Tag Archive: God
The Skull Island Times > God
H. Seitz
October 15, 2018
Divine Advice
Allison Janney, Batfleck, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Confederate flag, Cops, Dokken, Extract, God, Highway to Heaven, Jesus, Mike Judge, Reindeer Games, Satan, The Rock
Dear DA, Do you remember my sex scandal or whatever it was? Neither do I. The problem with these things is that they’re too many of them, it’s difficult to keep track and some of us get lost in the shuffle. But it’s better that 100 guilty men go free than one innocent man is punished. Or something like that, but I think they were talking about hanging people back then. Another problem, especially with guys like me, is that you kind of blame the victim. You can’t help it. I look douchey enough that you take one look at me and think yeah, she should’ve seen that one coming. It’s like when they show domestic disputes on Cops. You feel sorry for the woman until you see her boyfriend is some shirtless drunk hick with a mullet (they’re always shirtless). She saw that guy and decided he was boyfriend…
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H. Seitz
September 24, 2018
Divine Advice
Amy Adams, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ellie Kemper, Gandhi, God, Guardians of the Galaxy, Guardians of the Galaxy 3, Isla Fisher, James Gunn, Jenna Fischer, Jessica Chastain, Old Testament, Satan
Dear DA, My wife is Jenna Fischer, AKA America’s Sweetheart. You know, the smoking hot secretary from The Office? Not the redheaded one, the original one. She is obviously way out of my league. I look like the kind of guy, if you were my high school principal and I complained to you that someone punched me in the face, you’d look at me for a few seconds and just kind of nod your head and say “yeah, I can see that happening to you.” Anyway, I love my wife. She’s one of those chameleon ladies who can look like an entirely new lady if she puts her hair into pigtails or wears glasses or braces. It tricks your body into thinking you’re fucking a new lady, which is what your body wants because of science. Back in 2006 or so, I was telling her how grateful I was to…
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Ryan Klemek
September 10, 2018
Divine Advice
Catholic Church, Data, God, Gungans, Jar Jar Binks, Jesus, Satan, Star Trek, Star Wars, The Devil, Wesley
Dear Divine Advice, I don’t know who to turn to. I have a strange sexual orientation, and I haven’t told my family or friends yet. I’m not even sure how this would work, but here goes. I am a Robosexual and Kaijusexual. I have a thing for robots, and also for a very specific type of monster. It lives in the ocean and has a giant claw, and is part cephalopod. How do I handle this? I can’t stand the thought of being with a human being. Robots with their emotionless demeanor seem perfect as I can just program them to react a certain way. I particularly like this one butler bot who calls everyone “Wesley”, but I haven’t actually met a robot yet. As for the Kaiju monster, I don’t think they really exist. But I wish they did. I would be the best girlfriend to one. Jesus, how…
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RK Galaga
July 24, 2017
Divine Advice
Blanche, Chicago Sun, Chicago Tribune, Ebert, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, God, Golden Girls, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jesus, Lord Xenu, Losin' It, Lucifer, Mona, Motion Picture Association of America, MPAA, Sandy Duncan, Scientology, Shelley Long, Siskel, Spielberg, The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf, Tom Cruise, Who's The Boss
Dear Jesus and Satan, It’s me again. I was the one who wrote you a few months back about Mona from Who’s the Boss and Blanche from the Golden Girls. To be honest, I don’t remember your advice, all I know is that I have been feveriously masterbating to the thought of both of them. Honestly, I’m proud of myself….Ive been doing a good job of alternating my fantasies between Mona and Blanche. I thought you’d be proud…I’m rambling. Anyways. I was reading the last entry regarding Tom Cruise, and I have a great idea. Remember when he starred in “Losin It” in 1983? With Shelley Long? Why did Hollywood go away with the loveable concept of young guys who just want to get some? What the Fuck happened? Those movies were all so good? Who’s to blame for this? Is it the Scientologists??? See what I did there? I’m…
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