Dear Jesus and Satan,
I’m a freshman over at Barrington High and recently I did something I’m not too proud of—I accidentally got my best friend Tommy’s mom arrested by telling all the other guys at school that she had sex with me. I know it was wrong, but Mrs. Butterfield is really hot, and you should have seen how impressed the guys were. Except for Tommy, of course. Anyway, I had many chances to come clean, but once the police got involved, it became harder and harder to tell the truth. Thankfully there’s no physical evidence to put her in jail, but now Child Protective Services is watching Tommy’s house just in case. I feel really bad about this. Mrs. Butterfield is a great mom, raising Tommy all by herself ever since Tommy’s dad was run over by that steamroller a few years. I don’t want Tommy to end up in a foster home. What should I do?
—MILF Lover
Dear MILF Lover,
There’s really only one course of action here. It’s time to be a man and tell the truth. After you have informed the proper authorities, you are going to have to apologize to both Tommy and Mrs. Butterfield. This won’t be easy. You will no doubt suffer humiliation that will follow you for the rest of your life. But the good news is this permanent blotch on your reputation will ensure that you remain a virgin forever. Why is this good news? Because sex is naughty if you aren’t married, and believe me, you will NEVER get married. Not after this. Anyway, this life-long chastity sentence is your ticket into Heaven. And since I’m a merciful God, I’m going to throw you a bone here. Henceforth, I promise to look the other way once a month so that you may masturbate without fear of my wrath. But be warned: The very first time you try to sneak in an extra wank session, I will turn your dick into a cobra and command it slither up your ass.
—Jesus Christ, the Light of the World
Dear MILF Lover,
The way I see it, the only way to make things right with the universe is to actually have sex with Mrs. Butterfield, thus magically turning your lie into the truth. Normally, a kid with your looks and personality would be hard-pressed to score with a hottie like that, but she’s really vulnerable right now, and isn’t feeling particularly good about herself. She’s also been hitting the sauce pretty hard, and isn’t thinking too clearly, so if you were ever to have a shot with her, now’s the time. All you have to do is show up to the house with a dozen roses (on a day Tommy has a late soccer practice) and tell her how sorry you are for hurting her. Then maybe give her some bullshit about how shy and awkward you are and how none of the girls your age really understand you. Then tell her about how much you admire her for raising Tommy on her own and how lucky a guy would be to have her even though men rarely want to get involved with a woman in her mid-thirties who has a teenaged son no matter how beautiful she is. Then break the tension with a joke about how funny it would be if you and she really did get together and Tommy became your stepson. At that point you could try putting your arm around her, maybe rubbing her shoulders a little bit. Offer to freshen up her drink if her glass is empty. Now it’s time to casually bring up how you’ve recently been reading the Kama Sutra, but because all the girls in your class are so immature, you haven’t had anyone to practice cunnilingus on. Trust me, the suggestion of cunnilingus will be more enticing than the idea of actually fucking a 14-year-old virgin with low self-esteem who is likely to blow his wad before she even touches his pee-pee. But don’t worry—once she’s warmed up, she’ll gladly take that four inches of yours even if it’s only for 30 seconds. Obviously, this plan will only work if you actually do your homework and read the Kama Sutra before going over to Tommy’s house. So what are you waiting for? Go to your school library and check out a copy of the Kama Sutra! DO IT NOW!
—Satan, the Father of Lies
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