Divine Advice
The Skull Island Times > Divine Advice
RK Galaga
February 14, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, Last night, I had a crazy dream, and I’m hoping you might help me figure out what it means. It started with me on a date with Zombie Mother Teresa. We were watching Driving Miss Daisy in the local movie house, and at some point we both reached into the popcorn bucket at the same time. Our hands touched, and suddenly we were both overcome with lust. I looked into her milky pupil-less eyes, and the next thing I know, we’re naked on the sticky floor, fucking like a couple of wild dogs. Then the guy in the row in front of us turns around, and I see that it’s Pope Francis. Embarrassed, I immediately stop thrusting and pull out of Zombie Mother Teresa. But then realize that the Pope is actually smiling at us. He stands up and I see that he, too, is naked, with…
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H. Seitz
February 7, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I just started watching The Americans and I love it, but Felicity really scares me nowadays. Why is she so angry and violent? Does it have anything to do with Ben? And did that stuff really happen with Russia, was the Soviet Union an actual thing? It seems like if the Soviet Union was really like that, Ben and Felicity would have gotten really fat after moving to America, like those Eastern European hockey players who defected in the 70s.I tried to ask my husband about this and he just looked at me like I was crazy. What should I do? And why did Felicity cut her hair? Is that why she’s been away for so long? Sincerely, Nancy Pelosi Dear Nancy Pelosi, I have to be honest, you seem like a real bitch. Those Eastern European hockey players that defected in the 70’s you mentioned are…
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RK Galaga
November 30, 2016
Divine Advice
MILF
Image by Illusive Photography, www.flickr.com/photos/alanant
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m a freshman over at Barrington High and recently I did something I’m not too proud of—I accidentally got my best friend Tommy’s mom arrested by telling all the other guys at school that she had sex with me. I know it was wrong, but Mrs. Butterfield is really hot, and you should have seen how impressed the guys were. Except for Tommy, of course. Anyway, I had many chances to come clean, but once the police got involved, it became harder and harder to tell the truth. Thankfully there’s no physical evidence to put her in jail, but now Child Protective Services is watching Tommy’s house just in case. I feel really bad about this. Mrs. Butterfield is a great mom, raising Tommy all by herself ever since Tommy’s dad was run over by that steamroller a few years. I don’t want Tommy to end…
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RK Galaga
October 24, 2016
Divine Advice
George Clooney
Image By Trevor Butcher
Dear Jesus and Satan, I’ve been married to the same man for 9 years, and for the most part, it’s been great. He always holds the door for me when I’m carrying groceries into the house, he always puts the toilet seat down, he tells me I’m beautiful at least 3 times a month—basically everything a wife could ask for in a husband. Physically, though, he’s been letting himself go. While I’ve held up my end by spending hours at the gym, getting Botox, fake tits and ab implants, he’s gained 60 lbs, lost his hair and stopped shaving regularly. Until recently, I’ve managed to be OK with this, mainly by relying on my rich imagination (I close my eyes and pretend he’s George Clooney while we’re having sex). Lately however, I’ve been having these disturbingly violent thoughts. I’ll look at Ted while he’s on the couch playing Halo (which…
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H. Seitz
October 12, 2016
Divine Advice
Photo by Kai, Outfit by Maddy Joy Cosplay
Dear Divine Advice, My cat Lucy lost her collar while she was out, and now she looks naked to me. I already have a strong emotional attachment to Lucy, and while I’m not sexually attracted to her per say, I am very lonely, and ever since she lost her collar I can’t help thinking to myself about how ladylike she looks.when she’s licking herself or strutting about. What would Donald Trump do in my situation, and based on that, should I vote for Donald Trump? Please help me! Sincerely, The Catman Dear Catman, What Donald Trump would do in this situation should be pretty obvious to anyone who has been following the news lately. That said, what you should really be asking yourself is “what would Jesus do?” In this case, I can tell you exactly what I’d do—I’d flog myself. In my day, there were always plenty of Roman…
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H. Seitz
October 5, 2016
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I suspected that my 15 year old son Rob had started smoking pot, so I looked through his phone while he was in the shower. I found a video in his Dropbox of him and a girl doing bong hits and having sex. The girl, whoever she is, looks exactly like a younger version of my wife, which I found disturbing but also kind of arousing. I started masterbating and Rob almost caught me when he barged into the den looking for his phone. He saw me masterbating, but not what I was materbating to or that I had his phone. So my question is this: how do you delete the browsing history on Safari? The phone is an iphone 6 and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m a PC person and have never had to deal with Safari before. . Thanks, —Stereotypical Tech Illiterate…
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H. Seitz
September 24, 2016
Divine Advice
Jesus, Satan
Dear Divine Advice, This is kind of embarrassing, but here goes. I work as an enforcer for a major east coast drug syndicate. I was running late and I wasn’t paying attention to the road as much as I should have been. Long story short: I killed an innocent woman on my way to work. Being who I am and knowing what I know, I ‘took care’ of the body. I just don’t need that kind of attention in my life. Hitting her with my car was an accident, but to tell the honest truth, she wasn’t completely dead after that, so I kind of helped her along. My questions are as follows: is this murder? I’m pretty sure she would’ve died anyway, her body was pretty mangled. Put it this way: if she was a horse or a dog, any decent vet or trainer would have put her down,…
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RK Galaga
September 18, 2016
Divine Advice
Kevin James, Stephanie Anna Marie Zantua
Those juicy melons were jiggling in such a way that it appeared as though they were about to bounce right out of her bra and make a break for it. Dear Jesus and Satan, I’ve got a major problem here. Last night at a parent-teacher conference, I accidentally fell in love with my kid’s math teacher and grabbed her tits. Not exactly in that order, but both of those things happened. To be honest, I’m not really sure what came over me. I was sitting across from Miss Allison at her desk as she was beaming about how my son was by far the brightest kid in her class, and the whole time, I just couldn’t stop staring at her cleavage. Her face is pretty, too—nice milky skin, bright red hair, nearly symmetrical eyes, full lips and nerdy hipster glasses. Because she was giving me good news about my kid,…
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RK Galaga
July 25, 2016
Divine Advice
Jesus, Lucifer, Paris Hilton
The last time I fell in love, I made a ring out of aluminum foil, introduced myself to the young lass, and handed it to her. The woman’s name was Paris Hilton. She laughed, so I am certain she was joyous. Two men in black strong-armed me out of there, and I am not certain why they wish to bar me from my romance with this fine young lady. I’m worried that my love is being held captive by these guys, and so my next move is to infiltrate her mansion and make love to her by dark of night. However, the fence is electrified, and the invisibility cloak that I received from hogwartsfans.com doesn’t seem to be working. I’m going to have to rob a bank before I can buy a plane ticket to Los Angeles. However, by searching for her on the internet, I discovered Ms. Hilton is…
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