Tag Archive: Leonardo DiCaprio
The Skull Island Times > Leonardo DiCaprio
H. Seitz
October 28, 2019
Divine Advice
Adam Driver, Al Pacino, Antman and the Wasp, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Cape Fear, Captain America, Citizen Kane, Daisy Ridley, Eugene Levy, Goodfellas, Iron Man, Joe Pesci, Keanu Reeves, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mad Magazine, Martin Scorsese, Marvel, Raging Bull, Robert De Niro, Rocky, Star Wars, The Age of Innocence, The Avengers, The Bicycle Thief, The Godfather, The Irishman, Thor: Ragnarok, Tigerbeat, Winona Ryder
Dear DA, Are you looking forward to Star Wars 9? That title sounds like a Mad Magazine parody. I’ve been tricked and let down so many times, I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. And why did they have to get a guy with such a weird face? For Christ’s sake, keep the helmet on! There are a lot of cute boys out there who’d be more than happy to shake it for The Mouse. They should’ve done what I do and gone through back issues of TigerBeat. That’s how I found Leo and Bobby DeNiro. If you can’t pull off a TigerBeat cover, what good are you? You think these people are paying to watch you act? You get up there and you shake it, boy, and that goes double for the ladies. Speaking of which, what kind of parents name their kid Daisy? There was…
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H. Seitz
August 19, 2019
Divine Advice
Amanda Seyfried, Bones, Borg, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Chekov, Christoph Waltz, Death of a Salesman, Destiny Turns on the Radio, Ferengi, George Takei, Jackie Brown, Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Jason, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Klingon, Leo, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mr. Sulu, Ohura, Pam Grier, Quentin Tarantino, Samuel L. Jackson, Simon Pegg, Spock, Star Trek, Untitled Star Trek Project, William Shatner
Dear DA, You’re probably aware of the controversy surrounding my latest movie, you being the all-seeing, all-knowing bane of humanity (no offense). Basically, a short scene depicts Bruce Lee acting like an asshole and getting his ass kicked by a lowly stuntman. They’re just aching to call me a racist for it, but they can’t because of Jackie Brown. Some other people, or probably the same people, are complaining that the women don’t get enough lines. They want to call me a male chauvinist pig, but Jackie Brown comes through again. First of all, this is a fictional movie. Fiction. And it isn’t like I didn’t do my research. Bruce Lee said a lot of arrogant crap about beating up Cassius Clay, and he really did get an attitude adjustment from a stuntman skilled in the martial arts. It isn’t like I portrayed Bruce Lee getting his ass kicked by…
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H. Seitz
January 11, 2019
Horoscopes
Beverly Cleary, Count Dooku, Diddy, Dido, Eliza Dushku, Eratosthenes, Gem and the Holograms, Holly Madison, J. Edgar Hoover, Jennifer Aniston, Jimi Hendrix, Joan of Arc, Kurt Warner, Laura Bush, Leonardo Da Vinci, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mr. Krabs, Nicola Tesla, Popeye’s limited-time-only deep fried soft shell crab, Ram 1500, Rosamund Pike, Sebastian from The Little Mermaid, Taylor Swift, Vanna White, Virgin Mary, Zooey Deschanel
Aries It’s great that you feel less stressed out, but there’s a difference between resolving your problems and deciding to ignore them. Your sister is still waiting for you to post bail (she stopped calling because that myth about getting just one phone call is kind of true–you get one chance to make a bunch of calls after you’re first processed, then another chance in a week or so, then more chances and privileges as you learn the ropes). Your high blood pressure isn’t going to “decide to bother someone else” just because you refuse to give it attention. That works with girlfriends and puppies, but not with medical issues. Famous Rams: Kurt Warner, Ram 1500 Taurus The only reason you have any “friends” is because you’re too oblivious to get the hint that nobody likes you. Your employer and all of your coworkers didn’t just “forget” to tell…
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