Like most people in Boston, I’m a diehard racist and closeted homosexual. It’s kind of our thing here in Massachusetts. I have to hide my racism and homosexuality because one is not politically correct and the other one is just wrong, but I figure I might as well be honest with you guys.
I voted for Donald Trump and I continue to support him. And I get very little flack for this because I’m a handsome quarterback. Like handsome quarterbacks everywhere, I can get away with just about anything. If I wanted to beat my wife or my mistress or my secret gay concubine, I could do it in public on camera and maybe get a token two game suspension and a small fine. The same goes for my kids. I could beat them black and blue with a big stick and basically, nothing bad would happen to me. I could even beat my dog if I wanted to. That would cause me the most trouble, but it wouldn’t stop me from playing football. Players who aren’t even quarterbacks (or white) did all of these things, and it didn’t keep them off the field. I mean, it isn’t like they kneeled during the national anthem or anything like that.
People say I’m the Derek Jeter of the NFL, and I think that’s fair. Derek Jeter has never made a public misstep and always comes across as a decent, intelligent guy, but he’s also a halfbreed. So that makes me at least as good as he is.
Anyways, my question is this: Why does everyone keep bullying my pal Donald Trump? And why does my wife keep telling me it’s wrong to support him, and that I should at least shut up about it? There’s no way some immigrant knows more about America than me, right? Even if she is my wife. Men are just smarter and better at everything. Especially blowjobs. So why should politics be any different?
Can’t people see that Donald Trump is just trying to Make America Great Again? Why can’t we all just get behind him and GO TEAM AMERICA!
Secret Gay Racist Tom Brady
Dear Tom Brady,
The only thing you have in common with Derek Jeter is that “cheater” rhymes with “Jeter.” In case that was confusing, you’re the cheater, not Jeter. He would never deflate a baseball to win the World Series and it’s not just because baseballs aren’t filled with air. That man has honor and integrity—two things you know nothing about. Let me tell you something everyone outside of Southie already knows. “Deflategate” has turned you into the most hated athlete since Lance Armstrong got caught faking the moon landing or whatever it was he did. What you did in that locker room with those footballs is exactly as bad as what your boy Trump did with those Russian hackers in order to win the presidential election. Just like Trump, you will soon feel my wrath. While his punishment will involve golden showers from space aliens that burn off all his skin, yours will involve a drunken orgy in which you get fisted so hard by Gronk that your anus will explode. Neither of these debilitating accidents will kill you guys, but they will leave you disgraced, broken and alone. Your hot wives will be so repulsed by the sight of you that they’re going to leave you and take all your money. There’ll be no cash left for that badly needed reconstructive surgery, and you’ll live out the rest of your live in agonizing pain, both physically and mentally. But don’t worry—you’ll both always have your legions of brain-dead supporters that will follow you all the way into the fiery pits of Hell.
—Jesus the Giants fan who would have voted for Jill Stein if I were a citizen of the USA
Dear Secretly Gay Racist Tom Brady,
I’m not sure you understand how secrets work. Sure, Divine Advice doesn’t have a huge readership, but now that you wrote us this letter, there’s going to be at least three more people out there who know about the gayness and the racism. Oh, who am I kidding, they probably already knew. Anyway, I’m not going to bore you with detailed descriptions of your eternal torture, but a lot of it will involve being waterboarded by gallons and gallons of Gronk semen. Not nearly as bad as your Earthly demise, but how am I supposed to top what the Man Upstairs has in store for you? I have to confess, Jesus has gotten so good with the punishments lately that I’m starting to worry a little bit about job security. The more vengeful he becomes, the less necessary I become. I better update my LinkedIn profile. Actually, I’ve been toying with the idea of leaving hell and becoming the next New England Patriots quarterback. I’m also thinking about turning Gisele into a gazelle. Not completely—just her legs, so she’ll be a satyr, like me. That way, she and I will be extra sexually compatible when I steal her away from you and make her my bride. Sure, I fuck women with normal human legs all the time, but I prefer my wives to have cloven hooves. That doesn’t make me a racist like you, it’s just a preference. As Jesus said, Gisele was going to leave you anyway once you became a freak, but I think it’ll be extra painful if I go up there now and take over your life while you’re still handsome. Jesus won’t mind that I messed with his plans a little, in fact, he’ll probably appreciate my initiative. Who knows—if it all works out the way I hope it does, I may end up being able to keep both my quarterback gig and my regular day job in Hell.
—Satan the Ambitious who voted for Gary Johnson
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.