H. Seitz
December 23, 2019
Divine Advice
Angelina Jolie, Bernie Mac, Bob Iger, Chewbacca, Eddie Murphy, George Lucas, Ghost Rider, J.J. Abrams, Jesus, Jesus Christ Superstar, Lando, Lucasfilm, Mel Gibson, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Nicolas Cage, Rey, Rian Johnson, Satan, Scrooge McDuck, Seth Green, Spielberg, Star Wars, The Devil's Advocate, The Mandalorian, The Passion of the Christ, The Rise of Skywalker, The Ten Commandments, Tomb Raider
Dear DA, A guy sells something for four billion dollars and it’s difficult to have much compassion for him even if he isn’t an asshole, let alone when he bemoans the reality of what he certainly must have seen coming. I sold Star Wars to a rabid, insatiable rodent, so what exactly did I expect? Did I honestly think that they’d follow my creative vision when they gave me four billion dollars specifically so they wouldn’t have to? Believe it or not, I did. That’s just the kind of narcissistic, egomaniac that I am. After all, if Star Wars is a religion (which it most certainly is), I’m the Holy Trinity. When they made The Passion of the Christ, did they shut you out of the creative process? Or just toss the entire bible out the window? Of course not. The Rise of Skywalker is credited to J.J. Abrams, but…
Read more
H. Seitz
December 16, 2019
Divine Advice
Andrew Dice Clay, Babe Ruth, Bernie Sanders, Chinatown, Derek Jeter, Gerrit Cole, Jesus, New York Yankees, Satan
Dear DA, Really this is more for Satan, but maybe Jesus can help me out, too. Who exactly is my boss? The NY Yankees just signed me for 9 years and $324 million. When I asked my former teammates who I should report to, they all told me to go to hell, so I’m assuming Satan is my boss, but I thought he worked for the Yankees, too. Wouldn’t that make him more of a coworker? And not to rub it in or anything, but I seem to remember the Yankees acquiring Satan for two 2nd round picks and a player to be named later, so why would I report to someone who isn’t fit to carry my jockstrap? (Again, no offense.) Maybe you’re the traveling secretary or something? I suppose it’s just another one of the bizarre ironies of a free market economy. I write poetry and take care…
Read more
H. Seitz
December 9, 2019
Divine Advice
Ad Astra, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Edgar Allen Poe, Elon Musk, George Clooney, Jesus Christ, Nespresso, Ocean's Eleven, Satan, The Cask of Amontillado
Dear DA, I wrote in awhile back about my identical twin or clone or whatever he is, and he’s still driving me crazy. He doesn’t understand the world, so when he goes out, he basically makes a fool out of me. He went to a fancy restaurant last week and they let him in because he’s “Brad Pitt.” He started eating food out of the bus buckets, then sat down at an empty table and started eating the leftovers. They took him to a new table and he got angry because there wasn’t any food on it, so he started crying. Then he opened the door to the kitchen and started pissing into it until they grabbed him and brought him into the bathroom. He must have gotten confused in there because I had to go pick him up a few hours later. He wouldn’t come out of a stall,…
Read more
H. Seitz
December 2, 2019
Divine Advice
Ariana Grande, Disney, Jesus, Mickey Mouse, Satan, Starbucks, The Twilight Zone
Dear DA, You ever see the episode of The Twilight Zone where the lady rubs cream on her face that makes her young and beautiful, but every time it wears off, she’s like super old and even uglier, so she has to keep using it like every four hours or something or she’ll turn into a deformed old troll if she stops? Yeah, that. And Disney also has me on these puberty-blocking hormones so I have the body of an 11-year old even though I’m really 103 (long story). So I’m stuck in this weird place where I have grey pubic hair and no boobs and I have to keep smearing this cream all over myself or I’ll turn into a ghost, and the cream is like $79 a bucket and all I have are these e-coins. I guess this is the price of pop perfection, and the deal I…
Read more
H. Seitz
November 25, 2019
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Avatar, Baby Yoda, Bob Seger, Disney World, Dr. Jekyll, Draco, Elsa, Ewan McGregor, Fox, Frozen, Hillary Clinton, Home Depot, James Bond, Jesus, Marvel, Michael Epstein, Mickey Mouse, Moana, Mr. Hyde, Obi Wan Kenobi, Pornhub, Reptilian, Robert Allen Iger, Satan, Star Wars, Terminator Dark Fate, The Mandalorian, Walt Disney
Dear Jesus and Satan, You’d think that owning everything would be great, but it’s actually extremely stressful. I like to revel in the failure of others just like everybody else, but now, there are no others. Take Terminator Dark Fate. It turns out that Disney somehow owns this piece of crap and it’s got me hella worried about the five Avatar movies we’re making. Jesus Christ, did we have to go ahead and make five of them? We’ve already spent something like a billion dollars and I have no idea what they’re even about. I think they’re about blue panthers or something? God this is bad. We own Star Wars, Marvel, Fox, and all this other crap, but are people even going to the movies anymore? I just don’t see millions of people shelling out $25 to go see Avatar 4. The merch is still solid (thank God) and Baby…
Read more
H. Seitz
November 18, 2019
