Dear Divine Advice,
This is kind of embarrassing, but here goes. I work as an enforcer for a major east coast drug syndicate. I was running late and I wasn’t paying attention to the road as much as I should have been. Long story short: I killed an innocent woman on my way to work. Being who I am and knowing what I know, I ‘took care’ of the body. I just don’t need that kind of attention in my life. Hitting her with my car was an accident, but to tell the honest truth, she wasn’t completely dead after that, so I kind of helped her along. My questions are as follows: is this murder? I’m pretty sure she would’ve died anyway, her body was pretty mangled. Put it this way: if she was a horse or a dog, any decent vet or trainer would have put her down, definitely. And if it is murder, what should I do about it? Should I go to the police? I’m only asking because I get the feeling lately that the authorities know all about me and what I do, but tolerate me because the only people I usually kill are directly or tangentially related to the illegal use or distribution of narcotics. There’s a good chance they know about this woman, and I don’t think they’ll stand for this. Any advice?
Dear Distracted Driver,
Short answer: yes, this is murder. But don’t bother with the police. Assuming you’re Christian, this isn’t anything 10 “Our Fathers” won’t absolve you of. Do you know how many mobsters I forgive for “accidentally” killing innocent bystanders every day? Too many, probably, but since I get to make the rules, who’s going to say anything about it? I guess some atheists might have a problem with it, but nobody gives a shit what atheists think. So, yeah, just say those 10 “Our Fathers”—on second thought, better make it 15. Just say 15 “Our Fathers” and we’ll call it even. But please be more careful next time, ok?
Full disclosure—the real reason I’m letting you off so easily is that I happen to think this woman is super attractive, and I’m pretty psyched to have her up here in heaven with me.
—Jesus The Redeemer
Dear Distracted Driver,
Contrary to what the big guy upstairs has lead you to believe, this woman actually wasn’t so innocent. Women that attractive seldom are, but this woman was particularly vile. She happens to be the hedge fund manager responsible for the 2027 financial crash. Er, wait—that hasn’t happened yet. And now, I guess it never will. See? You actually did a good thing. If you ask me, you can skip those “Our Fathers” altogether. You’re a goddam hero, man. In fact, I think you’ve even earned the right to fuck her corpse a few times. The big guy’s up there hanging out with her soul, I doubt he’ll even notice. Besides, necrophilia is a victimless crime.
—Satan, Father of Lies