H. Seitz
November 13, 2017
Divine Advice
deflategate, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, Gisele Bündchen, Gronk, Jesus, Jill Stein, National Football League, New England Patriots, New York Giants, NFL, Rob Gronkowski, Satan, Southie, Super Bowl, Tom Brady
Dear DA, Like most people in Boston, I’m a diehard racist and closeted homosexual. It’s kind of our thing here in Massachusetts. I have to hide my racism and homosexuality because one is not politically correct and the other one is just wrong, but I figure I might as well be honest with you guys. I voted for Donald Trump and I continue to support him. And I get very little flack for this because I’m a handsome quarterback. Like handsome quarterbacks everywhere, I can get away with just about anything. If I wanted to beat my wife or my mistress or my secret gay concubine, I could do it in public on camera and maybe get a token two game suspension and a small fine. The same goes for my kids. I could beat them black and blue with a big stick and basically, nothing bad would happen to…
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H. Seitz
November 6, 2017
Divine Advice
Anthony Rapp, Christopher Walken, House of Cards, Jesus, Kaiser Soze, Kevin Spacey, Satan, Twelve Apostles, Usual Suspects
Dear DA, Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware of the dark and hypocritical forces against me. I find it extremely unfair that a guy (me) who plays the President on TV is held accountable for alleged sexual assault, while the actual President of the United States has basically been given a free pass just because he continues to do awful things now, while I only maybe did this one awful but understandable thing a long time ago. I was drunk, and I’ve been drunk a lot of days in between then and now. I’m drunk right now. And I’m gay. Some people would say that being drunk and gay isn’t an excuse, but I say that they are. When people are drunk, they do stupid things, like hit on 14 year old boys who look older than 14. Remember those girls in junior high school who looked like…
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H. Seitz
November 3, 2017
Editorial
Year many ago, Hulk first go on Book of Faces. Hulk know conspiracy theory problem. Government ignore, no want legitimize nonsense, underestimate suckers, power social media. Conspiracy theory way think #1 reason Trump president. American way last 60 70 years, ignore problem til too late. Conspiracy people never admit wrong. No understand legitimate argument evidence, no understand 5th grade math, go on tangent. Willfully ignorant. Also sad, angry, lonely. Hulk know sad, angry, lonely. Conspiracy make conspiracy people feel smart. Get attention. No want look admit dumb. Too invested go back. Many conspiracy people sub troll. Hulk admit, one conspiracy true. Conspiracy people manipulated for monetize youtube channel. Sub troll true believer. No money for sub troll. But money for youtube channel. Alex Jones. Hulk try less violent, but no Alex Jones. Hulk see Alex Jones, Hulk murder Alex Jones. If caught, say conspiracy, tragedy actor. Sandy Hook victim, Las…
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H. Seitz
November 2, 2017
Fiction
Annoying things happen all the time, or things I’d rather not deal with, like getting shit on by a bird or having to do anything in general. The last time I was shit on by a bird, it nearly made me turn around, go home, and go back to bed. I was on my way to work. The birdshit didn’t smell (it generally doesn’t), and it wasn’t visible after a few dabs with a spitty napkin. There was a Wendy’s nearby, so at least I was able to get a napkin to spit on. But the thought of going through the rest of the day in that shirt deflated me. No one could see or smell the birdshit, but I would know, and it would bother me until I forgot about it, and I knew that I would forget. I would be going about my day as usual, and then…
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RK Galaga
October 30, 2017
Divine Advice
Alan Thicke, autoerotic asphyxiation, Candace Cameron Bure, Chelsea Noble, crocoduck, Doogie Howser, Evangelical, Fuller House, George Takei, Growing Pains, Harvey Weinstein, Jesus, Kirk Cameron, Lindsay Lohan, Lucifer, Neil Patrick Harris, Ray Comfort, Valerie Bure, Woody Allen
Dear Jesus and The Devil, First of all, I want to start by saying I’m a huge fan—both of your column and how you run the universe. For the most part, at least. The thing is, in last week’s Divine Advice column, there was a contradiction with something you had said the week before. In your advice to Lindsay Lohan, Satan mentioned Harvey Weinstein would meet his end by suffering a heart attack after a night of binging on hot dogs, hookers, and heroin. But then in your advice to Woody Allen, Jesus said Harvey was going to die via a painful dick rash. Which is it, guys? Also, I don’t want to tell you how to do your jobs, but it seems you’ve been pretty soft on the gays recently. Isn’t it high time something awful happened to either George Takei or Neil Patrick Harris? Those guys are really…
