Author Archive: H. Seitz
The Skull Island Times > Articles by: H. Seitz
H. Seitz
January 24, 2018
Fiction
Mrs. Tabatsky was an elementary school substitute teacher. The first time I had her was in 2nd grade. She always talked about herself in the third person and had a nasally, monotone voice. “Mrs. Tabatsky says that you should read quietly so you don’t disturb the other students or Mrs. Tabatsky. You don’t want to make Mrs. Tabatsky upset.” Maybe she did this to emphasize the “Mrs.”, that yes, indeed, she was married. She was a short, fat, pear shaped woman with a doughy face and thick glasses. I didn’t even like girls yet, but I couldn’t imagine anyone living with her. So this is what adults do. They pair up. Even with people like Mrs. Tabatsky. I wondered what her husband was like. I felt sorry for him, but he was probably awful, too. Mrs. Tabatsky might have been tolerable if she wasn’t so whiny. She was…
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H. Seitz
January 17, 2018
Fiction
It was all so simple and obvious. Everything fell right into place if you just thought about it for a little while. It was a cliche, but all you had to do was wake up. He had to admit that it felt good. To be one of the few who knew the secret. Who saw the truth. But despite all of his research, there were still those who questioned him. Why couldn’t they just be grateful? Couldn’t they see how foolish they were being? Of course they couldn’t. They had been followers their entire lives. It wasn’t easy to break free. He had to be patient with them, but it was still frustrating. Talking to stupid people was impossible unless you were stupid too, and that wouldn’t help either. You’d be able to talk to them, but you’d be one of them. You’d have nothing to say. If…
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H. Seitz
January 15, 2018
Divine Advice
Dennis Rodman, Jesus, Jones, Judas Priest, Madonna, Satan
Dear DA, I fucked Madonna. No matter what you think of her, no matter how freaky and creepy she looks nowadays, she’s a crazy little five foot nothing white girl and I’m an enormous black guy. To me, that says something great. I’ve never been the most stable guy, and now I’m the only American ambassador to North Korea. It’s heavy, dude. Or dudes. I’ve been under pressure before. I played on championship teams for Detroit and Chicago, but I had people like Isiah Thomas and Jordan and Pippen helping my ass. I knew my role. What I’ve got now is D. Trump. Despite the drugs, alcohol, being black, cross dressing, whatever you want to judge me for, believe me when I tell you, I’d rather have any one of those other guys as president. I’d rather have John Starks. Maybe it sounds like treachery and shit, but my boy…
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H. Seitz
January 8, 2018
Divine Advice
Elon Musk, Jesus, Mars, Satan, The Devil
Ever since I was a small child growing up in South Africa I’ve always wanted to get off this planet. Nowadays, I want to leave even more. NASA frustrates me. The public and the government frustrate me. They have this ridiculous obsession with bringing everyone back alive that’s been holding us back for decades. Even now, with my own spaceships, I’m faced with the same obstacle. I’ve made my ships safer, but people are still afraid to go up. I’ve tried calling these people cowards and that didn’t work either. I even tried triple-dog-daring them to go to Mars, but the psychologists decided that anyone who took the dare is too crazy to make decisions for themselves. My cold robotic intellect tells me that if I can’t leave the earth, my only other option is to destroy it. You’d think it be easy to do. Humanity is basically doing it…
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H. Seitz
January 1, 2018
Divine Advice
Apocalypse, Armageddon, David Hasselhoff, Evangelical, Hitler, Jesus, KITT, Knight Rider, Roomba, Satan
Dear DA, I spent the better part of the 80s with David Hasselhoff sitting on me. He farts constantly, he’s a slob, and I’m afraid he has schizophrenic dementia. He could hear me talking to him but he pretended he couldn’t. Needless to say, this made filming extremely difficult. When people tried to explain to him that I really could talk, he pretended not to hear them, either. In his mind, he was insane to be hearing a car talk to him and doubly insane to be hearing people try to convince him a car could talk. Either that or the other people and the car were insane. You could see his warped logic paralyzing him. In the end, he would just fart and walk away. I’m worried about David because now, there are a lot of cars that can talk. Even refrigerators and thermostats have started talking to people.…
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H. Seitz
December 26, 2017
Divine Advice
