H. Seitz
October 2, 2017
Fiction
I like buying groceries. I like the buying part. But groceries are always a source of stress. I buy this food, cabbages, cauliflower, chorizo, bread, cheese, milk, coffee. I don’t worry about the coffee. I don’t worry about the chorizo or cheese until after I’ve opened their packaging. The cabbage I don’t worry about too much either. I’ve never had cabbage go bad on me. But the cauliflower, bread, and milk, I begin to worry about immediately. I have to have some sort of plan to eat it before it goes bad, and in order to eat those things, I need to open the chorizo and sometimes the cheese, which adds to the pressure. It seems like I have too much food, but never enough. Enough to worry about it rotting, but not enough so I’m not daily going back to a grocery store or deli. I need small amounts…
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Ryan Klemek
September 25, 2017
Divine Advice
Blair Witch, Confucius, Gandhi, Jesus, Lucifer, Satan
Today’s Divine Advice question was submitted by one of our readers. Dear Divine advice, I know we aren’t on good terms, I am a witch, and I learned that back when I uh developed a little more into womanhood so to speak. I am a water and earth witch, meaning I have a strong connection and bond to the Earth and Sea. I realize how awkward this must be, seeing as I acknowledge you, Jesus, as a human, and Satan as a fallen angel. I don’t really worship you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be civil and help one another. I digress, Today I had an encounter where some lady tried to tell me that me taking care of the earth and being a friend to the earth is a sin, and that I will burn in hell. I am a witch, so burning is a fate we must…
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H. Seitz
September 23, 2017
Fiction
I sat on the edge of the bed, or whatever you call them. The half bed, half psychiatrist’s couch, half gym mat thing that they always put you on in examining rooms. It’s covered in butcher’s paper so none of you directly touches it, but it still smells old and dirty, like a bad odor covered by another, stronger bad odor. Time elapsed without elapsing. I might have been waiting 10 minutes, an hour, 30 seconds. I kept forgetting and remembering myself, where I was and what I was doing. Maybe I belonged here. I thought about going to sleep, but knew that it wouldn’t work out for me. Either the doctor would arrive immediately, or I would just lie there, smelling the smells and staring at the ceiling. “Ah, Mr. ____ . How are we doing today?” He had materialized in front of me. I hadn’t heard the door…
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H. Seitz
September 18, 2017
Divine Advice
Amy Schumer, Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry, Jennifer Lawrence, Jesus, Mike Tyson, Monster's Ball, Ron Jeremy, Satan
Dear DA, My cat is slut-shaming me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m at my wit’s end. My cat’s name is Fluffy, she’s a good cat, she got pregnant once before I got her fixed so she should understand that these things happen, but she’s been such a bitch lately. I went out with Ron, who’s a pretty nice guy, it was our first date. Yes, I had sex with him, no big deal, it’s 2017, right? But when I got home, Fluffy kept judging me, she stared at me, like I was a whore. I told her it wasn’t polite to slut shame me like that and she just kept staring at me. I woke up the next morning and Fluffy was sitting my chest, staring at me. She opened her mouth and meowed at me, and I swear to God, the meow sounded like…
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H. Seitz
September 14, 2017
Fiction
When my first girlfriend dumped me, it was a new kind of hurt. The songs we had listened to, the fading odors of her hair on the pillows. the smell of her clean body on the towels. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I sat in my underwear all day and night, sometimes for over 36 hours at a time, playing video games (mainly Shining Force) and drinking Georgi Vodka with generic ice tea mix. I took breaks to sleep and to go out to buy more vodka and cigarettes. It was a cold winter, but I had a car, I could make it to the car in just a bathrobe and shoes. Driving to the liquor shop, I thought about her. I was young and stupid in a way that I’ll never be again. I was ashamed of myself then and I’m ashamed of it now, but I was…
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H. Seitz
September 11, 2017
Divine Advice
Jesus, Kanye West, Lucifer, Taylor Swift
