Tag Archive: Donald Trump
The Skull Island Times > Donald Trump
H. Seitz
January 28, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Amazon, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warrem, Hillary Clinton, Jeff Besos, Jesus, Jill Stein, Koch Brothers, Satan, Viagra
Dear DA, I’m considering running for president, and this time, I think I can win. I may look like an old man on the outside, but I’m still as sharp as a tack. Lurking within my battered frame is the spunk of a hot latina lesbian woman who just found out her grandma’s homemade salsa is nothing but Old El Paso with a little bit of ketchup added in. I’ve been duped! We’ve all been duped! Can you believe this wall nonsense? I’ve always considered myself to be an honorable Jew, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Walls are bad news. Ask the East Germans, or the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. Is this really the look we’re going for? I’ve noticed that hot latina lesbians are trending lately. Yes, I know how to find out about what’s trending on the interweb. I keep up with the social media…
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H. Seitz
January 14, 2019
Divine Advice
Batman, Bob Backlund, California Raisins, Country Time Buffet, Donald Trump, GNC, Gold's Gym, Hulk Hogan, Jesus Christ, John Cena, Pat Patterson, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Satan, Slim Jim, Stephanie McMahon, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Devil, The Rock, The Ultimate Warrior, Triple H, Vince McMahon, Wrestlemania
Dear DA, You heard it here first. I, Vince McMahon, am running for President of the United States of America. Once Trump won, he showed crazy, rich, unqualified white guys everywhere that our dreams can come true, too. I’m just like Donald Trump, only younger, stronger, and more well-muscled. I may not be the president this country needs, but I’m the one it deserves. I even had my daughter abducted once. I’ve accomplished a lot in my life. I can bench press 450 pounds, I once ate 14 pounds of rotisserie chicken at the Country Time Buffet, and a for a few months in 2004, I was Batman. Every billionaire tries to be Batman at least once. Even Bill Gates tried it. Physically, he was pitiful, but he more than made up for it in sheer evil. If it wasn’t for Windows, we’d have a colony on Mars by now.…
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H. Seitz
December 7, 2018
Horoscopes
Ariana Grande, Aries, Barack Obama, Beyonce, Cancer, Capricorn, Charles Manson, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Ed Gein, Elvis Presley, Gemini, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica ALba, John Wayne Gacy, Kayne West, Leo, Libra, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep, Muhammad Ali, Neve Campbell, Pancreatic, Pol Pot, Rosa Parks, Sagittarius, Saoirse Ronan, Scorpio, Shakira, Taurus, Taylor Swift, Ted Bundy, Virgo
Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project. Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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H. Seitz
November 26, 2018
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, Ivanka Trump, Saoirse Ronan, Sofía Vergara, Steve Buscemi, Tiffany Trump, Tom Hiddleston
Dear DA, The world is a sad, angry, and depressing place. It’s always been this way, but social media has made us 1000 times more aware of it. Occurrences that we might have barely heard about in the 80s or missed entirely are now instantly everywhere all the time. It’s inescapable. You can get off Facebook and Twitter and throw your phone into a volcano, then join the Merchant Marines and go AWOL on the most remote frozen wasteland known to man, and the first Eskimo you run into will ask you what you think about Donald Trump deporting the WNBA, and then tell you you’re a racist for not referring to him as an Inuit. You have to get woke, man! It’s all about girl power and female empowerment and rebooting Friends with Torres Strait Islanders who are lesbians. Torres Strait Islanders are the indigenous people of Australia. Don’t…
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Dennis Jenkins
October 29, 2018
Divine Advice
Bill Clinton, Brookstone, Catherine the Great, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Satan, The Devil
Dear Divine Advice, Is it possible that this is the first time I’ve ever written in? I know that my name pops up a lot in your columns, mostly because of the fact that my husband and I are revolting people. We don’t have to go through the list (it’s extensive), but I get it, we really are awful. So, I have a confession to make. Even after losing the Presidential race a couple of years back, I still want to get into the Oval Office. A lot of people assume it’s because I am a power craving egomaniac, which is true, but….here it is, I really just want to fuck a horse. Catherine the Great has always been a great source of inspiration to me, and I’ve always associated great political power with Horse fucking. It’s a little-known secret that every U.S. President …yes, every one, fucks a horse…
