Tag Archive: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Divine Advice For Greta Thunberg

Dear DA, People are calling me a privileged, brainwashed, hypocrite who’s not as sciency as she pretends to be because of my irrational opposition to nuclear power. It really is kind of ridiculous when you think about it. We’ve had this safe, clean, almost magical source of power since like forever and we’d rather go back to windmills because we’re idiots. I’m also a vegan, which automatically makes me even more annoying. Yes, I’m a privileged hypocrite, and like most teenagers, I’m dramatic, idealistic, and you just want to slap me and I probably deserve it. But since I have this privilege, shouldn’t I use it? Anthropogenic climate change is a real problem and most adults don’t care because they figure they’ll be dead by then anyway or have their souls uploaded into the cloud and then downloaded back into Japanese sex robots. My generation is going to have to…
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Superhunks for the 80’s: Tom Cruise

Hunks come and hunks go, and all too many try to stick around long after their 15 minutes are up and their pecs are down. But some, like Schwarzenegger and Stallone, manage to defy father time and mother nature just enough to keep filling up the theaters. Old, broken down, and in some cases, downright creepy (Stallone’s strange hairline and old man muscle in Rocky 6 made him look like a Frankenstein’s monster of tucks and toupees from the 80s), they still have that special something that separates them from the pack. So it isn’t just the oil and the muscles, and it’s more than just a steamy stare. The material certainly helps, but there’s more to it than just that, as the wrong stud could turn a classic into a joke. Could you imagine Raiders of the Lost Ark starring Tom Selleck? Or Rocky starring Burt Reynolds? There’s a…
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Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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Divine Advice For Average Joe (Matt Damon in Disguise)

Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
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