Tag Archive: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
The Skull Island Times > Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
H. Seitz
September 23, 2022
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Bob Saget, Candice Cameron Bure, Cobra Kai, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Fuller House, Jesus, Kirk Cameron, MAGA, Norm MacDonald, Only Murders in the Building, Satan, Selena Gomez, Super Bowl, The Orville, The Other Guys, Tom Brady, World Series, Yankees
Hi guys, I’m technically a Catholic, but not a practicing one. I’ve committed the sin of using birth control thousands of times, including premarital sex, and I’m also superstitious. I’ve invoked the ghost of Babe Ruth several times, which is technically worshiping a false idol, and that alone is enough to get me crucified, but am I really such a bad guy? No disrespect intended, but I’m a mere mortal, and I came through in the clutch when it mattered the most, and you guys–well, to put it politely, haven’t. I’m more of an old-school player, but stats can be useful, and based on the stats, I wouldn’t trust either of you in a high-pressure situation. For supposedly all-powerful phantoms, you guys are kind of lousy and indifferent. I just don’t think you have the competitive drive to win a World Series, let alone save the world, and the numbers…
Read more
H. Seitz
September 13, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Irene, AOC, Ben Shapiro, Chuck E. Cheese, Gattaca, Jim Carrey, Lollipop Guild, Me, Myself, Nancy Pelosi, Space Mountain
Dear DA, I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you! It’s recently come out that I’m only five feet tall. You’d probably think I was kidding, but you made me. Being a man this short is worse than the Holocaust. The last time I went out jogging alone, a cop stuck me on a school bus and the kids beat me up. Whenever I try to buy beer, the shopkeepers just laugh at me. I am 37 years old! A grown man, a big boy! Even with lifts, I top out at 5’3”. Maybe I went too far claiming I was 5’9”, but people lie about their height all the time, and if you’re going to tell a lie, go big or go home. My wife was carrying me home from Sabbath last weekend (my little legs get tired) and told me not to worry about…
Read more
H. Seitz
August 23, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Jesus, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Mary, Satan, Ted Cruz
Dear DA, Remember Marjorie Taylor Greene yelling at me as she followed me down the hallway? I had tried to bond with her as a woman by talking about The Handmaid’s Tale. Surprise, surprise, she had never read it. She even chastised me for reading anything other than the holy scriptures. I asked her if she read the bills presented before congress and she looked at me like she was baffled. But she had seen the show, and she thought it was real–like it was actually happening in America. At this point, who knows? Maybe she’s right. Still, she shook her head, and I thought we had finally found some common ground. In case you don’t know, the book and the show are about a government of religious zealots who oppress women through constant abuse, defilement, and rape. Marjorie told me she liked the show, but that the government of…
Read more
H. Seitz
July 26, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Amy Adams, AOC, Batman, Diane Lane, Dick Grayson, Jeff Bezos, Jessica Rabbit, JFK, Kryptonite, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson, Nightwing, Robin, Superman, Vladimir Putin
Dear DA, Lately, I’ve been having serious doubts about my decision-making skills. I have good intentions, but maybe they do pave the road to hell. I adopt street urchins and orphans, which is good, right? Then I train them to live a life 1000 times more dangerous than being a street urchin. And for some reason, I built a fucking Batcave on the moon. Do you have any idea of how much that cost, and not just in money, but in human lives? Maybe I should have given that money to the Gotham Police Department instead and founded Bat Soup Kitchens and Homeless Shelters. I could have provided everyone in America with free Bat Healthcare, but instead, I needed a Batcave on the moon, for “reasons.” And the Bat Space Shuttle, and the flying Batcave, and all this other ridiculous crap. I spent $5,000,000 last year on bat-shaped throwing stars.…
Read more
H. Seitz
April 19, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Antonin Scalia, AOC, Capitol Riots, Chuck Schumer, Damn Yankees, George Washington, Hinduism, Iced Earth, John Wayne, Jon Shaeffer, Nancy Pelosi, Shiva, Strom Thurmond, Ted Nugent, The Duke, Thomas Jefferson
Dear DA, Jon Shaeffer, the frontman of the band Iced Earth, is the first to plead guilty to the Capital Riots. He’s also in the far-right group Oath Keeper, which honestly, I’ve never even heard of before. Have I lost a step? And please, be honest with me. I can’t help thinking that if this had happened 10 years ago, it would have been me pleading guilty to the Capital Riots. I blame the Damn Yankees. We’ve all gone broke and have been practicing for our “big comeback.” If I wasn’t so busy with those idiots and my stupid guitars, it would have been me at that riot, and that would have done more for my record sales than any pathetic Damn Yankees reunion. Does anyone even know more than one song by us? What I find the most troubling is that if I was off about this, maybe I’ve…
