Tag Archive: Jennifer Garner
The Skull Island Times > Jennifer Garner
Ryan Klemek
May 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Amber Heard, Ben Affleck, Boondock Saints, Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant, J-Lo, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, Minnie Driver, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Williams, Satan, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Trivia Pursuit
Dear Divine Advice, Why does Ben get nicknames and I don’t? I have a nickname for him, Ben Affleck the Big Dumb Que– Wait a second, I wasn’t about to say what you think, I was going to say Que– Dammit, “Queen’ kind of means the same thing. Where the hell is my Harvard vocabulary when I need it? Anyway, to move on to less potentially “cancel worthy” topics, how is it that 14-year-old Catholic schoolgirls know more about satisfying a woman than I do? At least no one is slamming me for putting my foot in my mouth, and frankly, I’m grateful that I, Matt Damon, one of the most/least versatile actors of all time, is kind of irrelevant now and therefore becoming “hip” again. The world has much bigger problems to worry about than what Matt Damon says, like that Johnny Depp Amber Heard trial. I let Ben…
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H. Seitz
January 15, 2022
Divine Advice
Austin Powers, Ben Affleck, Bourne Identity, Good Will Hunting, J-Lo, Jason Bourne, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Lopez, Jesus, Jimmy Kimmel, Matt Damon, Mini Me, Sarah SIlverman, Satan, Ted Knight, Verne Troyer
Dear DA, I stepped on a newspaper some slob left on the sidewalk, whatever it was, it smelled like dogshit, and it made my dog Carlos bolt. I tried to chase him, but I slipped on the newspaper and ended up covered in dogshit. As I’m cleaning myself off, I see my ex with J-Lo and they both see me and I just want to die. I know I’m no J-Lo, but I try to keep it high and tight. Why do you think I did all those Bourne movies? Anyway, as any normal guy would do, I started hanging around the park. I wanted to catch that irresponsible asshole who let his dog dump all over the sidewalk. So I’m standing by the playground, and it’s like a pedophile in reverse. This kid starts staggering up to me, she looks just like me, same potato head and dead eyes,…
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H. Seitz
September 23, 2019
Divine Advice
Aflac, Batman, Ben Affleck, Boston Tea Party, Derek Jeter, Dr. Strange, Dwayne Johnson, James Bond, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Robert Pattinson, Satan, Spiderman, The Rock, Twilight, Vision
Dear DA, The Rock wants to beat me up, and it’s not like I’m afraid of him or anything, but you’ve got to help me. The truth is, I could totally kick his ass, but I can’t risk using my karate on him. I’m actually a double black belt, so I’m not even really allowed to fight him. The whole thing started because of Derek Jeter. I was on the ESPYs with him and he was taller than me, and that’s a problem. First of all, it’s rude. Doesn’t that guy have enough already? Secondly, I’ve kind of been lying about my height. I’m already tall, but everyone lies, so everyone else has to lie or it doesn’t make any sense. If I’m supposedly 6’4” and Jeter is 6’3” and he’s taller than me, the entire facade begins to crumble. I tried to talk some sense into him and out…
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H. Seitz
April 2, 2018
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Attack of the Clones, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Child's Play, Chucky, Ewan McGregor, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Matt Damon, Obi Wan Kenobi, Revenge of the Sith, Satan, Star Wars, Stuck On You, The Phantom Menace, We Bought a Zoo
Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
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H. Seitz
November 20, 2017
Divine Advice
Al Franken, Batfleck, Batman, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, the Joker, Val Kiilmer
I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to come right out and say it. For most of my adult life, I’ve been dressing up as a giant bat at night to go out and fight with clowns. I say clowns plural because, well, clowns are kind of hard to tell apart. This was the whole reason for my no killing rule. The first time I went out, I basically murdered an innocent clown. I’m also color blind, so that doesn’t help at all. Clowns are a lot tougher than they look. A lot tougher. The Joker, the main clown I fight with, started out as a circus clown. I know he has a lot of other origin stories, but trust me, I know. He was just a regular circus clown, and I guess being a circus clown is a pretty lousy job. In addition to being…
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RK Galaga
August 7, 2017
Divine Advice
Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, John Travolta, Lucifer
I am very upset and frustrated! For some reason, there have been a lot of rumors circulating around Hollywood that I am gay. I just don’t get it! I’m as Hetero as they come! First, let me say how much I respect ALL people, but especially those who are in the LGBTQ community. In fact, I have a ton of Gay friends, like my dear friend, John Travolta. John and I spend a lot of time together, and while he is definitely gay, I can assure you that I am not. Seriously, though, why are there so many gay rumors about me? Am I being gay when John Travolta and I engage in anal sex? Of course not! That’s just a couple of buddies “horsin around”. Was I being gay the time that I gave John Travolta a blow job and took his balls to my chin so many times…
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