Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
June 1, 2021
Divine Advice
Batman, Jesus, Jor-El, Justice League, Kal-El, Krypton, Kryptonite, Lana Lang, Lara, Lex Luthor, Lois Lane, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Phantom Zone, Satan, Superman
Dear DA, I went into a bookstore a few days ago–I know, I know, I can’t believe any of them exist anymore, either. Anyway, I went in, and I noticed that you guys are in the religion section, while Thor, Zeus, and some of my other pals are in mythology, or fantasy. And I wasn’t even really in the store. There were non-fiction books about me, but no tales of my heroic deeds, which I can live with, but feel is a bit unfair. You guys send locusts and plagues and destroy entire cities for sodomy, while I’ve saved the world more times than I can count, and you can’t find me unless you go into a comic book store. In any case, none of this really bothers me. As Superman, I’m above that kind of pettiness, but it did begin to make me worry. I know you’re planning on…
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H. Seitz
May 10, 2021
Divine Advice
Apple, Bill Gate, Clippy, Deadpool, Jeff Bezos, Jesus, Karan Soni, Melinda Gates, Microsoft, Satan, Steve Jobs, Windows Vista
Dear DA, I just paid 60 billion to divorce a woman I had an open marriage with. While that might seem ridiculous to most, you have no idea how much we annoyed each other. She hated my geeky little laugh, and I could tell she hated it. Sometimes, after sex, she would just stare at me with glaring disdain. For her part, she never ran out of ways to be a “philanthropist” with my money. I was like Melinda, honey, could you just turn it off for one minute, and she slapped me for being so insensitive to the oppression of others. I would have slapped her back, or had one of my goons do it, since I’m not 100% sure I could take her, but times have changed. These same goons who helped me amass my billions in the 90s are now considered to be “problematic.” My advice for…
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H. Seitz
May 3, 2021
Divine Advice
Abraham, Chris Christie, Dobby, Donald Trump, Dracula, Eric Trump, Harry Potter, Isaac, Renfield, Rudy Giuliani
Dear DA, Do you think I could pass for a house elf like Dobby from the Harry Potter books? God how I love those books, and I need them now more than ever. Thank God that at least Trump stood up for me, and he’s right. This entire thing is so unfair, just like everything that ever goes wrong for me. The FBI warned me about Russian interference in the 2020 presidential election, and of course I ignored them because they’re a part of the deep state. Then they warned me again and I ignored them again. And then suddenly, out of the blue, they’re raiding my home? Seems kind of suspicious if you ask me. The last time I checked, the President is more powerful than the FBI. Or at least he’s supposed to be. He tells me to jump off a bridge or go to Ukraine to help…
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H. Seitz
April 26, 2021
Divine Advice
Birth of a Nation, COVID, Derek Chauvin, George Floyd, Jesus, Mission Impossible, Satan, Tom Cruise
Dear DA, I really screwed up, and most of it isn’t even because I’m a blatant racist. You know how if you have a job for long enough, you kind of start to blow it off? It’s like every year, I have to watch a sensitivity training video again? Or get my eyes checked so I can be recertified to use a firearm? And this bullshit never ends. I stopped doing all of that crap years ago, and it kind of bled over into my work on the streets. You hear enough people begging for mercy or to be treated like human beings, and you just kind of grow numb to it. The pressure was also starting to get to me. A regular arrest, like what was caught on film, I practically sleep through. You know what kind of calls I get? People used to complain to me about stray…
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H. Seitz
April 19, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Antonin Scalia, AOC, Capitol Riots, Chuck Schumer, Damn Yankees, George Washington, Hinduism, Iced Earth, John Wayne, Jon Shaeffer, Nancy Pelosi, Shiva, Strom Thurmond, Ted Nugent, The Duke, Thomas Jefferson
Dear DA, Jon Shaeffer, the frontman of the band Iced Earth, is the first to plead guilty to the Capital Riots. He’s also in the far-right group Oath Keeper, which honestly, I’ve never even heard of before. Have I lost a step? And please, be honest with me. I can’t help thinking that if this had happened 10 years ago, it would have been me pleading guilty to the Capital Riots. I blame the Damn Yankees. We’ve all gone broke and have been practicing for our “big comeback.” If I wasn’t so busy with those idiots and my stupid guitars, it would have been me at that riot, and that would have done more for my record sales than any pathetic Damn Yankees reunion. Does anyone even know more than one song by us? What I find the most troubling is that if I was off about this, maybe I’ve…
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H. Seitz
April 11, 2021
Divine Advice
