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Divine Advice For Ivanka Trump 2

December 7, 2020 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , ,

Original photo by Michael Vadon (cropped)

Dear DA, Generic blondes? You’d kill 100 people to get any one of our “generic” blonde asses. Jesus, I know people in your time were filthy and short, so I’m probably way too tall for you. And clean. And luscious. Unlike most people, I don’t have a soul, so you have no leverage over me, and I will be president in 2024. Think about the average American, then think about me and Kamala Harris, and do the math. I’m Hitler’s wet dream. A proud, beautiful Aryan woman. And as great as my dad was, I’m smarter than him, and he’s a premature ejaculator. Even me vs AOC. She’s got a great rack, and I would do her, but me vs her? America likes “generic” blondes. For a couple of single guys, you are incredibly arrogant. So you wouldn’t want to fuck Blake Lively? Or Amber Heard? They could commit genocide,…
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Divine Advice For Amber Heard

November 30, 2020 0 Divine Advice , , , ,

Original photo by Gage Skidmore (cropped)

Dear DA, I’m so hot, most guys would pay me $50 to spit in their face and stomp on their nuts. As far as chopping off pieces of finger, or pooping on beds, who’s to say he wasn’t into it? Marriage is complicated. Sure I’m about the same size, over 20 years younger, and in much better shape than him, but he’s a man, so I’m the victim. Even though he was kind of a bitch. He’s even worse than my new girlfriend, who I’ve also had to slap around a little. She looks all meek and innocent, but the constant bitching and moaning when all I want to do is relax and watch my stories drives me crazy, and I’ve warned her 100 times. Men have said this about hitting women, and I’m going to say it about Johnny and men in general. Sometimes, they deserve to be hit.…
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Horoscopes For 3.24.19

March 24, 2019 0 Horoscopes , , , , , , , ,

Original photo by Gordon Correll

Aries One of your exes used to wear wigs sometimes. It seems ridiculous, but it tricks your lizard brain into thinking “new female.” You’ve probably heard about the studies showing that your brain can’t really tell the difference between porn and reality, except for porn being better in every way except for the acting. It’s true. The magic parts of your brain light up just as if you were having sex with a real person, but the “you” part of your brain gets depressed right after you cum. Adorable Aries: Saoirse Ronan Taurus The only real freedom or privacy any of us have left is between our ears, and ewww–no thank you. That stuff doesn’t belong anywhere. You wish the police could actually go in there and clean it up, but it would have to be robot police, and even then, it would be embarrassing. But take heart. Everyone has…
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Horoscopes for 12.21.18

December 21, 2018 0 Horoscopes , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Aries You’ll finally bed your crush this weekend, and they sleep like a baby, which is to say that they piss and shit themselves and cry demanding to be picked up and soothed every 45 minutes. What a stupid expression. Famous Aryans: Joseph Goebbels, Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler Taurus Your symbol is officially being changed from a bull to a jackass. You were always full of bullshit, hence the bull, but lately, your toothy laughter and obnoxious braying is more reminiscent of the rightfully demeaned jackass. Famous Jackasses: Eeyore, Rocinante, Baba Looey Gemini Your actions and behaviors seem designed to create long-term problems for others, but that isn’t true at all. You just aren’t smart enough to think that far ahead. It’s closer to the truth to say that you’re just kind of cursed. Famous Twins: Mary-Kate and Ashley, Vin Diesel and Paul Sinclair, Amy Adams and Isla Fisher Cancer…
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