucker. If only I had known. And check this one out from hard rocker Jon Bon Jovi. Success is falling nine times and getting up ten. That’s good enough to be in a Rocky…
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H. Seitz
December 10, 2018
Divine Advice
Ariana Grande, Elf, Ewan McGregor, Katy Perry, Keisha, Kevin Spacey, New Girl, Obi Wan Kenobi, Russell Brand, Thanos, The Phantom Menace, Zooey Deschanel
Dear DA, I started out as a blow-up sex doll my father bought from a little porn shop in Santa Barbara, but I prayed really hard and a magic fairy turned me into a real little girl. This made things really awkward for my family, especially my dad. They’re all like super religious, but like most religious people, they’re also enormous hypocrites, so everything worked out alright in the end. At least until now. No one cares about Katy Perry anymore. I was worried about those Japanese sex robots. You know how the Japanese love karaoke? It’s only a matter of time before they build a karaoke machine into a sex robot and BAM!–you basically have Katy Perry or Keisha or any of us really. But it turns out I’m already obsolete. I guess I should be grateful I made it as long as I did. I am 34, which…
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H. Seitz
July 17, 2018
Movies and Television, Reviews
Alyssa Milano, Charmed, Chewbacca, Clash of the Titans, Ivan Drago, Rocky Balboa, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Stygian witches, Thanos
Charmed 2018 TV-MA Imagine the original Charmed minus the hot women and exposed midriffs and voila: you have Charmed, a reboot so uninspired it doesn’t even have a colon followed by a description like Charmed: We’re Out of Ideas or Charmed: That Show Your Ex-Girlfriend Used to Make You Watch. They made one of the witches a lesbian activist this time because nowadays, everyone is a lesbian. Thanos is a lesbian, Chewbacca is a lesbian, even Rocky Balboa is somehow a lesbian (Ivan Drago was always a lesbian). If you don’t have bare midriffs or Alyssa Milano, you have to have lesbians so they can make out with each other. And in 2018, forcing young girls to make out on camera is considered to be empoweringly titillating, rather than exploitative. Watching Charmed, I became nostalgic for the blind Stygian witches in Clash of the Titans and the three batty witches…
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