Anthony Hopkins, Ben Shapiro, Boris Johnson, Charlottesville, Koch Brothers, Mitch McConnell, Piers Morgan, Rush Limbaugh, Sir Ian McKellen, Spice Girls
Dear DA, Let’s dish. First of all, I don’t believe in 90% of the crap I spout. I’m just not talented or smart enough to do anything else. Believe me, I’ve tried, but I guess you could say I turned to the darkside. Rush was getting old, and I saw a void to fill, and here I am, ready to take over. The reason I walked off that British TV show is because frankly, I miscalculated. I thought the English had become as stupid as Americans, but they’re not quite there yet. I realized that about a minute in and figured fuck it, why waste my time? Another little secret I’ll let you in on: Moscow Mitch is half Smurf, and that’s why he was half-purple. It was too hot and his makeup was running. As a mensch, I don’t really believe in the afterlife or hell, but just in…
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H. Seitz
April 8, 2021
Fiction
Burger King, Charlton Heston, The Ten Commandments, Whopper
Or more accurately, days I partially remember. I can’t recall why, but I was stuck late at high school during a blizzard. By the time I left, all the busses were gone, and my usual route home, through a path across a patch of forest, was impossible. There was at least three feet of snow on the ground. My only choice was to take the driveway out of the school and use the roads, which were being plowed and salted hourly. It added about a mile to my trip, but I figured it was easier than trudging through the snow. It was a bad decision, but I’ll never know if it was the wrong or worse one. The road was covered in slush and cars kept splattering me. Within minutes, I was drenched from head to toe and freezing. About halfway home, I reached a Burger King and stopped to…
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H. Seitz
March 29, 2021
Divine Advice
Brian Kemp, candiru, Donald Trump, Governor of Georgia, Hamilton, Indianapolis 500, Indy 500, Jesus, Michael Phelps, Mike Trout, NASCAR, Satan, saw, sawshark, shark, Talladega Nights, Tiger Woods
Dear DA, I can’t be 100% honest with the lamestream media, but I’m just going to come out and say it: I don’t want Black people, Mexicans, or Asians voting, citizens or not. This country has been going downhill ever since the 19th Amendment. We gave women the right to vote and BAM! Ten years later, the Great Depression, then WW2. We let these “people of color” vote, we’re just asking for WW3, and the economy is already tanking. Now I appreciate ladies and Blacks just as much as anyone, but there’s a time and place for everything. For women, that’s barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, and for Black people, it’s on the basketball court, the football field, the baseball diamond, stand up comedy, boxing, running, and really just about everything, but not voting. For rich Black men who are Republicans and own land, we should officially just declare…
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H. Seitz
March 22, 2021
Divine Advice
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, CrossFit, Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Playboy, qanon
Photo credit: marjorietaylorgreene.com
Dear DA, I know a lot of people are trying to cancel me right now, but aren’t we all forgetting about the most fundamental American rights we have? We each have the right to be stupid, hateful, bigoted buffoons. This is what made America great, and what will make America great again. You can’t cancel someone for being a wall-eyed moron. You’d have to cancel over half of the people on earth. What the libtards call bigotry I call loyalty to my people, the real Americans who are white, go to church, and repress their homosexual urges. The way I was raised, if you were born an asymmetrical doofus, you learned to live with it. You didn’t try to do a bunch of fancy book learning just so you could use a slightly cleaner bathroom. I know Jesus has got my warped back on this one. So thank you in…
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H. Seitz
March 8, 2021
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Etch-A-Sketch, G.I. Joe, Jesus Christ, Karl Marx, NASCAR, Pornhub, Satan
Dear DA, Why did you create me? Did you set everything in motion with the big bang, and then just sit back as everything unfolded, or are you actively involved in everything? Assuming you did actively create me, I think you might have made a terrible mistake. I’m just going to keep mutating and getting worse forever. There are already at least 14 different new strains of me, but I guess calling me COVID-33 now would be just too depressing, and we’ll get there soon enough anyway. I understand that there are just too many damn people, but you’ve basically turned the entire world into purgatory. The guy I’m infecting now, the poor bastard hasn’t really left his apartment in a year. He hasn’t kissed a girl in at least a year (but I’m guessing it’s probably been much longer–not everything is my fault). He just mopes around all day,…
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