H. Seitz
January 28, 2019
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Amazon, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, Elizabeth Warrem, Hillary Clinton, Jeff Besos, Jesus, Jill Stein, Koch Brothers, Satan, Viagra
Dear DA, I’m considering running for president, and this time, I think I can win. I may look like an old man on the outside, but I’m still as sharp as a tack. Lurking within my battered frame is the spunk of a hot latina lesbian woman who just found out her grandma’s homemade salsa is nothing but Old El Paso with a little bit of ketchup added in. I’ve been duped! We’ve all been duped! Can you believe this wall nonsense? I’ve always considered myself to be an honorable Jew, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Walls are bad news. Ask the East Germans, or the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. Is this really the look we’re going for? I’ve noticed that hot latina lesbians are trending lately. Yes, I know how to find out about what’s trending on the interweb. I keep up with the social media…
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H. Seitz
January 21, 2019
Divine Advice
Barack Obama, Fox News, Jesus Christ, Mitch McConnell, Old Testament, Rand Paul, Satan, Shepard Smith, The Devil, Uranium One
Dear DA, Does eating Turkey Buzzards make me a cannibal? Hehehe. I’m just kidding to show y’all that I can be human and lifelike, too, just like a regular earth fellow. Anyway–my job used to be a lot more complicated until I discovered a little secret that more than quadrupled my efficiency, and I discovered it by accident! It all started when that Obama fella got elected and I announced that whatever he tried to do, we’d block it on principle. Basically, my entire philosophy, and that of the Republican party, boiled down to “Obama bad.” Or now that he’s no longer president, “Obama bad” or “Democrats bad” or “Hillary bad.” It’s amazing how well it works. But with this government shutdown and wall debacle, it’s time to put the old thinking cap back on, and I have to admit that I’ve gotten a little bit rusty. How do I…
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H. Seitz
January 14, 2019
Divine Advice
Batman, Bob Backlund, California Raisins, Country Time Buffet, Donald Trump, GNC, Gold's Gym, Hulk Hogan, Jesus Christ, John Cena, Pat Patterson, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, Satan, Slim Jim, Stephanie McMahon, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Devil, The Rock, The Ultimate Warrior, Triple H, Vince McMahon, Wrestlemania
Dear DA, You heard it here first. I, Vince McMahon, am running for President of the United States of America. Once Trump won, he showed crazy, rich, unqualified white guys everywhere that our dreams can come true, too. I’m just like Donald Trump, only younger, stronger, and more well-muscled. I may not be the president this country needs, but I’m the one it deserves. I even had my daughter abducted once. I’ve accomplished a lot in my life. I can bench press 450 pounds, I once ate 14 pounds of rotisserie chicken at the Country Time Buffet, and a for a few months in 2004, I was Batman. Every billionaire tries to be Batman at least once. Even Bill Gates tried it. Physically, he was pitiful, but he more than made up for it in sheer evil. If it wasn’t for Windows, we’d have a colony on Mars by now.…
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H. Seitz
January 7, 2019
Divine Advice
A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, anhedonia, Derek Jeter, Eve, Garden of Eden, Gwyneth Paltrow, J-Lo, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, kidney stones, Redd Foxx, Rick James, Satan, sepsis, The Jungle Book, vagina rocks
Original photo by DVSROSS
Dear DA, First of all, I have to thank Satan for giving me eternal hotness in return for my soul. I mean look at me. I’m 49 fucking years old. 49! If you want to use me in your ads or testimonials, count me in. Other people are just scammers, man. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina rocks did absolutely nothing for me, although I did manage to turn a profit selling my used ones on e-Bay. Apparently there’s a market for rocks covered in my vagina juice, and get this: it was mainly women buying them. What a strange fucking world. You can buy rocks for your vagina, but when they grow naturally in your kidneys, you have to pay people to take them out. I guess the grass is always greener. Anyway, I really need some advice. For the last few months, I’ve been experiencing anhedonia. I no longer take pleasure…
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H. Seitz
December 24, 2018
Divine Advice
Ben Affleck, Ferrari Testarossa, Jesus Christ, Matt Damon, Satan
Dear DA, What a year, am I right? I hosted Saturday Night Live, I fit an entire pear in my mouth, and I think I managed to undo some of the damage I caused by suggesting there’s a difference between eye-rape, grope-rape, and rape-rape. As a 100% CIS white heteronormative male, I should just shut the hell up and hide myself under a shawl like an arab lady. When Ben Affleck and I are out in public together, I cover myself in a shawl, walk three feet behind him, and keep my eyes to the floor. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned my lesson. And Mary Poppins–have you seen the new Mary Poppins? She’s freakin hot now. I had a dream about her last night, she was beating me with her umbrella and cramming pears down my throat. It was the most powerful orgasm I’ve ever had.…