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H. Seitz
October 22, 2018
Divine Advice
Bio Dome, Brett Kavanaugh, Charles Nelson Reilly, Christine Blasey Ford, Clarence Thomas, Donald Trump, Donna Rice, HBO, Hitler, human centipede, Jesus Christ, Lindsey Graham, Milo Yiannopoulos, Porky Pig, Ronald McDonald, Rose McGowan, Satan, Scott Baio, Stephen Baldwin, Supreme Court, Zac Efron
Dear DA, I always thought those crazy SJWs screaming that America is a patriarchy were out of their minds, but now, I’m not so sure. Take me for example. 20 million people watched my hearing on TV. I lied, I was histrionic, I was basically obviously full of shit. And I’m in. And the same thing happened to Clarence Thomas. At least for the presidency, or at least until Trump, any little thing might have been enough to sink you. Like Donna Rice sitting on your lap or some nonsense about swift boats. It didn’t even have to be true. Maybe they were a little too fussy back then, but nowadays, we’ve gone too far, and I’m saying this as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America. When will this nonsense end? Trump could nominate Ronald McDonald to run the Food and Drug Administration…
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H. Seitz
August 27, 2018
Divine Advice
Aziz Ansari, capoeira, Donald Trump, Dustin Hoffman, George H. W. Bush, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Keanu Reeves, Lazarus, Marvel, Meet The Fockers, Morgan Freeman, Old Testament, Robert De Niro, Satan, The Devil, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
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H. Seitz
July 30, 2018
Divine Advice
Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Ivanka Trump, MAGA hat, Robert Mueller
Dear DA, I’m a private man, so it troubles me to ask this, but I really need some advice. As you’re probably aware, I’ve been investigating Donald Trump for a little over a year. I’ve already gotten plenty of dirt on him, and I keep finding more. So I can’t blame the guy for getting a little twitchy. Long story short: last night, the doorbell rings and Ivanka is standing there in nothing but a bathrobe and a red MAGA hat. The hat has one of those little cameras built into it, and she’s wearing an earpiece. I invite her in and I hear Trump’s voice coming from the earpiece, telling her to take it off, so she takes off the bathrobe. I tell her she might as well get dressed and take off the hat, as I know what she’s up to and my wife is in the next…
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H. Seitz
July 23, 2018
Divine Advice
Ajit Pai, Breach, Chris Cooper, Cold War, Donald Trump, Hitler, Jesus, John Schnatter, Robert Hanssen, Russia, Satin, Soviet Union, Stalin, Stephen Baldwin, Vladimir Putin
Dear DA, In Soviet Union, official policy is we do not believe in the God and the Satan. And yes, is still Soviet Union. But I ask because I believe advice is good. Maybe I consider invading Ukraine and dog’s bark sounds like “Ukraine!”, so I attack. If advice good, is good, whether come from mouth of dog or chicken. My great joy in Soviet Union is breaking horse. The moment when horse finally breaks, it gives me, how you say? Multiple orgasm. Is like woman, yes? No means yes. I look forward to breaking Trump, I savor the anticipation of his limp body when he finally submits. But he cheats me. He breaks too easy. Now I need new horse to conquer. Perhaps Eastern Europe? Was next on list after Trump, but I did not expect to be horny again so soon. I Must Break You, Vladimir Putin President…
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H. Seitz
June 25, 2018
Divine Advice
Chicxulub crater, Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions, Jesus, Old Testament, Satan, The Donald
Dear Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior and Satan His evil but necessary counterpart, I’m starting to think we bet on the wrong horse. The problem with this latest kids in cages debacle is that we put little kids into cages. The demented harpies who voted for Trump aren’t going to stand for this, seeing little kids suffering makes them weak in the ovaries. And Trump saying it’s the Democrats fault, and then saying an executive order wouldn’t be enough, and then saying congress had to do it, and then caving and signing an executive order anyway. This is a lot to swallow even for a Trump supporter. We’d need a miracle to survive the midterms after this. Or a deal with the Devil. Either way, as long as we Make America Great Again or accomplish whatever the hell it is we’re supposedly doing. We’re a bit short on souls,…
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