Tag Archive: Tom Cruise
The Skull Island Times > Tom Cruise
H. Seitz
March 11, 2018
Divine Advice
Catholic, Christian, Donald Trump, Evangelical, Jehovah's Witness, Jesus, Mel Gibson, Mike Huckabee, Mormon, Pope Francis, Rick Santorum, Roy Moore, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Satan, Stephen Baldwin, Tom Cruise, Tomi Lahren
Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.…
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H. Seitz
November 27, 2017
Divine Advice
Antonio Banderas, Benicio del Toro, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, Edward Saxon, Forrest Gump, Jesus, Jonathan Demme, OJ SImpson, Philadelphia, Satan, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks
Dear Jesus and Satan, Looking back at my career, I’m a little bit panicked about how some of my previous roles might be interpreted nowadays. Especially with all of these scandals coming out of the woodwork. My first big break, I played a guy who pretended to be a transvestite (Can you pretend to be a transvestite? Doesn’t pretending to be one make you one?) so he could get cheap rent in a women’s dormitory and stalk Donna Dixon. Technically, I was pretending to be a woman, but still. It isn’t exactly a role that would make transvestites proud. But I’m not too worried about it because the show was never that big. What I am worried about is Forrest Gump. If I had known then what I know now, I would have insisted that a differently abled actor got the role. Pretending to be differently abled might be just…
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H. Seitz
September 4, 2017
Divine Advice
Jesus, Katie Holmes, Keith Urban, Lucifer, Nicole Kidman, Oprah Winfrey, Satan, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, I’ve been struggling with my weight all my life. The best advice I ever got was to just do more of the things I already love doing. For example, if I love walking, I should walk more. So what I want to know is, how many calories do I burn masturbating? Smoking a cigarette? Drinking beer? Watching an hour of TV? Eating a donut? I know beer has a lot of calories, but doesn’t it take calories for your liver to burn away the alcohol? Also, how many carbs are in whiskey? Also, why don’t most sweatpants have pockets anymore, and why are the pockets so small? Where am I supposed to keep my keys and my donuts when I go out jogging? Thank you in advance for the calorie information, and let me know where I can buy a decent pair of sweats. Sincerely, Oprah Winfrey If you…
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RK Galaga
July 24, 2017
Divine Advice
Blanche, Chicago Sun, Chicago Tribune, Ebert, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, God, Golden Girls, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jesus, Lord Xenu, Losin' It, Lucifer, Mona, Motion Picture Association of America, MPAA, Sandy Duncan, Scientology, Shelley Long, Siskel, Spielberg, The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, Tom Cruise, Who's The Boss
Dear Jesus and Satan, It’s me again. I was the one who wrote you a few months back about Mona from Who’s the Boss and Blanche from the Golden Girls. To be honest, I don’t remember your advice, all I know is that I have been feveriously masterbating to the thought of both of them. Honestly, I’m proud of myself….Ive been doing a good job of alternating my fantasies between Mona and Blanche. I thought you’d be proud…I’m rambling. Anyways. I was reading the last entry regarding Tom Cruise, and I have a great idea. Remember when he starred in “Losin It” in 1983? With Shelley Long? Why did Hollywood go away with the loveable concept of young guys who just want to get some? What the Fuck happened? Those movies were all so good? Who’s to blame for this? Is it the Scientologists??? See what I did there? I’m…
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RK Galaga
July 17, 2017
Divine Advice
Battlefield Earth, Beck, Ernie Reyes Jr., Giovanni Ribisi, Heaven's Gate, Jason Lee, Jesus, John Travolta, Martin Luther, Oprah Winfrey, Satan, Scientology, The Mummy, Tom Cruise, Top Gun 2, Xenu
Dear Divine Advice, Ever since I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch, the world thinks I’m crazy. Outwardly, I’ve been able to project an image of myself as ultra confident, but the fact is, the things people are saying are really starting to hurt my feelings. I’ve prayed to Xenu many times, and, to be honest, he doesn’t really have anything helpful to say. He keeps telling me to be patient, and everyone will love me again once Top Gun II comes out. But I can’t wait that long. So guys, what can I do? How can I win back the love of the nation? Sincerely, Tom Cruise Really? We’re doing another one about Scientology? Shit. Well, I guess when Tom Cruise writes in, we can’t exactly ignore him. Ok, here goes… Dear Tom Cruise, You’ve come to the right place. Xenu’s not a bad guy, but let’s be…
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