Tag Archive: Barron Trump

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Divine Advice For Melania Trump 2

August 3, 2020 0 Divine Advice , , , , ,

Dear DA, Lately, it seems like I can’t do anything right. I wear a jacket that says “I Really Don’t Care, Do You?” to a child detention center, and everyone assumes I don’t care about the kids. Of course I care about kids, even Tiffany! The jacket was obviously a message to the press, because when you don’t care about something, you wear a jacket with a giant message to them spray-painted on the back. This just proves how incompetent the lamestream media has become, which is the one thing my idiot husband might actually be right about. And now this business about the Rose Garden. I know it seems out of touch, but put yourself in my shoes. I’m basically imprisoned with this giant baby, I spend all day cleaning between his rolls of fat and changing his diapers and pretending I can stand the sight of him, and…
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Divine Advice For Timothy Harleth

July 20, 2020 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear DA, Where to begin. I passed Dr. Anthony Fauci this morning sitting alone in a chair facing the corner, like a kid who was being punished. All that was missing was a dunce cap. According to Dr. Faucci, the President told him he was on a “time out” for getting too excited about COVID-19. According to Trump, no matter how many people are dying, that’s no reason to get “snippy,” and frankly, he’s getting tired of hearing about it. Every morning, it’s COVID-19 this and COVID-19 that. Obviously Dr. Faucci had never been to finishing school, otherwise he would have learned that it’s rude to keep talking about diseases all the time. I also passed Ivanka. She was sitting on an ottoman talking to a can of beans and looked terrified. The Trump boys were playing in their pillow fort as usual. They flip a coin to see who…
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Divine Advice For Anthony Fauci

April 20, 2020 0 Divine Advice , , , , , , , , , , ,

Original photo by NIAID

Dear DA, We all know what a shitshow this has been, and working with “The Donald” has been depressing, disgusting, and confusing. This didn’t get real for him until McDonald’s closed. Once he heard about that, he went absolutely crazy. He demanded I stop the virus immediately and had to be physically restrained from threatening McDonald’s (not the CEO, not the local manager, “McDonald’s”) on Twitter. Fortunately, he’s morbidly obese, and can’t physically exert himself or tantrum for more than a few seconds, but it didn’t end there. He called in the White House chefs and raised absolute hell. He demanded they start cooking McDonald’s food, and at this point, they just shrugged their shoulders and accepted it, and crazier still, the food they made is exactly like McDonald’s, except they don’t have the right wrappers or fry holders, and this also made Trump crazy. He accused them of trying…
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Divine Advice For Barron Trump

March 11, 2019 0 Divine Advice , , , , , ,

Dear DA, Things have been very difficult and strange for me lately. I’m in my awkward early teen years. I’ve grown two feet in the last year and the doctors think I’ll end up at 7’1”, which would be really awkward. I feel weird enough as it is. I talk to mom in Slovene, so we can talk about stuff the rest of the family won’t understand. She tells me stuff about the rest of my family, bad stuff that I can see is true, but I don’t want to say anything too bad about them in public, and she’s kind of bad for going along with it. But she says she had to make a lot of hard choices. Most of my friends at school at super liberal. They’re not like SJWs or anything, but they really don’t like my dad. Mostly I agree with them, and I don’t…
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