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H. Seitz
October 23, 2017
Divine Advice
Brad Pitt, Frank Sinatra, Gwyneth Paltrow, Harvey Weinstein, Mia Farrow, Richard NIxon, Sonny Bono, Soon-Yi, Woody Allen, Yoko Ono
Dear DA, I’m writing in to support my friend Harvey Weinstein. I know that what he was accused of doing was technically “wrong”, whatever that means, but let’s be honest here. Look at Harvey. Would any of these women (hell, would any woman?) even give him the time of day if he didn’t wield some sort of power over them? I feel sorry for the poor guy, it’s like being a kid in a candy shop, lookey lookey but no touchy. I can empathize with Harvey because I had a bit of a scandal myself a few years back. I know what I did was technically “unconventional”, but again, let’s be honest here. What guy doesn’t fantasize about adopting an Asian baby, raising her to near adulthood, and then dumping Mia Farrow for her? It’s like the ultimate fuck you to Mia Farrow, and I guess society, too. So who…
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RK Galaga
October 16, 2017
Divine Advice
Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Harvey Weinstein, Herbie Fully Loaded, Jesus, Lindsay Lohan, Mean Girls, Satan
Dear Jesus and Satan, Something bad happened to my friend Harvey Weinstein and I’m looking for advice on how I can help him. Maybe you saw in the news, but some mean girls have been saying he sexually harassed them and that he groped them and raped them and whatnot. The thing is, he’s really a good guy once you get to know him. Sure sometimes he likes rubbing up against hot girls and maybe touching their boobs and stuff, and yeah, also he takes his dick out a lot, but that’s just Harvey being Harvey. If these ladies didn’t want a bloated Hollywood exec forcing himself on them, they shouldn’t have tried to be movie stars. Maybe they should be secretaries or seamstresses instead. Anyway, so now the media is being really mean to Harvey and he got fired from his company and he’s in all sorts of trouble.…
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H. Seitz
October 12, 2017
Fiction
Life used to be pretty good for me. I was living with this guy Marty. I lived with him, worked with him, partied with him. We were pals. I worked with him at Laguardia, I was a detector dog and he was my handler. I sniffed out (or detected) bombs, marijuana, cocaine, heroin, all sorts of contraband. If it smells funny, bark and point, that was the general rule. Better to detain some poor bastard with smelly socks than to have an airplane explode, or (god forbid) have some guy smoke pot. We worked 12 hour shifts, they were generally long and unbearable unless I sniffed cocaine or heroin. Cocaine gave me the energy I needed to get through the shift, heroin made me so high I didn’t really care or know where I was. But most of the time, I didn’t detect anything. There just wasn’t anything to detect.…
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H. Seitz
October 9, 2017
Divine Advice
Brad Pitt, Chris Martin, Coldplay, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jesus, Kevin Spacey, Lucifer, Satan, Seven, Shallow Hal
Dear Jesus Christ and Lucifer Satan, I fear that I’m losing touch with reality lately, both my reality and the everyone else reality of not being me and mostly not being in my reality at all. I have a lot of money. I always have, and I’m very beautiful. But lately, I feel compelled to produce and market these really shoddy self help products and give dangerous health advice to women. For example, I was selling these jade eggs for $66 each and telling women to put them in their vaginas. I told women that this was good for them. I sold a lot of these eggs. My new product is something I call Miracle Dust. I tell women that if they put it in their tea, it’ll help to balance their chakras. The jade eggs were actual jade eggs, but Miracle Dust is just cyanide. It says cyanide on…
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H. Seitz
October 6, 2017
Editorial
Hulk
Hulk have problem human logic. Human thinking hard comprehend. But Hulk try. Hulk see like this. Big gun problem. Need fix problem. Most American want fix problem. But no fix problem. Make crazy excuse instead. Excuse #1: If make law, maybe no fix all problem. Maybe cause some problem (imperfect law). Law against murder no fix all murder. Law no perfect. But definitely fix some murder. Excuse #2: Gun law no help other country. This excuse cherry-pick lie. More relevant compare USA to Australia or England than Chad or Somalia. Excuse #3: Gun violence no so bad when consider most suicide. Last Hulk check, shoot self with gun still gun violence. Shoot self by accident still gun violence. Dog shoot self still gun violence. Baby shoot man still gun violence. Again, cherry-pick lie. Research show gun most effective method suicide and preferred man method. Also show suicide less likely if…
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