Tag Archive: Arnold Schwarzenegger
The Skull Island Times > Arnold Schwarzenegger
Ryan Klemek
August 30, 2021
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Around the World in 80Days, Gavin Newsom, Halle Berry, Jackie Chan, John Wick, Kamala Harris, Larry Elder, qanon, Ron DeSantis, Steve Coogan
Dear Divine Advice, Apparently, there’s a law in California where the 20 or 30 dumbest assholes in the state can get together on a whim and decide to remove the Governor for, really, any ridiculous reason at all. In this case, it’s because they don’t feel like following public health guidelines that have been gently enforced to keep Californians safe during a deadly pandemic. Remember watching Arnold Schwarzenegger hang out in an opium den with Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan in that shitty Around the World in 80 Days movie and thinking “damn, that meathead is the Governor of California?” Well, that’s about to happen again, only it’s going to be a lot worse this time. At least Arnold wasn’t a QAnon nutjob. Larry Elder, the asshat leading in the poles to replace me, is basically Black Alex Jones. A Democrat as handsome and charming as I am shouldn’t be…
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H. Seitz
October 26, 2020
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Avatar, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, James Cameron, Jesus, Lex Fridman, Satan, The Terminator, Total Recall
Dear DA, You’d think I’d be at the level of a Bond villain by now, cackling maniacally from my sinister lair, but in reality, I’ve kind of fallen into a rut. It’s not just NASA, the damn Russians are even worse. There’s simply too much emphasis on bringing people home alive. What’s so great about home? Or for that matter, being “alive.” Do you feel alive right now with all of that paperwork in front of you? I certainly don’t. I’m ready to go to Mars right this second. That crazy man who tied balloons to his lawn chair? That man is a hero. A goddamn hero. It had to be done (it had to!), and he did it. How can I convince these eggheads that to make an omelet, you have to be willing to sacrifice hundreds or thousands or millions of lives? And there are plenty of people…
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H. Seitz
November 11, 2019
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dana Carvey, Danny DeVito, Hanz and Franz, Jesus Christ, Kevin Nealon, Killing Gunther, Mackenzie Davis, Maria Shriver, Santa Claus, Satan, Saturday Night Live, Terminator Dark Fate, The Devil, The Expendables 4, Twins
Dear DA, I can not believe it that the Terminator Dark Fate can not make any of the money even with me as the Terminator. Maybe it is too sad for the people to see the terminator old and flabby and it is foolish to make the Mackenzie Davis into the teenage boy when she is so much better dressed as the female. The Expendables 4 will make even less of the money because Danny DeVito is my twin and the villain. Do communion wafers have a lot of carbs? I want to accept Jesus Christ into my heart but am afraid of the carbs. What do you do for other people with dietary restrictions? I see on the internet there are vegan communion wafers, but they are $14 for a small box. Wouldn’t it be better to give that money to the homeless? Or take them to see the…
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H. Seitz
November 4, 2019
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dick Van Dyke, Eddie Furlong, James Cameron, Leslie Hamilton, Linda Hamilton, Mary Poppins, Star Wars, Thanos, The Lost City of Z, The Terminator, The Titanic, Trump
Dear DA, Does anyone actually give a shit about Terminator movies anymore? I get what they’re trying to do by hauling my withered old carcass front and center. I’m one of the OG “empowered” females. Nevermind that in Terminator 2 I was basically a demented gun nut with PTSD who had abandoned her child. I could have pretended to be sane and kept him, but my character was legitimately crazy by any metric. Even if there really were killer robots from the future, would you trust a woman like that to raise a child? Something about her screams “Trump supporter.” No one cares about the Star Wars movies either. I predict this Terminator movie, Star Wars 9 (9!), and the Avatar sequels are all going to suck. We’ve reached a point as a society where we have nothing new left to offer. We’re emotionally and culturally bankrupt. Movie plots are…
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H. Seitz
September 30, 2019
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlize Theron, Greta Garbo, Greta Thunberg, Jesus, Satan, Swedish Bikini Team, The Devil
Dear DA, People are calling me a privileged, brainwashed, hypocrite who’s not as sciency as she pretends to be because of my irrational opposition to nuclear power. It really is kind of ridiculous when you think about it. We’ve had this safe, clean, almost magical source of power since like forever and we’d rather go back to windmills because we’re idiots. I’m also a vegan, which automatically makes me even more annoying. Yes, I’m a privileged hypocrite, and like most teenagers, I’m dramatic, idealistic, and you just want to slap me and I probably deserve it. But since I have this privilege, shouldn’t I use it? Anthropogenic climate change is a real problem and most adults don’t care because they figure they’ll be dead by then anyway or have their souls uploaded into the cloud and then downloaded back into Japanese sex robots. My generation is going to have to…
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H. Seitz
December 6, 2018
Lifestyles
Alfred E. Newman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Born on the Fourth of July, Bridget Nielsen, Burt Reynolds, Cocktail, Days of Thunder, Far and Away, Frankenstein, Interview With a Vampire, Jackie Chan, Jerry MaGuire, Johnny Depp, Katie Holmes, Quaker Oats, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Rochard Grieco, Rocky, Scientology, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Sylvester Stallone, The Outsiders, Tom Cruise, Tom Selleck, Top Gun, Tropic Thunder, Wilford Brimley
Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
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H. Seitz
August 6, 2018
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Jack Sparrow, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Kurt Cobain, Pirate of the Caribbean, Rube Goldberg, Satan, Sylvester Stallone, The Devil, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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H. Seitz
April 2, 2018
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Attack of the Clones, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Child's Play, Chucky, Ewan McGregor, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Matt Damon, Obi Wan Kenobi, Revenge of the Sith, Satan, Star Wars, Stuck On You, The Phantom Menace, We Bought a Zoo
Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
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