Dear DA,
I get the feeling that I’m dead, and that I’m probably in hell.
There are Black people everywhere, and lesbians and they’re all such feminazis. Basically, the lesbians refuse to let me grope them.
Also, no Fox News. Wtf? For supposedly old Testament types, you guys really are a bunch of liberal snowflakes.
And on my desk every morning, there are reams of “research” about Anthropogenic Climate Change. It can’t possibly be true, but you guys are starting to brainwash me. If this “research” were real, there would be no way that any sane person could possibly deny it.
Or is it just that no one is reading it? I know I didn’t. You have to admit, the shit is pretty boring. It lacks the visceral and emotional punch of Fox News. If I’m not enraged, it means someone isn’t doing their job.
Also, didn’t I trade my soul for immortality or something? Stop trying to cancel me with some fucked up loophole!
Sincerely,
Rush Limbaugh
Dear Rush,
Haven’t you heard? Conservative assholes are cancel-proof. The very things that get snowflakes run out of Hollywood elevate your lot to the status of kings. Do you think Trump would be where he is today if he hadn’t said “grab ‘em by the pussy” and “shithole countries?” Sure, maybe he’s no longer President, but he has as much power and influence as he ever has. Obviously, your situation is different, since you’re dead, but I’m just pointing out that you needn’t concern yourself with PC thugs. The fact is, where you’re going, you have much bigger things to worry about.
To be honest, it makes me a little sad when an awful dick like you bites the big one. It makes me wish I (my Father) hadn’t outsourced the punishment aspect of Christianity. In the old days, Dad (I) did it all Himself (Myself). He (I) was handing out curses and turning people into salt all day long. These days, the world is just too big and complicated, and He’s (I’m) too busy planning this whole Armageddon thing to worry about rewards and punishments for individuals. But don’t worry—I know you’re in very capable hands down there in Hell.
—Jesus Christ
Dear Rush,
If you think you can make a deal with the Devil to keep yourself out of Hell, then you don’t understand how deals with the Devil work. Maybe I should have been clearer, but I figured it was self-explanatory. I delivered on my end of the bargain by providing a consequence-free life of privilege and power, and now it’s time for you to pay the piper.
You’re already complaining like a little bitch about how bad things seem, but just wait until the Killary Clinton Bots show up. They’re on back order because I requested some modifications especially for you. You’ll have 10 to 15 of them in your cell at all times until the real Killary dies and becomes your permanent roommate. The bots will be constantly sodomizing you with radio microphones while stuffing your face into their bear trap pussies and chanting “Pokémon Go to the Polls.”
There’s still no word on when the bots will arrive, but in the meantime, I’ve set you up with some Michael J. Fox Bots that will be torturing you on his behalf for the time you made fun of his Parkinson’s. They’ll be pounding your dick with meat tenderizers while choking you with your Medal of Freedom. Once Trump gets down here, you may be added to the Human Centipede, but I still haven’t decided. It may not qualify as torture for you, considering how much you enjoy the taste of human shit. On the other hand, it can’t hurt to try it out and see how goes. You’re going to be here for eternity, and it’s not like you have anything better to do.
—Satan
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to ryan@skullislandtimes.com, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan.
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