Dear Jesus and Satan,
I’ve been married to the same man for 9 years, and for the most part, it’s been great. He always holds the door for me when I’m carrying groceries into the house, he always puts the toilet seat down, he tells me I’m beautiful at least 3 times a month—basically everything a wife could ask for in a husband. Physically, though, he’s been letting himself go. While I’ve held up my end by spending hours at the gym, getting Botox, fake tits and ab implants, he’s gained 60 lbs, lost his hair and stopped shaving regularly. Until recently, I’ve managed to be OK with this, mainly by relying on my rich imagination (I close my eyes and pretend he’s George Clooney while we’re having sex). Lately however, I’ve been having these disturbingly violent thoughts. I’ll look at Ted while he’s on the couch playing Halo (which he does for hours on end) and sometimes I just want to smash his face in with a shovel. The really alarming thing is, last night I woke up at 4AM holding a shovel right there in the bed with me. When I saw that my husband was alive sleeping peacefully next to me, part of me was disappointed. I have no history of sleepwalking or violence. Still, I’m getting a little concerned that I might do something terrible soon. Any advice on how I can save my marriage and/or avoid committing murder?
Marriage is a sacred institute and divorce is a cardinal sin. Thinking violent thoughts is just thinking, which is still a sin but not nearly as serious. And even if your thoughts lead to violence, we have an old saying in my family, “Better murder than divorce.” You might be able to atone for a crime of passion such as murder or even genocide, but we take things like divorce pretty seriously up here. Come to think of it, vanity is a sin, too. So this situation isn’t really your husband’s fault – it’s yours. I know, I know, what your husband is doing could be considered to be sloth, but that’s not a sin anymore. The PETA people were giving us too much heat over it. Ten Hail Marys, stop using botox and exercising so much and try not to murder your husband. And I can’t stress this strongly enough: No divorce.
—Jesus the Immaculate
Keep going to the gym and keep using botox, You’re fucking hot. It’s the botox that’s driving you crazy, but who cares? When you can’t smile or otherwise move your face, you lose the ability to feel human emotions, but really, honestly, who the hell needs human emotions? Especially if they’re as hot as you are. What good have human emotions ever done anyone? My advice: if you kill the dumb bastard, make sure you get away with it. Instead of trying to get him to lose weight, you should go in the opposite direction. Ted is just a few gallons of Rocky Road away from a massive coronary. Also, he used to smoke, so you should get him smoking again. Tell him at this point, what the hell’s the difference? He’ll listen to you. You’ll find a way to make him listen, you little minx. Give me a call once he’s on ice. And Jesus is right – do not get a divorce. A jury will take one look at the two of you and crucify you. The one downside of not having human emotions is that juries can sometimes sense this. Anyway. Call me.
—Satan the Unholy