Divine Advice
Brooklyn 99, Cheech and Chong, Chelsea Peretti, Face/Off, Get Out, Jesus Christ, Jordan Peele, Keegan Michael Key, Key and Peele, Laurel and Hardy, Pitch Perfect, Satan, Terry Crews, The Devil
Dear DA, Which one of us is which? I’m the short fat one, and I’m the tall skinny one. Let me explain. Or us explain. Both of us are writing this letter. We do everything together. We all always have, and maybe that’s a part of the problem. We grew up together, and it never really mattered who was who since we were always together anyway. But recently we started wondering about it, so we asked our friends, and none of them would give us a straight answer. Since we’re famous, we tried asking strangers, but none of them seemed to know for sure, either. Just tell us which one is the tall skinny one, or what his name is, or the name of the fat, shorter one. If you could tell us who both of us are, that’d be great, but as long as we know who one of…
Read more
H. Seitz
November 11, 2019
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dana Carvey, Danny DeVito, Hanz and Franz, Jesus Christ, Kevin Nealon, Killing Gunther, Mackenzie Davis, Maria Shriver, Santa Claus, Satan, Saturday Night Live, Terminator Dark Fate, The Devil, The Expendables 4, Twins
Dear DA, I can not believe it that the Terminator Dark Fate can not make any of the money even with me as the Terminator. Maybe it is too sad for the people to see the terminator old and flabby and it is foolish to make the Mackenzie Davis into the teenage boy when she is so much better dressed as the female. The Expendables 4 will make even less of the money because Danny DeVito is my twin and the villain. Do communion wafers have a lot of carbs? I want to accept Jesus Christ into my heart but am afraid of the carbs. What do you do for other people with dietary restrictions? I see on the internet there are vegan communion wafers, but they are $14 for a small box. Wouldn’t it be better to give that money to the homeless? Or take them to see the…
Read more
H. Seitz
November 4, 2019
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dick Van Dyke, Eddie Furlong, James Cameron, Leslie Hamilton, Linda Hamilton, Mary Poppins, Star Wars, Thanos, The Lost City of Z, The Terminator, The Titanic, Trump
Dear DA, Does anyone actually give a shit about Terminator movies anymore? I get what they’re trying to do by hauling my withered old carcass front and center. I’m one of the OG “empowered” females. Nevermind that in Terminator 2 I was basically a demented gun nut with PTSD who had abandoned her child. I could have pretended to be sane and kept him, but my character was legitimately crazy by any metric. Even if there really were killer robots from the future, would you trust a woman like that to raise a child? Something about her screams “Trump supporter.” No one cares about the Star Wars movies either. I predict this Terminator movie, Star Wars 9 (9!), and the Avatar sequels are all going to suck. We’ve reached a point as a society where we have nothing new left to offer. We’re emotionally and culturally bankrupt. Movie plots are…
Read more
H. Seitz
October 28, 2019
Divine Advice
Adam Driver, Al Pacino, Antman and the Wasp, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Cape Fear, Captain America, Citizen Kane, Daisy Ridley, Eugene Levy, Goodfellas, Iron Man, Joe Pesci, Keanu Reeves, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mad Magazine, Martin Scorsese, Marvel, Raging Bull, Robert De Niro, Rocky, Star Wars, The Age of Innocence, The Avengers, The Bicycle Thief, The Godfather, The Irishman, Thor: Ragnarok, Tigerbeat, Winona Ryder
Dear DA, Are you looking forward to Star Wars 9? That title sounds like a Mad Magazine parody. I’ve been tricked and let down so many times, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. And why did they have to get a guy with such a weird face? For Christ’s sake, keep the helmet on! There are a lot of cute boys out there who’d be more than happy to shake it for The Mouse. They should’ve done what I do and gone through back issues of TigerBeat. That’s how I found Leo and Bobby DeNiro. If you can’t pull off a TigerBeat cover, what good are you? You think these people are paying to watch you act? You get up there and you shake it, boy, and that goes double for the ladies. Speaking of which, what kind of parents name their kid Daisy? There was…
Read more
H. Seitz
October 21, 2019
Divine Advice
Allison Stokke, Anastasia Bryzgalova, Jesus Christ, Megan Fox, Satan
Dear DA, I’ve become the most powerful sampire of my kind, and I know this because women can tell. When you stare at our tits and asses, however covertly, we know it, and most of us like it, as long as it’s only for a few seconds and you’re decent-looking. Maybe it’s true that if men didn’t exist, women would still be living in the forest basket weaving, but if women didn’t exist, so would men. Why invent anything with no fine vagina around to impress? People invent stuff because they’re lazy, but that laziness goes both ways, and if there’s no ass involved, it’s easier to just sit in a cave staring at your foot. A sampire is like a vampire, except we feed on the phantom semen of millions of incels, MGTOWS, and regular old horny dudes everywhere. Girlfriends who put out help, but they aren’t enough. Not…
Read more