Dear DA, I broke my pinky toe, the doctor said it doesn’t need a cast and I can still walk around, no big deal. So I’m walking around my hood and I end up behind a guy with a mangled foot. I can still wear normal shoes, no one can see anything is wrong with me, but I’m limping along behind this guy and people start giving me dirty looks, they think I’m mocking him, so I try to walk normal, but that makes it worse. The guy with the mangled foot turned around and gave me a dirty look and I started crying. My other sin, like most people, I love pornography, but I’m really into feces fights or shit fights. The name of the site is brown ploopy and they always refer to shit as brown ploopy and I love it, it really rubs my nub if you…
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H. Seitz
September 7, 2017
Editorial
Black Panther, Bruce Banner, Hulk, Solomon Grundy, Superman
Hulk drive car other day, Hulk drive good, but immediately cop pull Hulk over. He ask license, registration. Hulk confused. Hulk no remember how Hulk end up in car. Cop ask Hulk step out car, do sobriety test. He call Hulk in radio, radio tell Hulk only have Learner’s permit, need supervision experienced driver. Also, car registered Bruce Banner. Who Bruce Banner? Hulk no know. Cop mad, shift almost over, now, must wait tow truck. Car no reported stolen, so Hulk OK. Hulk hear on news, dangerous drive while black, dangerous drive while monster, so Hulk always bring tape recorder. Hulk fall asleep, wake up in car other side of town. Hulk listen to tape recorder, cop ask “who you?”, man answer Bruce Banner, tell cop he supervise Hulk, Hulk drive to park car while in bathroom. Bruce Banner naked, cop try arrest indecent exposure. Bruce Banner drive away and…
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H. Seitz
September 4, 2017
Divine Advice
Jesus, Katie Holmes, Keith Urban, Lucifer, Nicole Kidman, Oprah Winfrey, Satan, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, I’ve been struggling with my weight all my life. The best advice I ever got was to just do more of the things I already love doing. For example, if I love walking, I should walk more. So what I want to know is, how many calories do I burn masturbating? Smoking a cigarette? Drinking beer? Watching an hour of TV? Eating a donut? I know beer has a lot of calories, but doesn’t it take calories for your liver to burn away the alcohol? Also, how many carbs are in whiskey? Also, why don’t most sweatpants have pockets anymore, and why are the pockets so small? Where am I supposed to keep my keys and my donuts when I go out jogging? Thank you in advance for the calorie information, and let me know where I can buy a decent pair of sweats. Sincerely, Oprah Winfrey If you…
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H. Seitz
August 24, 2017
Editorial
China, Europe, Gulf of Aden, Hulk, Red Sea, Suez Canal, TPP, Trans-Pacific Partnership
Since Roman Empire, Indian Ocean key to trade between Europe, Asia and Middle East. Suez canal and Red Sea vital strategic entry points. This why Yemen, Gulf of Aden, key to international trade. Even ancient Hulks know, control vital trade route key to control or at least stabilize world. By abandoning TPP, current administration compromising influence and stability in region. China likely to fill vacuum. Strategic and financial loyalty move from US to China. In already unstable, fractured world, now not time to cut all ties. Hulk no foreign policy wonk, but flawed as TPP, world still better when nation have vested interest in other nation, when nation talk and work and compromise. Hulk say improve flaw of TPP, not abandon. Maybe Hulk solution not perfect, Hulk mind scattered, sometimes like two minds. Hulk wake up, Hulk not know how or why Hulk get here. But message still clear. In…
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RK Galaga
August 21, 2017
Fiction
hot dogs, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Nathan's, Satan, Takeru Kobayashi
Growing up, my father always wanted me to be an athlete. “Quit being a pussy musician and learn combat skills,” he used to say. The recorder was my instrument of choice, and if he caught me playing it, I got “the belt”. It’s not like I didn’t try to be good at sports. I was just a doughy kid who didn’t have the heart of a champion. That is, until the day I discovered the glorious, gluttonous spectacle they call competitive eating. Finally, a sport where fatties finish first! Well, that is what I assumed anyway. In small, local tournaments, I held my own. The sheer size of my stomach was enough to beat the lightweights in Latham, NY. However, once I made it to the national level, I discovered that genetics of a different sort gave skinny kids the edge. The day I met Takeru Kobayashi was a humbling,…
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