Tag Archive: Pornhub

Divine Advice For Christopher Nolan

Dear DA, It seemed extravagant at the time, but I’m thanking my lucky stars I bought my Dolby home theater when I did. The difference is like watching Pornhub on your phone vs being in an actual whorehouse. You want to hear my famous “BWAANG!” sound the way I intended, it’s the only way to go. We’re all working really hard on Tenet, which may be the last major studio release ever. Of all the things affected by COVID-19, the cinema being shut down has probably hit me the hardest. I’ll be sitting around knackered and think to myself that a nice trip to the cinema would be just the thing, but then I remember the cinema is no longer an option. They’ll reopen for Tenet, for one last gasp as they say, and that’ll be that. Maybe Drive-Ins will make a comeback? My “BWAANG!” sound doesn’t quite come through…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 4

Dear DA, This COVID-19 thing is really starting to get to me. Of course I feel badly for everyone and I know I’m relatively lucky, but I think I’m starting to go crazy. Being cooped up in my Tribeca mansion didn’t seem so bad at first. I was masturbating 5 times a day as usual and getting really good at playing the banjo. I can actually play Eruption on the banjo now. Why would anyone bother learning how to play Eruption on a banjo? Maybe because they’re bored out of their mind and you can’t just masturbate forever. Anyway, my mansion is in NYC, so it’s more of a townhouse, or to people who don’t live in NYC, a nicer than average normal-sized house. I have an infinity pool, one of those stationary bikes that rams a dildo into you as you pedal, a cat, and plenty of ravioli, so…
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Divine Advice For Robert Allen Iger

Dear Jesus and Satan, You’d think that owning everything would be great, but it’s actually extremely stressful. I like to revel in the failure of others just like everybody else, but now, there are no others. Take Terminator Dark Fate. It turns out that Disney somehow owns this piece of crap and it’s got me hella worried about the five Avatar movies we’re making. Jesus Christ, did we have to go ahead and make five of them? We’ve already spent something like a billion dollars and I have no idea what they’re even about. I think they’re about blue panthers or something? God this is bad. We own Star Wars, Marvel, Fox, and all this other crap, but are people even going to the movies anymore? I just don’t see millions of people shelling out $25 to go see Avatar 4. The merch is still solid (thank God) and Baby…
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Divine Advice For Roseanne Barr

Dear DA, Americans are nostalgic and they love a comeback, and I’m both. Or at least I was. They liked me so much they thought I was kidding about being a Trump supporter. I guess what the millennials say is true. If you’re a rich, privileged, white woman, you can get away with almost anything, except for showing them what hypocrites they are. They liked me, so they figured I must be one of them. Don’t get me wrong. You’re technically God, so you can’t get me wrong and there’s no point in lying to you. What I tweeted was racist. But is that any reason to shame me? That’s race shaming. They’re making me ashamed of being white. Being a racist I can live with, but being white? I’ll never be able to wear a bikini in public again. If I wasn’t a racist, I might actually be ashamed…
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