Dear Divine Advice,
Talk about pressure. I’m barely a day old and all anyone is talking about is what a dumpster fire 2020 was and how 2021 has to be so much better. Well I’ve got news for everyone. The date changing on the calendar doesn’t magically wash away all of last year’s problems. Sure, we have a COVID vaccine and a new president, but the government overall is just as dysfunctional as it was before and people are just as stupid. That means the distribution of the vaccine is going to be slow, and since the country is so divided, you have a bunch of idiots who don’t want to take it anyway. Pile on the fact that the economy is still shut down and will be for many more months, and you’re looking at a Baby New Year who’s likely to follow in his father’s footsteps. I can’t end civil unrest, I can’t cure Joe Biden’s dementia, I can’t give Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi souls, and I can’t bring back brunch. What the fuck am I supposed to do about all these unrealistic expectations?
—Baby New Year 2021
Dear Baby New Year 2021,
You’re preaching to the choir here, as I know better than anyone what it’s like to be a baby with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Everyone was looking at me to deliver mankind from sin and all I wanted to do was suckle from my mom’s bosom and play with my stepdad’s keys.
Guys like us grow up fast, though. Most people don’t know what I was up to between the ages 1-33 and believe me, there’s a reason I left those stories out of the Bible. I was drunk off my ass, gambling away all the money I was supposed to be spending on trade school, and sleeping on piles of prostitutes at various brothels across Galilee. I mean, what else is going to happen to a teenager with the powers to turn water into wine and conjure loaves of bread out of thin air? My life was one giant party until that day I ran into John the Baptist. That guy was a real killjoy, let me tell you, but he did set me straight.
The truth is, I had cracked under the pressure. Saving the world was too big of a task and I just wanted to hind under a blanket of debauchery. You think your dad set you up for failure? Mine condemned me to a brutal public execution for reasons that still don’t make any sense. My point is life isn’t fair. If I didn’t die on the cross that day then every human would be burning in Hell right now. Similarly, if you don’t find a way to slow the spread of COVID and temper the toxic energy in the world, we’re all looking at an early Apocalypse. My advice is to find your John the Baptist. Find someone who can anoint your feet and introduce you to those who need to hear your message. Considering how polarized the culture is, this will be no easy task, but I believe in you.
Dear Baby New Year 2021,
If you ask me, it’s total bullshit that everyone expects you to come in and fix everything. You weren’t the one who ate bats in Wuhan or murdered George Floyd or started fires in California and Australia or told people to drink bleach. Or gave Ruth Bader Ginsburg cancer. Or unleashed a plague of murder hornets. Or… fuck. I know there was a bunch of other shit that happened in 2020 but I just can’t remember it all right now. Anyway, none of it was your fault, so I don’t see why you should have to make things right.
I say screw everyone else and do whatever the fuck you want. You don’t have the power to turn water into wine, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go on one Hell of a bender. It’s 2021. What you lack in divine superpowers, you can make up for with technology. Open a TikTok account and get yourself out there. A cute rosy-cheeked little imp such as you should be able to get thousands of followers in no time. From there you use your connections to score some primo drugs and meet lactating women willing to feed you and change your diaper. Don’t wear a mask, don’t socially distance, don’t give a fuck. The Apocalypse has already started, so you might as well ride the wave.
Have an uncomfortable question? Need some advice about your deviant behavior? If so, then it’s time to pray. Email your question to firstname.lastname@example.org, and it shall be answered in a Divine Advice column by Jesus and Satan