Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

The Lover

I’m not above a pity fuck. If anything, I’m below it. I’ve lied about my mom dying, my dog dying, my cat dying, me dying. I’ve lied about everything. I will literally say anything to get laid. And I’ll actually do some horrible things, too. The way it is, women want it just as bad. We all want it. But most people are unevolved. They need a plausible excuse to put out. Love, a dead cat, a dead dog, whatever. So your job, as a person who wants to get laid, is to expedite it. The most important thing is to never give up. Keep talking. You’ll be amazed at the bullshit that comes out of your mouth. For me, whenever I have a crisis of creativity, I think of the girl in her panties. I imagine her taking off her panties, her upper inner thighs, her bush, and I…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Anita Sarkeesian

Dear DA, Our country is torn apart like never before (except for maybe the Civil War), but our biggest problem by far is sexy female butts in video games. It starts with the video games, but before you know it they’re out on the streets, staring at butts. So many sexy butts in yoga pants and miniskirts, white stockings to the mid thigh, black leather boots just above the knees. They become obsessed with female butts. So much so it becomes the most important thing in their lives. Almost like a crusade. An insane crusade to dominate and constrain the female butt. To tell the female butt where it does and does not belong and how it’s supposed to dress and behave not only in public, but even in the privacy of its own home or bathroom or phone. These butts are unrealistic because they’re too realistic. Most butts don’t…
Read more

Share this post:

Monkey Time

Bluto is a complete buffoon. Stella knows it, Duane knows it, we all know it. But for some reason, we accept his reign of stupidity anyway. Bluto is a bully. He uses his own urine to fluff up his fur and a mixture of dirt and feces to cover his bald patches. The zookeepers bring us plenty of bananas, dates, water, apples. Everything we could ever need. But Bluto still has to hoard it all and divy it up according to his whimsy like a king. I asked Stella why some of the females still go for Bluto and she told me it’s mainly because they’re idiots, but it’s also instinctive. Bluto is big, strong, and dominating, and he always manages to hoard most of the resources. This makes him an asshole, but it also makes him a good provider. Or at least that’s how the females see it. But…
Read more

Share this post:

The Incredible Hulk Discusses Violence

Hulk always big fan of violence. Still am. Hulk see car, building, spider, people, Hulk smash! People point at car, building, spider, people, and tell Hulk violence bad. At first, Hulk no believe. Violence no smash people, Hulk smash people. They say maybe if Hulk less violent, less smash! Hulk think this ridiculous. Hulk mature enough for unlimited violence. Sure, sometimes smash, but violence 2nd amendment Hulk right. Hulk ancestors always violent. Maybe life different 200 years ago, but not so different. Hulk make sure not so different. But voice in Hulk head start to talk about humans, and Hulk understand analogy. Voice say Americans not mature enough for unlimited firepower, and maybe same true of Hulk. So Hulk finally agree. When smash, no longer include pinkie finger in fist. Voice in Hulk head still mad at Hulk. Hulk still mad at voice. But less mad. If Hulk can change,…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Tomi Lahren

Dear Jesus (for Jesus only, not Satan!), I’ve been told that I’m like a younger, colder Megyn Kelly, and my boyish first name and build appeal to closeted homosexuals everywhere. This, obviously, makes me perfect for Fox News. Crisis actors are a real thing. The libtard left fakes 9/11, moon landings, and mass shootings in order to never pass gun control legislation anyway. It’s all so obvious. So what I’d like to ask about today are the real victims. The salt of the earth, everyday Americans whose voices are shunned. That’s right, I’m talking about the so-called “conspiracy theorists.” Just because some people have no understanding of grade school science, no evidence to back up their claims, and have lost touch with reality in general, that doesn’t mean that their point of view is any less valid than anyone else’s. This is what America is about. Equality. Is the earth…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Paul Ryan

Dear Jesus Christ and Satan, Why can’t people understand that there’s never a good time to do anything? I wear red baseball caps and workout and eat lots of cheese just like a regular American, so why is everybody so mad at me? When you react to something right after it happens, that is, technically, a knee-jerk reaction, even if that something has already happened a lot of times frequently. So you wait to react and then something else happens and we forget all about the other thing until it happens again and, well, you can’t make a knee-jerk reaction to that, either, right? It’s wrong to politicize tragedy. But in a democratic republic, you have to politicize things in order to affect change, so surely you can see my dilemma? The only thing I can really do is nothing. And we should wait until all the facts are in.…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Matt Damon 4

Dear DA, I guess you’ve heard that I’m in hot water again for saying there’s a difference between groping and rape. If I’m wrong about this one, I wasted over 25 years of my life trying to educate Ben Affleck. Just look at that guy. He’s a big, rapey looking mutherfucker. Ever since Good Will Hunting, I always told him “lookey lookey okay, but sometimes creepy, gropey gropey bad, and rapey rapey very bad, bad Ben Affleck! Bad boy!” Then I’d smack him with a rolled up newspaper. We were basically teen idols after Good Will Hunting, but he was already 25, so I even taught him the difference between regular rape and statutory rape. You should have seen the look of horror on his face, but it isn’t his fault he’s functionally retarded. Am I allowed to use the word “retarded’? It means less advanced than a person should…
Read more

Share this post:

Mr. Snuggles

We met online. I had never met anyone online before, but it seemed like we were compatible. Our mutual love of animals sealed the deal. Or at least the date.    Once she found about Mr. Snuggles, my emotional support/service animal, she wanted to meet me (and him) asap. She asked what I needed him for (depression and color blindness), how long we had been together (almost a year now), if I had any other pets (not anymore). By the end of our chat, she was practically begging me to tell her if Mr. Snuggles was a cat, a dog, a monkey, what?    Living in NYC, you see a lot of people with unusual animals, or animals where you wouldn’t expect them. There’s an old lady who’s been wandering around the lower east side with a cat on her head for the last two decades. No leash. The cat never fusses…
Read more

Share this post:

Divine Advice For Melania Trump

Dear DA, I’m considering leaving my husband. It isn’t just the cheating or the humiliation or him lusting after his own goddamn daughter, it’s everything. He wears trusses whenever he goes out in public. Multiple trusses. And even with the trusses, he looks like a slob. And his odor. He smells like old ketchup and Play-Doh. When I feed him his bedtime cheeseburgers, I have to mash them up in a blender first and put a bib on him. A fucking bib. And when he wakes up in the morning, I have to bathe and dress him. He’s always obstinate about taking his bath. Then there’s the baby powder and the diaper and the trusses. His suits look funny because they’re all onesies. He can’t even tie his own fucking shoes. When I was pregnant with Baron and stopped having my period, he was afraid that Baron might be a…
Read more

Share this post:

The Incredible Hulk Discusses Online Dating

Dating hard for Hulk. No time. Too busy with Hulk business. But lonely time at night, Hulk know Hulk need love. Need devote more time to find mate. At first embarrassed to online date. Hulk no weirdo. But Hulk realize no other option. Online dating numbers game. When Hulk first try, only message or like woman Hulk really think compatible. Now, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right. Any free moment, swipe right. Barely bother look at picture. Same with other site. Like message, like message, like message, like message. Giant fingers make process slow, child mind make message gibberish, but new approach already better. Just last week, Nigeria lady try scam Hulk. Pretend to be doctor from NY on vacation. Ask money for ticket home. Maybe not true love, but at least get message. For all flaw of online dating, still better than real life interaction.

Share this post: