Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
April 30, 2018
Divine Advice
Hillary Clinton, Hitler, Jesus Christ, Rachel Maddow, Satan, Stifler's Mom
Dear DA, I’m basically a more masculine version of Where’s Waldo come to life. But while I don’t stand out in a crowd, I can be difficult to ignore. Especially for birds. Wherever I go, the birds are terrified. They start flapping and clucking or chirping or whatever. Then they fly away. Eventually, everyone flies away. I’ve done a lot of impossible things in my life. My family is very Catholic, but I’m a Rhodes Scholar. And when I was in high school, I could slam dunk a tennis ball. But now, as a 45-year-old lesbian, I feel like my life is missing something. (And it isn’t cock. Don’t you dare say it’s cock.) I’ve got a great career, a great partner, and I’m pretty much right about almost everything. So why do I feel so empty and tortured inside? Am I having a midlife crisis? Hasta la vista, baby,…
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H. Seitz
April 23, 2018
Divine Advice
Charles in Charge, Fonzie, Fozzie Bear, George W. Bush, Happy Days, Henry Winkler, Nicole Eggert, Scott Baio, Stephen Baldwin, The Fonz
Dear DA, In light of the recent political climate, I am very concerned about my iconic portrayal of the Fonz. Having sex with all those teenage girls in the garage of some kid I bullied, heyyy!. This is America. Nothing wrong with that. But my treatment of jukeboxes troubles me. Is this AI thing for real? And will the robots realize that I’m just an actor, that I had no choice but to hit those machines? If I had known then what I know now, I would have snapped my fingers at the jukeboxes and hit the teenage girls instead. Like a normal adult pretending to be a teenager in the 50s. Heyyy! I’m concerned because the AI might learn from the Fonz that this is the best way to solve your problems. Something not obeying you or doing what you want it to? Thwack! And here comes that sweet…
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H. Seitz
April 16, 2018
Divine Advice
Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper, David Hasselhoff, Emma Stone, Jennifer Lawrence, Jesus, Jonah Hill, Lindsay Lohan, Satan, Ted Knight, Turbo-Teen
Dear DA, Thank you for making Lindsay Lohan go crazy and allowing me to fill the void. Honestly, I can’t quite fill some of her voids, but close enough. If you’ve been following my career, you’ve probably noticed that I’m kind of unbearable, but I can get away with it because I’m also so boring. For a woman with red hair, I really am unbelievably blank. Which is why I can play Asian women and lesbian tennis players and some lady who was a friend to the blacks. Even my boyfriend is boring. I can’t even remember his name. It’s like the cat, that famous cartoon cat. The one that likes lasagna. You know that riddle, if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Well my question, if I play an Asian lady, but no one sees the…
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H. Seitz
April 11, 2018
Fiction
I’d always had a theory that if someone wasn’t making you uncomfortable, you were making them uncomfortable. There is no such thing as a mutual relative peace. Peace, or at least a lack of being uncomfortable, is unusual enough to make other people uncomfortable. Charlie and I were taking a break when I told him my theory. Charlie was an ex-boxer from Nigeria. A heavyweight. And he was one of the happiest people I’d ever met in my life. Even now, with both of us dragging 300 pound hand trucks around midtown for minimum wage, he was happy. “I think your theory is true.” I had never seen Charlie uncomfortable. Our boss had been yelling at him back at the truck, telling him that he talked too much, and Charlie had laughed at him and said “Yes! I talk too much! Me! Hahahahahah! I talk too much!” while stomping around…
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H. Seitz
April 9, 2018
Divine Advice
Chris Pratt, Ghost, Harvey Weinstein, Jason Patrick, Jesus, Kevin Spacey, Louis C. K., Parks and Recreations, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, Satan, Speed II, St. Elmo's Fire, Star-Lord, The Karate Kid, Youngblood
Dear DA, As a highly woke individual who looks like he’s carved out of soap AND rich AND famous, I’m writing in to apologize on behalf of the Weinsteins, Spaceys, and Louis C.K.s of the world. I had a bit of a scandal in the 80s when I had sex with two underaged girls and videotaped it, but there’s a big difference between what I did and what the Weinstein types did. In my case, I’m handsome, so people have sex with me because they want to have sex with me, whereas with Harvey and the others, people have sex with them because they want to be in a movie or are accosted by a drunk or have a comedy dream or whatever. Obviously, I’m better than them, but I don’t think you should be too hard on them. When you’re fat, old, drunk, and ugly, it’s almost impossible to…
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H. Seitz
April 2, 2018
Fiction