All Of Me, Big, Jesus, Like Father Like Son, Mister Ed, Mr. Ed, Sarah Jessica Parker, Satan, Sex and the City, Spiderman, The Devil, The Man Upstairs, The Nutty Professor, Tobey Maguire, Vice Versa
Dear DA, I’m a big strong man, but I identify as an androgynous little boy with an enormous clitorous. I talked to my doctor about this and he asked me if I was kidding with him. I told him that big strong men like me rarely kid. He told me I should see a psychiatrist, which I found to be extremely offensive. But he explained to me that body dysmorphia comes in many forms. Did you know there’s an experiment to test the self image of people with eating disorders? They look at a picture of themselves on a computer and are asked to adjust the picture until it looks like they do. People with bulimia and anorexia always adjust the picture to look way fatter than they actually are. Still, I don’t see what this has got to do with me. I’m a big strong man, not some androgynous…
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H. Seitz
December 18, 2017
Divine Advice
Charles Barkley, Chris Christie, Chris Christy, Cinnabun, Jesus, Lucifer, Michael Moore, Roy Moore, Satan
Dear DA, I blame my wife for all of this. I sure as hell ain’t gonna blame myself. If she had only been 30 years younger and stayed that way forever, none of this would’ve ever happened. I’m not admitting to anything, just like I’m not conceding the election, but why would I go around chasing teenage girls if I already had one tucked away at home? We’ve always had our differences, my wife and me. Not only does she refuse to be 30 years younger and stay that way, she’s also into cock and I’m into vagina. I’m afraid that might be too much of a difference to overcome. This is why I prefer teenage lesbians. They like vagina, too, and the only one happy in this scenario is me. Anyways, what I need from you is to murder Charles Barkley. Not for my sake, but for the country’s.…
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H. Seitz
December 11, 2017
Divine Advice
2 Live Crew, Apocalypse, Bible, Carrie Fisher, Daisy Ridley, George Lukas, Gungan, Jar Jar Binks, Jesus, Luke Skywalker, Luther Campbell, Mark Hamill, Me So Horny, Mon Mothma, New Testament, Obi Wan, Old Testament, Princess Leia, Satan, Star Wars
Dear DA, I’ve been living in a cave on a planet that might as well be Ireland. The people here are very uncomfortable with fucking, they fuck through holes in sheets like fucking Jehova’s witnesses and are basically the biggest fucking prudes ever. In 30 years I’ve gotten three, maybe four handjobs tops and that’s it. So of course my cave is filled with hardcore pornography. I would have gone completely crazy if I didn’t have all that sweet porn. While we’re being honest with ourselves, or I’m being honest with you, which includes you because I’m a nice guy, we might as well admit porn is the shit. Anyway, this cute little English chick showed up a little while ago and I really want to fuck her. Her body is an eight and I’d give her face a soft five, but her ass is a ten. It’s the kind…
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H. Seitz
December 9, 2017
Fiction
I woke up with a three day hangover. I was at the end of my rope. Broke, drunk, and no hope for the future. My apartment was a mess. Even just waking up and seeing it was enough to make me want to go back to sleep. There were empty beer cans and cigarette butts everywhere and it smelled like dirty socks and ass. The ass odor was coming from my sheets. I jerked off a lot when I was hungover, it was one of the only things that made me feel better or let me fall back asleep. I dragged myself out of bed and found a warm, half finished can of Coors Banquet beer. I drank it and dry heaved. My room also smelled of feet and dry semen. There were plastic bags on the floor, the bags I had used to carry all that beer back. I…
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H. Seitz
December 7, 2017
Editorial
Bruce Banner, GOP Tax Bill, Hulk, Net Neutrality
I woke up outside again naked with a dog licking my scrotum. The movies and comics leave this out, but when I turn into the Hulk, I’m entirely naked. Shorts don’t hold up in the real world. And at least 70% of the time, it’s a dog that finds me and wakes me up. They must like my Hulk musk or something. Ever since Trump got elected, I don’t think I’ve gone more than two days without turning into the Hulk. Every time I turn back into myself, by the time I wander back into civilization, find clothes, etc, I inevitably run across at least one newspaper article or television report that turns me right back into the Hulk. I woke up in a red state, so I maybe have a few more minutes tops to write this. I can already hear an old man justifying the GOP Tax Bill.…
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