Divine Advice
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RK Galaga
August 14, 2017
Divine Advice
American Pie, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Dennis Rodman, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Jesus, Kim Jong-un, Lucifer, North Korea, Putin, Stifler, Stifler's Mom
Dear Divine Advice, I woke up this morning covered in my own jizz after having an erotic dream about Hillary Clinton. In the dream, she was pegging me with a strap-on while the ghosts of my dad and that uncle I murdered were watching and throwing popcorn at us. What do you guys think this means? I know Hillary isn’t even the ruler of America, so she’s unworthy of my affections, but I can’t stop thinking about her. Sincerely, Kim Jong-un Dear Kim Jong-un, I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but I think you might be barking up the wrong tree on this one. Ask her husband Bill—Hillary bats for the other team. The good news is her daughter Chelsea is straight. Sure, Chelsea’s face looks like it’s made of plastic fruit, but otherwise, she’s the spitting image of her mother. The best part is, she owns a…
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RK Galaga
August 7, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, John Travolta, Lucifer
I am very upset and frustrated! For some reason, there have been a lot of rumors circulating around Hollywood that I am gay. I just don’t get it! I’m as Hetero as they come! First, let me say how much I respect ALL people, but especially those who are in the LGBTQ community. In fact, I have a ton of Gay friends, like my dear friend, John Travolta. John and I spend a lot of time together, and while he is definitely gay, I can assure you that I am not. Seriously, though, why are there so many gay rumors about me? Am I being gay when John Travolta and I engage in anal sex? Of course not! That’s just a couple of buddies “horsin around”. Was I being gay the time that I gave John Travolta a blow job and took his balls to my chin so many times…
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RK Galaga
July 24, 2017
Divine Advice
Blanche, Chicago Sun, Chicago Tribune, Ebert, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, God, Golden Girls, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jesus, Lord Xenu, Losin' It, Lucifer, Mona, Motion Picture Association of America, MPAA, Sandy Duncan, Scientology, Shelley Long, Siskel, Spielberg, The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, Tom Cruise, Who's The Boss
Dear Jesus and Satan, It’s me again. I was the one who wrote you a few months back about Mona from Who’s the Boss and Blanche from the Golden Girls. To be honest, I don’t remember your advice, all I know is that I have been feveriously masterbating to the thought of both of them. Honestly, I’m proud of myself….Ive been doing a good job of alternating my fantasies between Mona and Blanche. I thought you’d be proud…I’m rambling. Anyways. I was reading the last entry regarding Tom Cruise, and I have a great idea. Remember when he starred in “Losin It” in 1983? With Shelley Long? Why did Hollywood go away with the loveable concept of young guys who just want to get some? What the Fuck happened? Those movies were all so good? Who’s to blame for this? Is it the Scientologists??? See what I did there? I’m…
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RK Galaga
July 17, 2017
Divine Advice
Battlefield Earth, Beck, Ernie Reyes Jr., Giovanni Ribisi, Heaven's Gate, Jason Lee, Jesus, John Travolta, Martin Luther, Oprah Winfrey, Satan, Scientology, The Mummy, Tom Cruise, Top Gun 2, Xenu
Dear Divine Advice, Ever since I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, the world thinks I’m crazy. Outwardly, I’ve been able to project an image of myself as ultra confident, but the fact is, the things people are saying are really starting to hurt my feelings. I’ve prayed to Xenu many times, and, to be honest, he doesn’t really have anything helpful to say. He keeps telling me to be patient, and everyone will love me again once Top Gun II comes out. But I can’t wait that long. So guys, what can I do? How can I win back the love of the nation? Sincerely, Tom Cruise Really? We’re doing another one about Scientology? Shit. Well, I guess when Tom Cruise writes in, we can’t exactly ignore him. Ok, here goes… Dear Tom Cruise, You’ve come to the right place. Xenu’s not a bad guy, but let’s be…
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H. Seitz
July 10, 2017
Divine Advice
climate change, CNN, Donald Trump, Erin Brockovich, global warming, Jesus, Julia Roberts, Pretty Woman, Richard Gere, Satan
Dear Divine Advice, Global Warming or Climate Change or whatever you want to call it (a turd by any other name is still a turd) is obviously a hoax perpetuated by greedy scientists and China to emasculate coal workers and slander oil companies, companies run and staffed by The Great Americans who make modern life possible. You can’t fertilize oats and barley without gasoline, and no oats and barley would mean no beer and no steak. What are you going to feed a cow, solar panels? And what am I supposed to drink, fucking soy milk? This is ridiculous, I shouldn’t even have to ask, but I need you guys to set the record straight for all those anti-American, anti-cow peaceniks out there. Sincerely, Julia Roberts PS: I also hate Mexicans. Dear Julia Roberts, It sounds to me like you’re still bitter about Kiefer Sutherland cheating on you with that…
