Tag Archive: Alex Jones
The Skull Island Times > Alex Jones
Ryan Klemek
August 30, 2021
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Around the World in 80Days, Gavin Newsom, Halle Berry, Jackie Chan, John Wick, Kamala Harris, Larry Elder, qanon, Ron DeSantis, Steve Coogan
Dear Divine Advice, Apparently, there’s a law in California where the 20 or 30 dumbest assholes in the state can get together on a whim and decide to remove the Governor for, really, any ridiculous reason at all. In this case, it’s because they don’t feel like following public health guidelines that have been gently enforced to keep Californians safe during a deadly pandemic. Remember watching Arnold Schwarzenegger hang out in an opium den with Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan in that shitty Around the World in 80 Days movie and thinking “damn, that meathead is the Governor of California?” Well, that’s about to happen again, only it’s going to be a lot worse this time. At least Arnold wasn’t a QAnon nutjob. Larry Elder, the asshat leading in the poles to replace me, is basically Black Alex Jones. A Democrat as handsome and charming as I am shouldn’t be…
Read more
H. Seitz
March 8, 2021
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, AOC, Etch-A-Sketch, G.I. Joe, Jesus Christ, Karl Marx, NASCAR, Pornhub, Satan
Dear DA, Why did you create me? Did you set everything in motion with the big bang, and then just sit back as everything unfolded, or are you actively involved in everything? Assuming you did actively create me, I think you might have made a terrible mistake. I’m just going to keep mutating and getting worse forever. There are already at least 14 different new strains of me, but I guess calling me COVID-33 now would be just too depressing, and we’ll get there soon enough anyway. I understand that there are just too many damn people, but you’ve basically turned the entire world into purgatory. The guy I’m infecting now, the poor bastard hasn’t really left his apartment in a year. He hasn’t kissed a girl in at least a year (but I’m guessing it’s probably been much longer–not everything is my fault). He just mopes around all day,…
Read more
H. Seitz
November 25, 2019
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, Avatar, Baby Yoda, Bob Seger, Disney World, Dr. Jekyll, Draco, Elsa, Ewan McGregor, Fox, Frozen, Hillary Clinton, Home Depot, James Bond, Jesus, Marvel, Michael Epstein, Mickey Mouse, Moana, Mr. Hyde, Obi Wan Kenobi, Pornhub, Reptilian, Robert Allen Iger, Satan, Star Wars, Terminator Dark Fate, The Mandalorian, Walt Disney
Dear Jesus and Satan, You’d think that owning everything would be great, but it’s actually extremely stressful. I like to revel in the failure of others just like everybody else, but now, there are no others. Take Terminator Dark Fate. It turns out that Disney somehow owns this piece of crap and it’s got me hella worried about the five Avatar movies we’re making. Jesus Christ, did we have to go ahead and make five of them? We’ve already spent something like a billion dollars and I have no idea what they’re even about. I think they’re about blue panthers or something? God this is bad. We own Star Wars, Marvel, Fox, and all this other crap, but are people even going to the movies anymore? I just don’t see millions of people shelling out $25 to go see Avatar 4. The merch is still solid (thank God) and Baby…
Read more
H. Seitz
February 26, 2018
Divine Advice
Alex Jones, false flag, flat earther, Fox News, inside job, Jesus, mass shooting, Megyn Kelly, Satan, Tomi Lahren
Dear Jesus (for Jesus only, not Satan!), I’ve been told that I’m like a younger, colder Megyn Kelly, and my boyish first name and build appeal to closeted homosexuals everywhere. This, obviously, makes me perfect for Fox News. Crisis actors are a real thing. The libtard left fakes 9/11, moon landings, and mass shootings in order to never pass gun control legislation anyway. It’s all so obvious. So what I’d like to ask about today are the real victims. The salt of the earth, everyday Americans whose voices are shunned. That’s right, I’m talking about the so-called “conspiracy theorists.” Just because some people have no understanding of grade school science, no evidence to back up their claims, and have lost touch with reality in general, that doesn’t mean that their point of view is any less valid than anyone else’s. This is what America is about. Equality. Is the earth…
Read more
H. Seitz
April 21, 2017
Fiction
9/11 conspiracy, Alex Jones, infowars, truther
Melvin scrolled through his Facebook feed and shook his head. How could people be so blind? He wanted to scream it from the rooftops, but it was difficult to discuss these things person to person. Out in the real world who knows what might happen? And it just didn’t seem polite. He took a deep breath and started to type. He didn’t know it, but the feeling of being heard, of standing up for your beliefs, felt like getting high. The anticipation of attention made him high. He tingled as he typed. 9/11 was an inside job, the Twin Towers were brought down by controlled demolition, it’s obvious to anyone who sees the footage but none of you wants to see! The globalists have you all hypnotized, you believe whatever the mass media feeds you. Wake up! How could people not see the plain truth right in front of their…
Read more