Read more
H. Seitz
March 22, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, CrossFit, Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Playboy, qanon
Photo credit: marjorietaylorgreene.com
Dear DA, I know a lot of people are trying to cancel me right now, but aren’t we all forgetting about the most fundamental American rights we have? We each have the right to be stupid, hateful, bigoted buffoons. This is what made America great, and what will make America great again. You can’t cancel someone for being a wall-eyed moron. You’d have to cancel over half of the people on earth. What the libtards call bigotry I call loyalty to my people, the real Americans who are white, go to church, and repress their homosexual urges. The way I was raised, if you were born an asymmetrical doofus, you learned to live with it. You didn’t try to do a bunch of fancy book learning just so you could use a slightly cleaner bathroom. I know Jesus has got my warped back on this one. So thank you in…
Read more
H. Seitz
March 8, 2021
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Etch-A-Sketch, G.I. Joe, Jesus Christ, Karl Marx, NASCAR, Pornhub, Satan
Dear DA, Why did you create me? Did you set everything in motion with the big bang, and then just sit back as everything unfolded, or are you actively involved in everything? Assuming you did actively create me, I think you might have made a terrible mistake. I’m just going to keep mutating and getting worse forever. There are already at least 14 different new strains of me, but I guess calling me COVID-33 now would be just too depressing, and we’ll get there soon enough anyway. I understand that there are just too many damn people, but you’ve basically turned the entire world into purgatory. The guy I’m infecting now, the poor bastard hasn’t really left his apartment in a year. He hasn’t kissed a girl in at least a year (but I’m guessing it’s probably been much longer–not everything is my fault). He just mopes around all day,…
Read more
H. Seitz
January 18, 2021
Divine Advice
30 Rock, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Jesus, Sarah Palin, Satan, Tina Fey
Dear DA, This pandemic has been rough on everyone, and I know that I’ve had it relatively easy with my mansions and wealth and indoor Rascal scooters. This is actually a part of the problem. I’ve gained a little weight over the winter, which is normal, especially during a year like this, but by a little I mean 150 lbs. I knew I was eating more than usual, and mainly comfort food like ice cream and pork rinds. Honestly, I’ve been topping the ice cream with pork rinds that I refry in butter. I know it sounds disgusting, and it is, but it’s the kind of thing you hate yourself for eating, which makes you want to eat it even more. There’s also my cheese problem. I can’t stop eating cheese. I keep a chunk on my nightstand. Gnawing on it is the last thing I do before sleeping and…
Read more
H. Seitz
December 14, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Barack Obama, Donald Trump, Jesus, Richard NIxon, Satan, The Squad, William Henry Harrison
Dear DA, Recently, the “Squad” and I got criticized for arguing with Obama over defunding the police. They said we, and especially me, were ranting and raving at him like a bunch of deranged harpies. All I said was that people in poor neighborhoods had been complaining about this for years, and no one listened until the word “defund” came into play. I like Obama, and he didn’t have a problem with the discussion or criticism. He used to ask for it. But the Trump supporters did. Anyway, he grew up in Hawai’i, or according to them, Kenya, and I lived in the Bronx. A relatively nice part of the Bronx, but still the Bronx. It’s the part of NYC most people only visit to watch the Yankees, and they generally stay within one block of the stadium. Because the cops care about the Yankees. As far as the rest…
Read more
H. Seitz
December 7, 2020
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Amber Heard, AOC, Blake Lively, Chelsea Clinton, Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., Eric Trump, Hitler, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner
Dear DA, Generic blondes? You’d kill 100 people to get any one of our “generic” blonde asses. Jesus, I know people in your time were filthy and short, so I’m probably way too tall for you. And clean. And luscious. Unlike most people, I don’t have a soul, so you have no leverage over me, and I will be president in 2024. Think about the average American, then think about me and Kamala Harris, and do the math. I’m Hitler’s wet dream. A proud, beautiful Aryan woman. And as great as my dad was, I’m smarter than him, and he’s a premature ejaculator. Even me vs AOC. She’s got a great rack, and I would do her, but me vs her? America likes “generic” blondes. For a couple of single guys, you are incredibly arrogant. So you wouldn’t want to fuck Blake Lively? Or Amber Heard? They could commit genocide,…
Read more
