Tag Archive: Elon Musk
The Skull Island Times > Elon Musk
Ryan Klemek
November 8, 2021
Divine Advice
Captain Kirk, Decepticons, Elon Musk, Galaxy Quest, Jeff Bezos, Jesus, Monopoly, Pontius Pilate, Richard Branson, Satan, Tony Shalhoub
Photo by NASA
Dear Divine Advice, First of all, let me say on behalf of all “extraterrestrials,” that we appreciate how your pope has decided we might have souls. It’s condescending as fuck, but the fact that His Holiness is acknowledging us at all is real progress. What we don’t appreciate are your billionaires planning to colonize our planet as though it’s just another piece of real estate they can acquire in a game of Monopoly. Mars is an uninhabitable wasteland and there’s nothing worthwhile to mine, so I can only assume they’re coming here to enslave us. Aside from the ethical issues, there are practices problems with this as well. Gravity on Earth is 2.66 times greater than it is on Mars, so we Martians simply won’t have the strength to build your pyramids and railroads. Maybe you just want to force our women into prostitution, and let me tell you, that…
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H. Seitz
October 11, 2021
Divine Advice
Apollo 15, Apollo 16, Apollo 17, Buzz Aldrin, Buzz Lightyear, Charles Duke, David Scott, Ed Wood, Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Elon Musk, Harrison Schmitt, Jesus, Lance Armstrong, Miley Cyrus, Neal Armstrong, Neil Armstrong, Pokemon, Satan, Tim Allen
Dear DA, I’m writing this letter on behalf of David Scott (Apollo 15), Charles Duke (Apollo 16), and Harrison Schmitt (Apollo 17). All of us have been on the moon and we’re all still alive thanks to moon radiation, but Dave, Charlie, and Harry are well aware that the young people today are more concerned with their Miley Cyrus and Pokemon–whatever the hell those words mean–than men who have actually set foot on the fucking moon. Before we go, we wanted to set a few things straight for that weaselly Elon Musk fellow. The guy sounds like he was squirted out of a moose pimple and some idiot named it. Maybe he would have made it as an astronaut if not for his caved-in chest and his rickets, but I doubt it. Back in my day, people had the sense to know that just because a feller was rich didn’t…
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H. Seitz
October 26, 2020
Divine Advice
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Avatar, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, James Cameron, Jesus, Lex Fridman, Satan, The Terminator, Total Recall
Dear DA, You’d think I’d be at the level of a Bond villain by now, cackling maniacally from my sinister lair, but in reality, I’ve kind of fallen into a rut. It’s not just NASA, the damn Russians are even worse. There’s simply too much emphasis on bringing people home alive. What’s so great about home? Or for that matter, being “alive.” Do you feel alive right now with all of that paperwork in front of you? I certainly don’t. I’m ready to go to Mars right this second. That crazy man who tied balloons to his lawn chair? That man is a hero. A goddamn hero. It had to be done (it had to!), and he did it. How can I convince these eggheads that to make an omelet, you have to be willing to sacrifice hundreds or thousands or millions of lives? And there are plenty of people…
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H. Seitz
December 9, 2019
Divine Advice
Ad Astra, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Edgar Allen Poe, Elon Musk, George Clooney, Jesus Christ, Nespresso, Ocean's Eleven, Satan, The Cask of Amontillado
Dear DA, I wrote in awhile back about my identical twin or clone or whatever he is, and he’s still driving me crazy. He doesn’t understand the world, so when he goes out, he basically makes a fool out of me. He went to a fancy restaurant last week and they let him in because he’s “Brad Pitt.” He started eating food out of the bus buckets, then sat down at an empty table and started eating the leftovers. They took him to a new table and he got angry because there wasn’t any food on it, so he started crying. Then he opened the door to the kitchen and started pissing into it until they grabbed him and brought him into the bathroom. He must have gotten confused in there because I had to go pick him up a few hours later. He wouldn’t come out of a stall,…
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H. Seitz
June 11, 2018
Divine Advice
Adolf Hitler, Big Foot, Blitzkrieg, Donald Trump, Elon Musk, Elvis, Jesus, JFK, Loch Ness Monster, Mars, Satan
Dear DA, Yes, they saved my brain. I’ve been monitoring the earth’s activities from my Nazi Martian Thunderdome and frankly, you people sicken me. Certain earth elements have been comparing me to Donald Trump, so I want to make it absolutely clear right here and right now that the comparison is invalid. To compare me to that draft dodging, fat assed, Russian piss hound buffoon! I got a medical deferral, but I forced my way into serving anyway, I was on the front lines of WW1! I was awarded two Iron Crosses for valor. Zwei! When I see that fat orange baboon blabbering away I want to kick him in the stomach and stomp on his face until his face and his stomach switch places and he looks like the pink, bloated balloon man he is! VERDAMMT SOHN EINER HUNDEN ARSHGEIGE FLACHWICHSER! I hate him! When I get back to…
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H. Seitz
January 8, 2018
Divine Advice
Elon Musk, Jesus, Mars, Satan, The Devil
Ever since I was a small child growing up in South Africa I’ve always wanted to get off this planet. Nowadays, I want to leave even more. NASA frustrates me. The public and the government frustrate me. They have this ridiculous obsession with bringing everyone back alive that’s been holding us back for decades. Even now, with my own spaceships, I’m faced with the same obstacle. I’ve made my ships safer, but people are still afraid to go up. I’ve tried calling these people cowards and that didn’t work either. I even tried triple-dog-daring them to go to Mars, but the psychologists decided that anyone who took the dare is too crazy to make decisions for themselves. My cold robotic intellect tells me that if I can’t leave the earth, my only other option is to destroy it. You’d think it be easy to do. Humanity is basically doing it…
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