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RK Galaga
June 26, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Divine Advice, I was secretly fucking Rebecca Howe all along while they were filming Cheers. I feel guilty because the audience always was rooting for me to fuck her, but I really was the whole time. Hmm, now I’m even more confused. I enjoyed fucking her, so I don’t feel guilty about that, I suppose I feel guilty about not telling the audience. Yes, I feel guilty about that…and I have a feeling that I caused Kirstie Alley to become a Scientologist. More Confused Than Ever, Sam Malone Dear Ted Danson, Your guilt is justified. Not only are you the reason Kirstie Allie became a Scientologist, but you are also the reason she became fat, and the reason Veronica’s Closet was such a shitty show. At this point, there’s only one way you can make this right, and that is to lay your cock out on an anvil and…
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H. Seitz
June 19, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Dead Man on Campus, Jesus Christ, Lucifer, Mark Paul Gosselaar, Matt Damon, Roger Ailes, Satan, Saved By The Bell
Dear Divine Advice, I would like to end my life, but I still want to be allowed into heaven. What exactly constitutes suicide? Blowing my brains out would obviously be suicide, but what about jaywalking or buying a motorcycle and just waiting for the inevitable? If I got so used to jaywalking that I wasn’t even thinking about suicide when I finally got creamed, would that still be suicide? And if it’s all about intent, what about people who attempt suicide and fail? Do they go to hell if they forget to ask for forgiveness before they die naturally, assuming they’ve lived an otherwise decent life? Or what about a fat guy who’s doctor tells him he’s going to die if he doesn’t stop eating pork rinds, but he keeps eating them anyway even though he knows his doctor is probably right? What happens to him when he dies? Last…
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RK Galaga
June 12, 2017
Divine Advice
Dear Jesus and Satan, I decided I want to convert to Scientology. The problem is, I don’t know how I’m going to tell my father. I mean, he’s like the head honcho where I’m from, so this is really going to break his heart. But I recently watched Top Gun, and man, Tom Cruise is so cool in it. And then just the other day he announced that they’re making a sequel! That can’t be a coincidence, right? It HAS to be a sign. Anyway, I feel like my Thetans are out of wack and they need to be fixed or whatever. I really don’t know anything about Scientology, to be honest. I know there are aliens, which is pretty cool. And volcanoes. Also, I’m hoping I’ll get a chance to fuck Kirstie Alley. She’s really sexy, and I’m guessing she’s pretty desperate these days. So yeah, what should I…
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RK Galaga
May 29, 2017
Divine Advice
Who’s hotter? Mona from Who’s the Boss? Or Blanche from The Golden Girls? Why did Hollywood do away with the slutty older woman as a comedic device? Fondly, Deeply Troubled Dear DT, Mona’s hotter, hands down. But I’m going to argue semantics with your premise here a little bit. I would say that, within the context of The Golden Girls, Blanche would not be considered “older.” She was by far the youngest of the main stars of that show, and I think that is why the writers chose to make her the slutty one. Plus, as a Southern Belle with the name “Blanche,” she was clearly supposed to be a reference to Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire. Now, in the play, Blanche is the slutty older sister, a has-been passed her prime, but hardly what you would call “old.” I would also argue that Blanche wasn’t even meant…
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RK Galaga
May 22, 2017
Divine Advice
Bella, Chris Hemsworth, Jesus, Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Rupert Sanders, Satan, Snow White and the Huntsman, Thor
Dear Divine Advice, I’ve done something horrible and I don’t know what to do about it. While working on the forgettable movie Snow White and the Huntsman, I cheated on my boyfriend Robert Pattinson with married director Rupert Sanders. We got drunk and I let him fuck my brains out. It was fun at the time, but afterwards I felt really guilty. I made a public apology to Robert, and he’s agreed to give me one more chance, but I can tell I’ll never fully regain his trust. Also, now I sort of want to fuck Thor, my co-star in Snow White and the Huntsman. I probably shouldn’t, though, right? I mean Thor’s married, too. What do you guys think? Sincerely, Kristen Stewart Dear Bella, Unless you’re a U.S. Congressman, adultery is one of those things I come down pretty hard on. Now I know you and Robert weren’t married,…
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