Dear Divine Advice,
My cat Lucy lost her collar while she was out, and now she looks naked to me. I already have a strong emotional attachment to Lucy, and while I’m not sexually attracted to her per say, I am very lonely, and ever since she lost her collar I can’t help thinking to myself about how ladylike she looks.when she’s licking herself or strutting about. What would Donald Trump do in my situation, and based on that, should I vote for Donald Trump? Please help me!
What Donald Trump would do in this situation should be pretty obvious to anyone who has been following the news lately. That said, what you should really be asking yourself is “what would Jesus do?” In this case, I can tell you exactly what I’d do—I’d flog myself. In my day, there were always plenty of Roman soldiers on hand to give you a crown of thorns or make you carry a cross if you’d been naughty (or, in my case if you were trying to redeem the sins of all mankind.) Unfortunately, in the modern era, it’s sometimes up to humans to punish themselves. Did you see the movie The DaVinci Code? Of course it was also a book, but the movie was better. Anyway, I basically want you to do to yourself what the Paul Bettany character does in the movie. You’ll know you’re doing it right if your back is covered with welts and your desire to fuck your cat is gone. Another option is to cover your dick with cat food and let Lucy take a big ole’ bite. This will cause you to associate her with pain instead of pleasure. It will also have the happy side effect of making it physically impossible for you to act on your sick lust. Because your dong will have been destroyed.
—Jesus Christ, The Light of the World
First of all, I want to commend you on your bravery for copping to something most people have felt at one time or another, yet are usually too embarrassed to admit. Lust for cats is much more common than you’d think. Now, I’m not recommending that you act on your lust per say because it’s actually dangerous for both you and Lucy. But there are safe and fun ways to scratch this itch of yours. As with most of life’s problems, this one can be solved with hookers. One willing to dress up and act like a cat cost a little extra, but I promise it’ll be worth it. If you were a better-looking guy, I’d suggest just putting an ad on Craigslist looking for like-minded fetishists. But unfortunately, I’ve scoured all the personals and the only cat furry you’d have a shot with lives in Uzbekistan. Anyway, hire a hooker, play out your fantasy, maybe even let Lucy into the room to watch. Afterwards, the three of you can chew on some catnip-stuffed toy mice and take a nap.
—Baalzebub, Lord of the Flies