Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Porn Double

Dear DA, You live in a big city like NY, you eventually see dopplegangers of everyone. A guy who looks exactly like that idiot from high school, except hairier balls, or a woman who looks just like Scarlett Johansson, except 300 pounds. I watch a lot of porn. I’m the kind of guy, I watch porn while I’m eating breakfast. So I’m watching this video yesterday and I see a guy who looks just like me. He made noises like me, screamed like me, made the same little stupid grunts and whimpers. It’s like when you hear a recording of your voice for the first time. It doesn’t sound like you to you, but you get the creepy feeling in your brain that it is you. I got the same feeling watching this guy. I knew it was me, but how could it be? Making a porn video seems like…
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Divine Advice For Robosexual

Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know who to turn to. I have a strange sexual orientation, and I haven’t told my family or friends yet. I’m not even sure how this would work, but here goes. I am a Robosexual and Kaijusexual. I have a thing for robots, and also for a very specific type of monster. It lives in the ocean and has a giant claw, and is part cephalopod. How do I handle this? I can’t stand the thought of being with a human being. Robots with their emotionless demeanor seem perfect as I can just program them to react a certain way. I particularly like this one butler bot who calls everyone “Wesley”, but I haven’t actually met a robot yet. As for the Kaiju monster, I don’t think they really exist. But I wish they did. I would be the best girlfriend to one. Jesus, how…
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Divine Advice For Concerned Witch

Dear Divine Advice, Once more I write to you. This time because of another stupid, blind follower of yours, Jesus. Seems this person has decided that a mistranslated story is worth believing more than actual facts, or learning for themselves. This person decided that the story of Jonah and the whale is a true story. As a witch who has studied these magnificent creatures of yours extensively, I can assure you Jonah was swallowed either by a Grouper (they can be as big as a ship’s engine room!) or a catfish, not a whale! Nor was it a shark. Sharks don’t like human flesh. They told me themselves. How can I teach these stupid humanoids that not every story is true? Why do they insist that stories that were more about learning morals than being truthful are true? Also Jesus, why do you keep sending your goons to me when…
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Divine Advice For Dustin Hoffman

Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
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Divine Advice For Kevin Spacey 2

Dear DA, My new movie Billionaire Boys Club came out a few days ago and made $126.00. You read that correctly. $126.00. My share comes to 1.26 cents. What the hell can I do with 1.26 cents? I couldn’t even pay a dog to urinate on me for 1.26 cents. These people persecuting me, they are so full of shit. If American Beauty came out tomorrow, they’d criticize it for being homophobic. Why is Kevin Spacey going for the underaged girl when he has so much more in common with the underaged boy? And where are all the black people and lesbians? You know who else was a monster? Hitler. This stupid idea, that if you mention Hitler you’ve lost the argument, that’s more bullshit. It’s the same with “not all white people” or “not all men.” If I were to say that not all men love their wives enough,…
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Divine Advice For Tom Cruise 2

Dear DA, I am the biggest moviestar on earth. Not literally. That honor would have to go to whatever lesbian plays Chewbacca. I’m not a large man, but I am a large star. The biggest and brightest. Some people pick on me for being short or a Scientologist or having funny looking uncentered horse teeth. Do you know what I say to those people? I have hundreds of millions of dollars. I have my own airplanes and petting zoos. So do you know how much I value your opinion? I value your opinion exactly as much as you’d expect Tom fucking Cruise to value your opinion. That’s how much. As far as the Scientology, is it really that much weirder than Christianity or any other religion? If anything, it’s more plausible. And for the regular guy, I get it. Scientology wouldn’t work for you. But if you’re Tom Cruise, you…
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The Paedophile

I was walking little Timmy out to the main entrance of Pine View Elementary. He was one of my second grade students and he was a bit weird and demented, or as they like to call it nowadays, “specially-abled.” He was missing teeth, his ears were too big, and he smelled like he lived in an old building where the people ate pop tarts for breakfast and you weren’t allowed to have a dog or a cat, but you were allowed to have hamsters. He was also kind of a sissy. Or defied gender stereotypes. Whatever he was, he was a mess, and the other kids weren’t having any of it. People forget this about young children, but they’re mean little pricks. They have no conscience and no filter. There are reasons they aren’t allowed to vote or drive or do anything of consequence. Timmy had to have his hand…
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Movie Review- Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi Rated PG Return of the Jedi is a symbolic exploration of the difficulties involved in expediting the elusive female orgasm. This theme has been taken up by more recent films such as Man of Steel and Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and was touched upon by the original Star Wars film released in 1977, but nowhere is it as explicit as in Return of The Jedi. The Death Star, like the Empire, is barren and sterile. All is male, grey, and English. Cloaked within this cynicism is the somehow subtle manifestation of death as a feminine sphere, hinting that within death lays the potential for new life. This is most obviously, and prudishly, illustrated by The Force Awakens, in which the destruction of Starkiller Base (aka The Death Star 2.0) culminates with its rebirth as a star. Likewise in Man of Steel, when the…
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Divine Advice For Johnny Depp

Dear DA, Somehow my life of drinking, smoking, drugs, gunplay, gambling, spousal abuse, and general irresponsibility has led me to ruin. I’m broke, I’m alone, and I’ve been marked as a wife beater, which is probably the worst thing of all nowadays. Despite all of the problems she caused me, I still miss Amber. Have you seen how hot she is? Do you know what’s it like to have a woman that hot and then not have her? It’s worse than never having her in the first place. I’m not lying about her punching me in the face, but what I failed to mention is that I get off on it. It reminds me of growing up with my mom. My mom used to beat me with belts and shoes, she even threw a toaster at me once. I know this is no excuse for anything, but I want to…
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Movie Review- Police Academy

Police Academy Rated R Police Academy is “problematic” because in the 80s, people weren’t as culturally woke as we are today. One almost gets the feeling that it was meant to be crude and offensive. We start with the destruction of a photomat. For you millennials who don’t know what a photomat is, it’s a place we used to have to go to pick up our selfies. In the 80s, cameras weren’t just an app, they were an actual device, and they used “film.” After exposing the “film” to light, it would capture images. We would take this “film” to the photomat, and they would turn it into selfies. In a way, this scene foreshadows the destruction of old institutions as society progresses. Like most of our detritus, the remains of the photomat are dumped into the ocean, signaling our continuing scorn for the environment. The archetypes are simplistic and…
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