Dear Divine Advice,
As you know, my cousin’s friend’s uncle’s other nephew in Trinidad took the COVID-19 vaccine and got swollen testicles which made him impotent. I don’t currently have testicles, but I assume the vaccine will cause me to grow them, and that’s exactly the kind of side effect I’m worried about. Say what you will about ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine, but at least they don’t give you unwanted ballz that don’t even work.
I’m afraid our country is becoming like China or Nazi Germany, where famous people aren’t allowed to go on Twitter and ask stupid, uninformed questions that lead to millions of their followers making equally stupid and uninformed decisions, which will exasperate the spread of an infectious disease and lead to hundreds of thousands of deaths. I never told anyone not to take the vaccine, I just told them to do their own research and to pray on it.
The only positive thing to come from all this is I got invited to the White House. I’m assuming it’s so they can try to brainwash me about the vaccine, but I’m planning on going anyway just to humor them. Who knows, maybe I’ll get Sleepy Joe to open his mind and stop going along with whatever that shitbag Fauci says. That guy’s a total shitbag. Anyway, my question is what should I wear? I was thinking about going in the dress I was supposed to wear to the Met Gala, but I’m not sure a poncho made of stapled-together slices of Swiss cheese is appropriate for this occasion. Let me know what you think.
P.S. Now that me and Tucker Carlson are BFFs, do you know if he thinks about me when he jerks off? You’re probably not supposed to tell me, but I feel like I have a right to know.
This may be surprising coming from Me, the One True God, but the people who “pray on it” tend to do the kind of “research” that leads to overdoses on horse dewormers. Am I saying prayer doesn’t work? No, but I’m saying it has its limits. You pray for things that have 50-50 chances of happening so you can feel like God is on your side half the time. Praying for specific public health information is just silly. These days, “research” is even worse than prayer because it usually boils down to surfing the internet until your biases are adequately confirmed so that you can continue down ridiculous rabbit holes without the discomfort of having your insane theories debunked.
I’m all for free speech, and I understand that you self-absorbed celebrities feel no responsibility to the public that made you rich, but why say stupid things that you know will lead people to their deaths when you can just as easily say something less stupid, or—better yet—nothing at all. My advice would be to get off of Twitter, which, apparently, you’ve already done. Now it’s just a matter of shutting down your Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok accounts. The less you’re out there “influencing” people, the better.
As for whether or not Tucker Carlson thinks about you when he jerks off, the answer is an obvious “Yes”—though, he imagines you with testicles, so you might as well get the vaccine.
Last night I had a dream that you and Joy Reid chose to settle your differences in a mud wrestling match. Things took a sexy turn when both of your bikinis fell off and you ended up making out. In my dream, you had vaccine-induced testicles, but of course they didn’t work because they were swollen and you didn’t have a dick. That didn’t slow either of you down one bit, as you went all-in with tongues, fingers, and feet. Then someone in the crowd (me) threw you a double-sided dildo so that you could fuck each other properly. It got you close to orgasm, but something was missing. That’s when you invited me to join you. I was self-conscious at first because, in my dream, my barbed cock was only 10 inches long (as opposed to real life where it’s a baker’s dozen with a five-inch circumference), but you insisted that you actually prefer small dicks, so I jumped into the mud pit. How I ended up with the dildo in my own ass, I have no idea, but that’s dream logic for you. The important thing is I blew my acidic load in both of your faces, and it melted your flesh off like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis open the ark.
Oh, and Tucker Carlson was watching the whole time, and he was masturbating. In the dream, his dick was twice the size it is in real life—four inches!
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.