You have to be suspicious of the old and the dimwitted. Especially if they’re your coworkers. And you have to be careful. The first job I had, after paperboy, I worked with this dimwitted deaf mute. He wasn’t completely deaf or mute, but enough to get out of doing the worst parts of the job. “Noel, could you bring up a bucket of tomato sauce. Noel! Christ, will one of you assholes just get the damn sauce?” And someone else would do it. But whenever break time came or it was time to cut someone out, Noel’s hearing and ability to communicate dramatically improved. One night one of us, maybe me, tested him. “Noel, could you bring up a bucket of clams? Noel! You dumb worthless mutherfucker.” “Wha? Wha you say? Fucka you too man! Fuck you!” But it didn’t change anything. Maybe he was too stupid to realize the…
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H. Seitz
April 2, 2018
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Attack of the Clones, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Child's Play, Chucky, Ewan McGregor, Jennifer Garner, Jesus, Matt Damon, Obi Wan Kenobi, Revenge of the Sith, Satan, Star Wars, Stuck On You, The Phantom Menace, We Bought a Zoo
Dear DA, I feel like I kind of monopolize you guys. I keep writing in and you must be sick of me. So this time I’m wearing a disguise so you won’t know it’s me. I’m just an average everyday guy asking an average everyday question that all guys can relate to. If you were in love with Ben Affleck for 25 years but stuck in the friendzone, how would you get yourself out? I’ve tried everything. Exercise, cocaine, spandex, orgies. I figured I might be able to sneak in during an orgy, but the Bat Cave is well guarded. I call it the Bat Cave because like most average guys, the guy I have a crush on played Batman in a major motion picture. You’ve gotta help me. I’m not getting any younger. Truth be told, I’m actually already 67 years old. All those Bourne movies where I’m muscled…
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H. Seitz
March 26, 2018
Divine Advice
Apocalypse, Indiana Jones, Indy, Jump, Marion Ravenwood, Mastema, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Ready Player One, Steven Spielberg, Van Halen, Yahweh
Dear Yahweh and Mastema, This is already awkward enough for a Jew, coming to you two for help, but I didn’t know where else to turn. I’m getting on in years. Frankly, I don’t even remember how old I am. But it doesn’t really matter. I’ve lived a long, happy, blessed life. Or so I thought. Supposedly I made a robot, a cross-dressing robot, and made it touch little kids? And I filmed it? And this robot, at least in the film, had the power to make children sexually assault each other? What the hell? I look into my heart and it tells me no way, but my damn memory! And the heart wants what the heart wants. Maybe I don’t want to remember. They also said something about zombie frogs and cruelty to animals? Please tell me I didn’t do this. But if I did do it, tell me,…
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H. Seitz
March 11, 2018
Divine Advice
Catholic, Christian, Donald Trump, Evangelical, Jehovah's Witness, Jesus, Mel Gibson, Mike Huckabee, Mormon, Pope Francis, Rick Santorum, Roy Moore, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Satan, Stephen Baldwin, Tom Cruise, Tomi Lahren
Dear Jesus and Satan, As a devout evangelical Christian, I take the word of God literally. And God made Donald Trump president. That’s how a democracy works. So I take the word of Trump literally, or at least as a literal interpretation of God’s will. So automatically, whatever he says or does is what’s best for America. Because God. So whatever I say or do on his behalf, no matter how contradictory, inflammatory, or outright false, is actually a higher truth. I would ask why some Americans don’t get this, but I already know. It’s because they’re heathens. They haven’t had the evangelical training that I have, so they don’t understand God’s logic, and this frustrates me because God’s logic is so simple I can sum it up in two words: Because God. Why is abortion bad? Because God. Why should Americans have the right to unlimited firepower? Because God.…
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H. Seitz
March 8, 2018
Fiction
I’m not above a pity fuck. If anything, I’m below it. I’ve lied about my mom dying, my dog dying, my cat dying, me dying. I’ve lied about everything. I will literally say anything to get laid. And I’ll actually do some horrible things, too. The way it is, women want it just as bad. We all want it. But most people are unevolved. They need a plausible excuse to put out. Love, a dead cat, a dead dog, whatever. So your job, as a person who wants to get laid, is to expedite it. The most important thing is to never give up. Keep talking. You’ll be amazed at the bullshit that comes out of your mouth. For me, whenever I have a crisis of creativity, I think of the girl in her panties. I imagine her taking off her panties, her upper inner thighs, her bush, and I…
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