Tag Archive: Ariana Grande
The Skull Island Times > Ariana Grande
H. Seitz
December 2, 2019
Divine Advice
Ariana Grande, Disney, Jesus, Mickey Mouse, Satan, Starbucks, The Twilight Zone
Dear DA, You ever see the episode of The Twilight Zone where the lady rubs cream on her face that makes her young and beautiful, but every time it wears off, she’s like super old and even uglier, so she has to keep using it like every four hours or something or she’ll turn into a deformed old troll if she stops? Yeah, that. And Disney also has me on these puberty-blocking hormones so I have the body of an 11-year old even though I’m really 103 (long story). So I’m stuck in this weird place where I have grey pubic hair and no boobs and I have to keep smearing this cream all over myself or I’ll turn into a ghost, and the cream is like $79 a bucket and all I have are these e-coins. I guess this is the price of pop perfection, and the deal I…
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H. Seitz
December 10, 2018
Divine Advice
Ariana Grande, Elf, Ewan McGregor, Katy Perry, Keisha, Kevin Spacey, New Girl, Obi Wan Kenobi, Russell Brand, Thanos, The Phantom Menace, Zooey Deschanel
Dear DA, I started out as a blow-up sex doll my father bought from a little porn shop in Santa Barbara, but I prayed really hard and a magic fairy turned me into a real little girl. This made things really awkward for my family, especially my dad. They’re all like super religious, but like most religious people, they’re also enormous hypocrites, so everything worked out alright in the end. At least until now. No one cares about Katy Perry anymore. I was worried about those Japanese sex robots. You know how the Japanese love karaoke? It’s only a matter of time before they build a karaoke machine into a sex robot and BAM!–you basically have Katy Perry or Keisha or any of us really. But it turns out I’m already obsolete. I guess I should be grateful I made it as long as I did. I am 34, which…
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H. Seitz
December 7, 2018
Horoscopes
Ariana Grande, Aries, Barack Obama, Beyonce, Cancer, Capricorn, Charles Manson, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Ed Gein, Elvis Presley, Gemini, Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica ALba, John Wayne Gacy, Kayne West, Leo, Libra, Matt Damon, Meryl Streep, Muhammad Ali, Neve Campbell, Pancreatic, Pol Pot, Rosa Parks, Sagittarius, Saoirse Ronan, Scorpio, Shakira, Taurus, Taylor Swift, Ted Bundy, Virgo
Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project. Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t…
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