Satirical Musings, Reviews and Short Fiction

Divine Advice For Mike Pence 2

Dear DA, If Phil Donahue and Charlie Brown had a Benjamin Button style old-man baby, that would be me, so I have to do whatever I can to look tough, no matter who I might put in danger. You ever have a cat that was afraid to go outside? So whenever he did, he would puff out his fur to make himself look big and tough, but really he just looked ridiculous? I was talking to mommy (that’s my pet name for my wife) and she told me that no matter how silly or sick I might feel, there’s no turning back now. I have to keep getting up and putting on my hair and face just like mommy, and if mommy can do it, so can I, because I’m her special little old-man baby. I try to be brave, but I’m still afraid. There are just so many mysteries,…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 4

Dear DA, This COVID-19 thing is really starting to get to me. Of course I feel badly for everyone and I know I’m relatively lucky, but I think I’m starting to go crazy. Being cooped up in my Tribeca mansion didn’t seem so bad at first. I was masturbating 5 times a day as usual and getting really good at playing the banjo. I can actually play Eruption on the banjo now. Why would anyone bother learning how to play Eruption on a banjo? Maybe because they’re bored out of their mind and you can’t just masturbate forever. Anyway, my mansion is in NYC, so it’s more of a townhouse, or to people who don’t live in NYC, a nicer than average normal-sized house. I have an infinity pool, one of those stationary bikes that rams a dildo into you as you pedal, a cat, and plenty of ravioli, so…
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Divine Advice For Anthony Fauci

Dear DA, We all know what a shitshow this has been, and working with “The Donald” has been depressing, disgusting, and confusing. This didn’t get real for him until McDonald’s closed. Once he heard about that, he went absolutely crazy. He demanded I stop the virus immediately and had to be physically restrained from threatening McDonald’s (not the CEO, not the local manager, “McDonald’s”) on Twitter. Fortunately, he’s morbidly obese, and can’t physically exert himself or tantrum for more than a few seconds, but it didn’t end there. He called in the White House chefs and raised absolute hell. He demanded they start cooking McDonald’s food, and at this point, they just shrugged their shoulders and accepted it, and crazier still, the food they made is exactly like McDonald’s, except they don’t have the right wrappers or fry holders, and this also made Trump crazy. He accused them of trying…
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Divine Advice For Bernie Sanders 2

Dear Characters from Christian Mythology, As you know, I suspended my presidential bid this week, and my supporters are none too happy about it. They blame the Democratic establishment for marginalizing our progressive values, undermining our revolution, and conspiring against my campaign. Obviously, they’re right. The problem is Donald Trump is still our president and he’s making things worse every second of every day. How can I convince my tribe of Bernie Bros that Joe Biden may be a creepy hair-sniffing fossil with dementia, but we still need him to win in November? It might take another four years for the country to get it’s head out of it’s ass, but we don’t have that kind of time. Sincerely, Bernie Sanders Dear Bernie, It’s adorable that you still think there’s going to be an election in November. Anyway, there’s only one way to keep your disciples from losing hope—you have…
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Divine Advice For Andrew Cuomo

Dear DA, It’s been brought up before and no one took it seriously, but it’s time for NY to secede. I’ve been lauded lately for telling the truth and speaking to the citizens of NY like they’re adults, and while I appreciate it, the 13-year-old girl who lives inside of me (she lives inside all of us) is like what, really? The bar is, like, really that low? Even CNN and the NY Times gush over Trump every time he manages not to shit himself or comes across as somewhat coherent. Basically, any time he comports himself as well as an average child, he’s finally “presidential.” And his approval ratings are going up. All those hicks in the sticks, who are supposedly against the federal government redistributing taxes, you know what? I’m starting to agree with them. I’m tired of NY paying for roads and schools in Alabama and Oklahoma…
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Divine Advice For Mitch McConnell 2

Dear DA, I look like a bald ferret with no chin, and have a personality to match! I’m well aware that I’m going to hell, but maybe we can make a deal? What I can do, every bill from now on, I’ll keep adding slush funds for you. I know it didn’t make it this time, but it usually does. America is the best. A first world country that pays third world wages. And when the going gets tough, it’s every man for himself. It’s like that all the time actually, I get mine and you go fuck yourself, but especially during a crisis. What I want from you, in return for those slush funds, is to give Trump back his supporters. They’ve been strangely quiet. It’s almost as if this entire COVID-19 thing forced them to face reality, and maybe even question their core beliefs. If you think this…
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Divine Advice For Adam Silver

Dear DA, I’m filled with both pride and horror that the NBA is apparently more powerful than the mainstream media, the CDC, and state and local governments. A doctor in Seattle starts barking about this virus in January, and nothing. Crickets. Rudy Gobert goes down, and suddenly shit gets real, especially after I suspended the season. Trump supporters can ignore or deny a lot of reality, and Americans are used to America responding to outbreaks responsibly, so they just kind of take it for granted that either America is doing what it’s supposed to or it isn’t that bad. Until the NBA gets suspended, because when the hell has that ever happened? I can’t remember it ever happening before, can you? (Seriously, I can’t). So that must mean the virus isn’t a hoax, because the NBA, well, I’m familiar with it. So it’s time to start hoarding toilet paper. It…
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Lucy

Jim had been saving up for years, and he finally had enough for the sex robot of his dreams. Six feet tall, blond, Quad AI processing, the strength of three men. In the long run, the thing would pay for itself. It would do his laundry, install the air conditioner for him, clean behind the refrigerator, and fulfill all of his shameful, disgusting fantasies.  He went online to place the order and there was a problem. Out of stock? Basic models only? Every time he clicked, he got a different error message, so he finally decided to call. After three hours on hold, he chose the option to be called back.  Two days later, Jim awoke to his phone buzzing and scrambled out of bed. If he missed this call, they might never call him again, and where did he leave his phone? He saw movement on top of his…
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Divine Advice For Taylor Swift 3

Dear DA, I’ve had a good run for a musician, and I am a musician. And since my recent thickening, I’m one of the most fuckable women on earth. But I can’t help thinking timing has something to do with it. Every week since I’ve been born, and especially since I’ve been famous, something unbelievably awful happens. I got my first handjob on 9/11. My first demo, 1000 people died in Yemen. But to be fair, that happens, like, every week? Stock market crash 2008, my first period. Trump elected, my first strap-on. Coronavirus, my first kiss. I know that seems maybe out of order, but the South is different. So for the average millennial, all straight men, and 90% of women, it’s either look at the most recent weekly horror or look at Taylor Swift. I’m Taylor Swift, and I, like most even remotely self-aware people, hate myself, but…
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Divine Advice For Tulsi Gabbard

Today is International Women’s Day (in the middle of Women’s History month), and I’m wondering why the hell the whole country keeps saying that there are no women left in the 2020 presidential race. Sure, I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m still here, dammit. At least for now. I made a lot of enemies when I kicked Kamala Harris’s ass on the debate stage over her social justice failures, and then I further enraged the party when I dared to fight Hillary Clinton after she called me a Russian asset. The Democratic establishment doesn’t like it when people call them out on their bullshit, and the lamestream media is more than willing to go along with whatever narrative the elites put forward. Maybe I should have played nice in the beginning. Maybe I should have waited until I had more support before taking the gloves off, but that’s…
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