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H. Seitz
December 17, 2018
Divine Advice
Amanda Heard, Amanda Peet, Amy Adams, Aquaman, Brie Larson, Captain Marvel, Disney, Get Out, Google, Hillary Clinton, Jenna Fisher, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Johnny Galecki, Justin Long, Margot Robbie, MCU, Pearl Jam, Satan, Sue Storm, The Invisible Girl, The Invisible Woman
Dear DA, No one seems to be able to decide whether I’m hot or not. I mean for a regular person, obviously I’m hot, but for a starlet, I’m kind of average and forgettable. I’m so replaceable I don’t even remind anyone of anyone, like some of the other clones do (like Amy Adams and the Australian version, or whatsherface in Get Out and Amanda Peet). Anyway, what I’m really worried about is Captain Marvel. I think Disney may have overestimated the strength and duration of the SJW trend. Some of them are running around in ski masks now terrorising people, and that kind of look and behavior is difficult to rationalize, even for people who are used to being hypocrites. Meanwhile, Aquaman is blowing up in China. And that girl, Amanda Heard? What the hell? That isn’t even fair, to have women who look like that running around. She’s…
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H. Seitz
November 19, 2018
Divine Advice
Allison Williams, Amanda Peet, Amy Adams, Bugs Bunny, Clint Eastwood, Get Out, Isla Fisher, Jenna Fischer, Jesus, Jordan Peele, Kaley Cuoco, Kat Dennings, Lena Dunham, Satan
Dear DA, I’m one of those hot, relatively young, interchangeable actresses in the mold of Amy Adams, Jenna Fischer, and Isla Fisher, except I’m a slightly newer model in the Amanda Peet mold. You may have seen me in Get Out. I play the evil hot white girl. I also play an evil hot white girl in the show Girls, which co-stars Lena Dunham, another evil white girl. The truth about hot white girls, and even ones who are kind of ugly like Lena Dunham, is that we’re all kind of evil. All women are. Anyway, like Amanda Peet, I’m a lean, taut, blue-eyed brunette, and you can kind of tell that I’m evil just by looking at me, which is irresistible to most men. I was perfectly cast in Get Out. If you want to lure black men to their doom and Amanda Peet is out of town, you…
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H. Seitz
November 12, 2018
Divine Advice
Al Roker, Aquaman, Batman, Beyonce, Captain America, Don Lemon, Goulies, Hitler, Jesus, John Legend, John Lennon, Johnny Storm, Namor, Nazis, Satan, Stan Winston, Superman, Teddy Ruxpin, The Beatles, the Human Torch, The Invaders, The Submariner, WOnder Woman, Yoko Ono
Dear DA, I’ve taken some heat recently for pointing out that whenever there’s a mass shooting, it’s almost always a crazy white guy who’s responsible. It’s the same with terrorism. You hear about a terrorist attack and you automatically assume that Muslims are involved because 99% of the time, they are. Is it racist to notice? According to SJWs, I’m definitely racist against Muslims, but I can’t be racist against whites. To be racist against whites, I’d have to take a vacation to some country in Africa where black people are in charge. Power + prejudice = racism. It works the same way for Superman. He can be racist against anyone, except for when he’s exposed to kryptonite. This is why Superman always goes off on anti-Semitic rants whenever he’s exposed to kryptonite. He finally has a chance to get it out of his system without technically being a racist.…
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Bridget McCrea
November 5, 2018
Divine Advice
Bubbles, chimp, Jesus, Lilith, Michael Jackson, Satan
Dear DA, Why aren’t animals included in the LGBTQ community? Specism is real people. Do you know how difficult is to be a gay animal with no support network? For some of the “lesser” animals, I get it. Chickens and cows can go to hell as far as I’m concerned. The world is not a perfect place. Players gotta player and people gotta eat. But animals like dogs, cats, and especially primates, deserve agency and consideration. I was rich. I had it all. Roller coasters, fresh bananas, and a gold leaf tower to hurl my feces at. An indoor gold leaf tower, and it was self-cleaning because we hired Mexicans to clean it. Aside from being a chimp, I’m also a homosexual. When Michael Jackson dumped me, I lost everything. As a chimp, I had no legal standing, and as a homosexual, I had no community. There are still no…
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Dennis Jenkins
October 29, 2018
Divine Advice
Bill Clinton, Brookstone, Catherine the Great, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Jesus Christ, Satan, The Devil
Dear Divine Advice, Is it possible that this is the first time I’ve ever written in? I know that my name pops up a lot in your columns, mostly because of the fact that my husband and I are revolting people. We don’t have to go through the list (it’s extensive), but I get it, we really are awful. So, I have a confession to make. Even after losing the Presidential race a couple of years back, I still want to get into the Oval Office. A lot of people assume it’s because I am a power craving egomaniac, which is true, but….here it is, I really just want to fuck a horse. Catherine the Great has always been a great source of inspiration to me, and I’ve always associated great political power with Horse fucking. It’s a little-known secret that every U.S. President …yes, every one, fucks a horse…
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