Tag Archive: Keanu Reeves
The Skull Island Times > Keanu Reeves
Ryan Klemek
December 3, 2021
Movies and Television, Reviews
Anthony Hopkins, Apocalypse Now, Bram Stoker's Dracula, C. Thomas Howell, Cam Neely, Cary Elwes, Ed Jackson, Emilio Estevez, Farrelly brothers, Francis Ford Coppola, Gary Oldman, Goodfellas, Heart of Darkness, Keanu Reeves, Marlon Brando, Martin Sheen, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Rob Lowe, The Expendables, The Matrix, The Outsiders, Theodore “Ted” Logan the third, Tom Cruise, Tom Waits, Winona Ryder
Francis Ford Coppola is an overrated hack. There, I said it. His only entertaining movie is one that most people hate: Bram Stoker’s Dracula, starring Keanu Reeves, Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Cary Elwes, and Tom Waits. It’s melodramatic, over-the-top, pure campy fun, and it’s completely out of character for the usually dull, pretentious FFC. But what about The Godfather? The fact that so many people say it’s their favorite movie is the most compelling piece of evidence that we’re all living in some fucked-up simulation. The one time I tried to watch this piece of garbage, I found myself staring at a vase on the shelf next to the TV because what was on the screen couldn’t keep my attention. It was a pretty handsome vase, but there weren’t even any flowers in it. Also, my neck got really sore because I kept falling asleep and my head…
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H. Seitz
October 28, 2019
Divine Advice
Adam Driver, Al Pacino, Antman and the Wasp, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Cape Fear, Captain America, Citizen Kane, Daisy Ridley, Eugene Levy, Goodfellas, Iron Man, Joe Pesci, Keanu Reeves, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mad Magazine, Martin Scorsese, Marvel, Raging Bull, Robert De Niro, Rocky, Star Wars, The Age of Innocence, The Avengers, The Bicycle Thief, The Godfather, The Irishman, Thor: Ragnarok, Tigerbeat, Winona Ryder
Dear DA, Are you looking forward to Star Wars 9? That title sounds like a Mad Magazine parody. I’ve been tricked and let down so many times, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. And why did they have to get a guy with such a weird face? For Christ’s sake, keep the helmet on! There are a lot of cute boys out there who’d be more than happy to shake it for The Mouse. They should’ve done what I do and gone through back issues of TigerBeat. That’s how I found Leo and Bobby DeNiro. If you can’t pull off a TigerBeat cover, what good are you? You think these people are paying to watch you act? You get up there and you shake it, boy, and that goes double for the ladies. Speaking of which, what kind of parents name their kid Daisy? There was…
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H. Seitz
August 26, 2019
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Andrew Yang, Angelina Jolie, Face/Off, Ghost Rider, Gone in 60 Seconds, Hyundai Elantra, Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, Nicolas Cage, Speed
Dear DA, I know I seem like a buffoon for spending all of my money on alpacas and Hyundai Elantras so the alpacas can have demolition derbys in the Elantras to entertain the many fine and strange prostitutes that inhabit each of my many mansions, but it’s like you said, it’s harder for a rich man to get into heaven than to dry hump a camel through the eye of the needle, dude. So I blow all my money and think of it as an investment in my angel’s wings. After all, you can’t take it with you (can you?) and I have my earthly needs. Ghost Rider should have been in that movie with Thanos. I was actually banking on it, as that would have been truer to the comics, but those Disney people screwed me. That mouse has got teeth. Everyone warned me, but I didn’t listen. So…
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H. Seitz
August 27, 2018
Divine Advice
Aziz Ansari, capoeira, Donald Trump, Dustin Hoffman, George H. W. Bush, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus Christ, Keanu Reeves, Lazarus, Marvel, Meet The Fockers, Morgan Freeman, Old Testament, Robert De Niro, Satan, The Devil, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, You may remember the multiple allegations of sexual misconduct against me. Then again, if you’re like almost everyone else, maybe you don’t. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m was barely 5’6” in my prime and I’m 81 years old now. It’s like that other guy, the old swartza, the guy with the voice? Whathisface? He was in a prison movie and he played god? Morgan Freeman! He’s old now, too. So that’s a big part of it. Of course I’m going to deny everything because I have absolutely no memory of any of it and I’ll be dead soon anyway. What are they gonna do to me? Castrate me? That thing hasn’t worked properly in 20 years anyway. I can barely even piss anymore. They’d be doing me a favor. The other reason is because I’m so old. I got accused of…
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