Tag Archive: Eve

Divine Advice For Jennifer Lopez

Original photo by DVSROSS

Dear DA, First of all, I have to thank Satan for giving me eternal hotness in return for my soul. I mean look at me. I’m 49 fucking years old. 49! If you want to use me in your ads or testimonials, count me in. Other people are just scammers, man. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina rocks did absolutely nothing for me, although I did manage to turn a profit selling my used ones on e-Bay. Apparently there’s a market for rocks covered in my vagina juice, and get this: it was mainly women buying them. What a strange fucking world. You can buy rocks for your vagina, but when they grow naturally in your kidneys, you have to pay people to take them out. I guess the grass is always greener. Anyway, I really need some advice. For the last few months, I’ve been experiencing anhedonia. I no longer take pleasure…
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Divine Advice For Lena Dunham

Dear Lilith, As the OG feminist I’m sure you can relate, yo. I really just need someone to kind of vent on,you know? I think it’s so sexist that as far as God’s concerned, I’m like just part of some dude’s rib. That’s fucked up. Sexually molesting your (literally) baby sister and murdering a homeless man just because he wanted a piece of fried chicken is fine, because meat is murder and I’m a vegan, but this whole rib thing, it isn’t even vegan! Couldn’t God have given women a vegan option? Like maybe made us out of vegetables? They do it at Dairy Queen. The lady there told me you can get vegan ice cream wrapped in vegan bacon. They make it out of seaweed or something. It’s a thing. The New You, Lena Dunham Dearest Lena, Millenia have passed and you’re supposed to be a prime example of…
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